Artemis & Apollo need an apartment

Artemis and Apollo need a proper, cat-friendly home, which they haven't had since an unscrupulous landlord evicted them. Artemis is the tortie girl, Apollo is the ginger boy, famous from @TheMaineCoonLife  on Instagram.

Artemis: "I'm so sorry to trouble you but do you think you could possibly help us a little bit? Our hoomans have run into some accommodation trouble, and we're beginning to get a little fed up with moving from one cramped place to another every few days."

Apollo: "And sometimes there isn't even a window to look out of. In some places, we get lucky and have a balcony where we can watch the neighbours coming and going. But mostly we're bouncing off the four walls."


Getting Hoodad to Go Fund Us!

Artemis: "Our hoomans were very reluctant to use GoFundMe. They said they were keeping GoFundMe as a last resort, in case either of us ever got sick and needed medical care. So we had to have some stern meows with them. Apollo was humming the Rains of Castermere in the background, while I confronted Hoodad, 'So, when are you going to give us a proper home again?' And he was mumbling something about a court case to get the deposit back from the Mean Landlord, and starting a new job, and saving for a new deposit, and paying Hoomum's college fees, blah, blah, dry food, blah, blah, wet food, blah, blah. "

Apollo: "All right, we know that Hoodad likes to explain everything away ..."

Artemis: "Well, he is a philosopher after all. Anyway, I said to him, 'Never mind the excuses. We're not going to wait half a year. Use GoFundMe.com and get some funds and give us a decent home."

Apollo: "So he gave in straight away after you meowed at him?"

Artemis: "No, the silly sausage kept saying he was reserving GoFundMe for emergencies. So I gave him the ultimatum: 'Do you really want to be known as the hooman who put the famous Artemis and Apollo on the street? Huh? Well, do you?' and of course he was like, 'No, but ... ' and I came right back at him, 'Don't you fluff-butt me, mister! Just do the GoFundMe thing and get us a Maine Coon-friendly flat."

Apollo: "And he agreed?"

Artemis: "Eventually, after I gave him the Stinky Eye!"

Apollo: "Your evil eye would scare anyone, let alone a dopey old hooman. But if he reneges on what he said, I can try my sad Puppy Eyes, and guilt him into it."

Artemis: "I think he's already started it. I can hear him click-clicking on his laptop."

Apollo: "Thank tuna, as I'm getting tired of being packed in boxes and being shipped from one dingy apartment to the next."


Hoodad's idea of earning a living

Artemis: "We should tell the readers how we got into this situation."

Apollo: "Where to begin? I suppose the root of it was Hoodad's decision to go back to college to get a PhD. He expected everyone to live off his savings and the tiny university scholarship while he got himself doctored. And Hoomum hoped that our amazing Miowgraphy book and Clawendar  would sell loads, as people all said they liked them."

Artemis: "You're right. I know he did his sums and calculated he could get through the three years on that meagre funding. But you know what philosophers are like. They'd rather debate whether numbers really exist than just add and subtract them."

Apollo: "So, at the end of his second academic year, he decided to take an intermission and go and get a job for a year ... so we could stock up with cat litter and dry food again."

Artemis: "I heard that one company promised him a nice job, but after dilly-dallying for two months, they changed their minds and decided to train up young kids to do the programming rather than hire doddery old men like Hoodad."

Apollo: "Hee hee, don't let him hear you say that! You know he's as sensitive about his age as he is about his bald spot!"

Artemis: "But it's true! Men in their late fifties should be thinking of retiring, not getting new jobs!"

Apollo: "Luckily for us, he did get a new job eventually. That's why he's been disappearing every day for the past week. But in the mean time you and I have been at the sharp end of the accommodation crisis."

Artemis: "Tell me about it!"



Apollo: "Do you remember that lovely place in Willesden Green? With a garden as big as a continent for us to hunt and play in?"

Artemis: "That was just right for us. Why did we have to leave?"

Apollo: "Well, you know the front room, which we were forbidden to go in? Well Hoodad rented out that room on AirBnB, which enabled him to pay the rent for the whole flat. So there was a meowrvellous garden for us, and a photo studio for Hoomum. But then the mysterious couple who rented the front room moved on, and we had to move everything to a cheap place in Archway."

Artemis: "With no garden!"

Apollo: "True, but Hoodad promised me he would make a little garden on the balcony."

Artemis: "So the Hoomans planned to stay there a while?"

Apollo: "That's right, Hoodad told me we would  stay there until he got his intermission and a new job, and then after that we would be able to get a nice place with a garden."

Artemis: "But we stayed only a few months!"

