How to help someone who is grieving: what to say and do
Losing someone close is one of the hardest experiences a person faces. Whether it’s a parent, sibling, partner, or close friend, this kind of loss turns a person’s world upside down, and there’s no roadmap for moving through grief.
Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages rarely happen in order, and people often cycle back through more than one. Grief counsellor Lois Tonkin offered a different way to think about healing. Her model describes grief staying the same size while a person’s life grows around it, making room for new moments of joy alongside the loss.
Grief doesn’t only follow the loss of a person. A miscarriage, a divorce, or losing a job carries its own grief, too. Knowing what to say to a friend going through any of these losses feels hard, but showing up with consistent, compassionate support makes a real difference.
Understanding the nature of grief
Grief looks different for everyone. Knowing how to comfort someone who lost a loved one starts with understanding what they might be going through. That makes it easier to offer the right kind of support.
Grief is a personal and unpredictable journey
Grief is deeply personal, and no two people move through it the same way. Emotions and reactions to a loss often feel intense and unpredictable in the months right after, and a grieving friend might cycle through sadness, anger, guilt, and even joy within the same afternoon.
It’s hard to know from the outside where a friend stands on their healing journey. There’s no set timeline for healing, and for many people, the loss of someone they love never fully goes away.
Why people withdraw after a loss
Grief takes over everything and leaves people feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Everyday tasks like cleaning, cooking, or going to work suddenly feel insurmountable.
A grieving friend might struggle to answer simple questions about how they’re feeling or what they need help with. Reaching out feels hard when they’re already worn down or worried about being a burden.
Grief doesn’t run on a short timeline. For many people, the hardest and most isolating stretch comes weeks or months after the loss, once daily routines pick back up and the first wave of support from others has faded.
How to reach out and show you care
Reaching out to a grieving friend feels uncomfortable, but showing up in small, consistent ways means more than staying silent.
Why it’s important to reach out
Many people hesitate to reach out to a grieving friend, worried about saying the wrong thing or unsure how they’ll actually help.
But grief leaves people feeling alone and isolated, especially once the initial shock fades, and they start returning to work or their old routines. Keeping a presence in your friend’s life, even in the smallest ways, becomes a lifeline.
Ways to reach out effectively and things to avoid
A few small, low-pressure ways to stay present:
- Send a text or voice message of support, with no pressure to respond.
- Call or check in regularly so they know you’re thinking of them.
- Say “I’m thinking of you” even if you don’t hear back, especially once the first wave of support from others has faded.
- Let them know you’ll be there when they’re ready to talk, without pushing for a conversation.
- Try not to take a lack of response personally. They may be overwhelmed or struggling to find the words.
What to say (and what not to say)
Finding the right words after a loss feels impossible, but a few thoughtful phrases, and a few to avoid, help you show up for your friend.
Supportive things to say
Knowing what to say to a grieving person feels hard, especially if you haven’t experienced something similar yourself.
A few supportive things to say:
- “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you”: simple and sincere words go a long way.
- “I can’t take away your pain, but I’m here for you”: acknowledges their hurt and reminds them someone stands beside them.
- “Would you like to talk about them, or should I share a memory?”: sharing helps people feel comforted and connected.
- “What do you need me to do to help you?”: a direct offer takes the guesswork out of accepting help.
- “I started a GoFundMe for you, so you don’t have to worry about meals and other expenses right now”: starting a fundraiser for your friend is one of the most concrete ways to help.
None of these need to be perfect. What matters most is that your friend feels seen and knows you’re there, whether you’re offering a simple word of comfort or a concrete way to help.
Phrases to avoid
Try to get a feel for how your friend wants to talk about their loss and follow their lead. Some want direct, practical language, others need gentler words like “they passed.” If you’re unsure, ask what feels right.
A few phrases to avoid, and why:
- “At least they lived a long life.”: minimizes the loss and suggests their pain matters less than it does.
- “They’re in a better place” or “You’ll feel better soon.”: forces a positive spin that can land as dismissive, even when well-intentioned.
- “I know exactly how you feel.”: comparing losses can minimize what your friend is going through, unless you’ve truly experienced something similar.
- “You need to move on” or “get back to normal.”: grief has no timeline, and this suggests there’s a right way to grieve when there isn’t one.
- “It was God’s plan.”: be sensitive to religious framing. It comforts some people but can feel dismissive or too soon for others.
These phrases often come from a caring place, but they can shift focus away from what your friend truly feels. Knowing what not to say to someone grieving matters as much as finding the right words.
The power of listening
When your friend is ready to talk, they might come to you looking for advice, or they might need you to listen instead. Active listening means focusing fully on the person while they talk, staying engaged, and showing empathy. Doing this while someone shares their deepest emotions about a loss feels hard, but giving a bereaved person space to share their feelings without judgement means a great deal.
If a grieving friend needs you to listen, avoid interrupting or offering unsolicited advice about how they could feel better, and let them talk as much as they need to. Your friend might not want to talk at all, and sitting together in silence carries its own weight.
Offering practical help
Practical help shows your friend you care in ways words don’t always reach. When everyday tasks pile up, it’s hard for a grieving friend to tell you exactly what they need. Offering something specific works better than a general “let me know if you need anything.”
Cooking or dropping off meals
Bring over a meal, or say, “I’m making dinner, what day works for you?”, instead of waiting for them to ask. Setting up a meal train with other friends and family covers regular meals for weeks, so your friend has one less thing to think about.
Sending a care package
A care package tells a friend you’re thinking of them even when you can’t be there in person. Fill it with everyday essentials like tea and snacks, or comfort items like a favorite book, a candle, or something to put in the bath, tailored to what you know they’ll appreciate. Sending one also works well when distance keeps you from showing up in person.
Showing up
Support matters most when it continues past the first few weeks. Keep sending messages, schedule regular video calls, or set up a meal train or delivery service in their area if you live far away. Starting a GoFundMe or setting up a memorial fund on their behalf gives you a meaningful way to help, no matter how far apart you are.
Inviting them out
Invite your friend for a walk, a coffee, or another low-pressure activity, not to distract them from grief, but to remind them someone wants their company. Keep the invitation open-ended so they can say yes when they’re ready, and don’t take it personally if they turn you down.
Helping with practical tasks
Household chores, errands, and childcare feel overwhelming during grief. Offer to pick up prescriptions, wash clothes, take care of pets, handle a school pickup, or babysit for an evening. This gives your friend a break, whether they need to be alone to grieve or just need a lighter load.
If your friend is planning a funeral, offer to help with tasks like choosing flowers, picking photos for the service, or reaching out to friends and family about arrangements. If the family struggles to cover funeral costs, several organizations that help with funeral expenses offer additional support.
Keep showing up over time
Grief doesn’t end when the funeral does. The hardest, most isolating stretch often arrives weeks or months later, once routines pick back up and the first wave of support fades. Small, consistent gestures in the months after matter as much as anything you did in those first few days.
Mark significant dates on your calendar, like the deceased’s birthday, a first major holiday, or the one-month anniversary, and reach out on those days to show your friend they haven’t been forgotten.
If funeral costs or other expenses are still weighing on the family, starting or sharing a fundraiser for funeral and memorial costs is one of the most meaningful ways to help. This is especially true months later, when support from others has quieted down. Not sure what to say when you ask? Our guide on asking for donations for funeral expenses can help you find the right words.
Help ease financial needs by raising funds
Funerals and memorials cost more than many families expect, and not everyone has the means to cover it all, especially after a sudden loss.
Your friend might feel too overwhelmed to handle the practical side of raising money, so starting a fundraiser on their behalf offers real, meaningful help. According to GoFundMe’s own data, a fundraiser started for someone else raises nearly five times more than one they start for themselves.
Sign up and start a memorial fundraiser on GoFundMe today. Check out how it works or browse common fundraising questions if you need more guidance.