Apollo: "Yes, that's when the nightmare really started. The landlord was a meanie, and he didn't look after the place. Do you remember the fire alarm that was supposed to keep us safe? But it kept bursting into flames whenever the rusted old shower leaked. Eventually the Mean Landlord just threw us all out and stole the deposit."

Artemis: "Don't remind me. That was a horrible time. I heard Hoomum keep asking Hoodad where they were going to live. And he was always trying to be positive, and saying that probably some money would come from one of his projects. And that would pay the rent and Hoomum's college fees and our nom-noms ... But then Hoomum would ask, what if no money comes through? What's plan B? Sheltering under London Bridge? But I don't think there was a plan B."

Apollo: "Well it was all right because Hoodad got some money two days before the eviction. So he paid off the Mean Landlord, paid the college fees, moved all our boxes downstairs and into a van, and off we went to an AirBnB."

Artemis: "We both hated that week. Cramped up in that tiny room. With loads of boxes and no space to run."

Apollo: "We hid under the bed the whole week."

Artemis: "At least the boxes seemed smaller than when they were in the van."

Apollo: "That's because most of the boxes were put in a storage building. Hoodad somehow thought it would all fit in the AirBnB room. I think he has problems with quantification. Money, space, ... he's always more optimistic than reality allows."

Artemis: "So that's where most of our stuff went! Into a warehouse!"


Apollo: "I'm losing track of all the places we stayed after we left Archway. We had a week in the tiny room in Colindale, then Hoodad found  us a spacious apartment in Essex, which had a super balcony where we could watch the Tuxedo Cats challenge each other! But that was available for only a month."

Artemis: "And then the horror show in Bushey.  I heard that Hoodad spent his last savings on getting us and the cat-tree and a few boxes of essentials over there, and prepaying the AirBnB. But the hostess turned out to be monster. She said there were more boxes than she could count, so we had to leave right away. Did you hear the way she was screaming at Hoomum and Hoodad? I never saw them look so worried. Hoomum was asking Hoodad, 'Where are we going to sleep tonight?' and Hoodad didn't answer. This time he didn't have a Plan A, let alone a Plan B. Amazingly they managed to get out of that scrape. Hoodad borrowed some money from his family, and Hoomum found two kind Kurds who would drive a van at short notice on a Sunday evening. And Hoomans smuggled us into a hotel for the night. Hoomum looked really upset, I'm not sure whether it was because the madwoman had been screaming at her or because she missed that evening's episode of Dr Who. But I do think that watching us play was the only thing cheering them up."

Apollo: "My fluffy little head is spinning trying to remember all these places. So we had two nights in the Britannia, and three nights in the Travelodge ... and all the time Hoomum and Hoodad were trying to find the cheapest place in London that would allow cats."

Artemis: "Luckily Hoomum found a bank that offered overdrafts for postgraduate students, and Hoodad found two cat-friendly AirBnB places - the one in Goodmayes hosted by a violinist, and the one in Plaistow hosted by an Italian chef."

Apollo: "OMC, you can actually remember all these places? And where are we now?"

Artemis: "Well, after the overdrafts got spent, and Hoodad had started work but was still waiting for his first payday, there was no money left. And they had no Plan A, B, or C. So Hoomum reached out to the internet cat community, and a very kind lady in Tooting, with three cats, let us stay in her spare room."

Apollo: "I'm exhausted just remembering all this!"


Apollo: "Now that Hoodad is working every day, and will soon get paid, our problems are over?"

Artemis: "Not for several months yet! Instead of bouncing from one AirBnB to another every few days, Hoomans want to rent a place for the long-term. But that requires a deposit of two month's rent, plus a month's rent in advance. Hoodad reckons he might have saved up that much by March or April. Meanwhile they have to pay Hoomum's college fee, and Hoodad's long daily trek to work, and Hoodad has to pay back the money he borrowed from his family."

Apollo: "OMC! You mean we have to spend the next six months moving from one 'cat friendly' AirBnB to another every week? Are you crazy?"

Artemis: "Well, Apollo I agree this is challenging, even for adventure-loving cats like us. And that's why we've instructed Hoodad to try GoFundMe. If we can get £4000, that will enable us to put down a two-month deposit and the first month's rent on a nice place. After that, Hoodad can pay the rent from his job, and we can stay there for three years, till Hoomum finishes her college."

Apollo: "So we have a Plan A!"

Artemis: "We do indeed! I named it Plan A for 'Artemis'."

Apollo: "And Plan B, for 'Brother Apollo'! If we can't get the full deposit and initial rent, then even a smaller amount can help us with AirBnBs and help Hoodad save up the deposit more quickly."

Artemis: "Let's see whether the lovely friends, and strangers, out there can help us achieve this by Catmas!"