How to Help a Grieving Friend
Losing a loved one is one of the most painful experiences anyone can go through, whether it’s a parent, sibling, child, partner or close friend, it can turn a person’s entire world upside down and there is no rule book about how to navigate it.
You may see your friend go through the five stages of grief developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, but these stages are often not linear and people can cycle through them multiple times. Grief counsellor Lois Tonkin developed the idea of growing around grief, which suggests that instead of a person’s grief getting smaller over time, it is instead their life that gets bigger and grows around it to include more moments of joy and positive experiences.
Grief is not limited to losing a person either, anyone going through a life-altering event like a miscarriage, divorce, or the loss of a job may experience a significant grieving process. It can be hard to know what to say to a friend going through this, but consistent and compassionate support is key to providing help.
This guide provides practical ways to help a friend going through a difficult loss.
Understanding the Nature of Grief
Grief is a personal and unpredictable journey
Grief is a deeply personal and complex experience and no two people will experience it in the same way. People’s emotions and reactions to situations can be intense and unpredictable in the immediate months after a loss. A grieving friend may go through moments of sadness, anger, guilt and even joy in the space of an afternoon. From the outside, it can feel difficult to understand where a friend may be on their own healing journey after suffering a significant loss, but it is important to remember that there is no set timeline for healing and that for many there is no getting over the loss of a loved one.
Why people withdraw after a loss
Grief can be all encompassing and leave people feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Everyday tasks like cleaning, cooking, or going to work may suddenly feel insurmountable. A grieving friend may even struggle to answer simple questions about how they are feeling or what they need help with, or find it difficult to reach out and ask for help from feelings of overwhelm or fear of being a burden.
How to Reach Out and Show You Care
Why it’s important to reach out
Many people may hesitate to reach out to a grieving friend over fears of saying the wrong thing or because they feel unsure about how they can actually help. But grief can leave people feeling alone and isolated, especially after the initial shock of their loss fades and they start to return to work or to their previous routines. This is why keeping a presence in your friend’s life, even when reaching out in the smallest of ways, can be a lifeline.
Ways to reach out effectively and things to avoid
Reaching out can be as simple as sending a text or voice message of support without the pressure for them to respond. You can call or check in with them regularly just to let them know you are thinking of them, which will remind your friend they are not alone. Don’t push them for a conversation or a response, or assume that they will reach out when they need help, and try not to take any lack of response personally. They may be overwhelmed and struggling to express how they feel, but offering simple statements like “I’m thinking of you,” especially after the initial wave of support from others has died down, may make a world of difference. And if they’re not ready to talk yet, let them know you’ll be there when they are.
What to Say (and What Not to Say)
Supportive things to say
Knowing what to say to someone going through a loss, especially if you have not experienced anything like it yourself, can feel exceptionally hard or even insignificant in the face of what they’re going through. But a simple “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or “I don’t know what to say but I’m here for you,” can go a long way to show your friend you care. Other statements like, “I can’t take away your pain, but I can be here for you,” acknowledges their hurt and reminds them that they’re not alone.
Sharing memories of a lost loved one is one way for people to feel comforted or connected to them. You could ask your friend if they would like to talk about the person they’re grieving or to share a story about them, or if they feel comfortable, you could share one of your own memories.
You may also consider asking, “what do you need me to do to help you?” One way you can help is by starting a GoFundMe for your friend to help pay for meals and other expenses.
Phrases to avoid
Try to get a feel for how your friend wants to talk about their loss and adjust how you talk with them. They may want to be direct and practical, and to say that their brother or parent “died”, or they may need gentler language like “they passed” or “they left us”. If you’re unsure, ask them.
Avoid using phrases that minimise your friend’s loss, such as, “At least they lived a long life,” or phrases that attempt to force a positive perspective on what happened, like, “They’re in a better place” or “You’ll feel better soon”. It may come from a place of well meaning, but it can feel hurtful and insensitive to the enormity of what they are going through. Equally, don’t compare your loss by telling someone “I know exactly how you feel” unless you have been in a very similar situation, or encourage them to move on or “get back to normal”. Remember that all grief is experienced differently and there is no timeline for healing. Try to be sensitive to people’s feelings about religion or religious explanations, too. Statements like “It was God’s plan” may be comforting to some, but far too soon or dismissive to hear for others.
The power of listening
When your friend is ready to talk, they may come to you asking for advice or for help, but they may need you to just listen to them. Active listening, which means focusing on a person while they talk, being engaged and thoughtful, and showing empathy, can be hard to do while someone is sharing their deepest emotions about their loss. But giving a bereaved person the space to share their feelings without judgement can be very powerful. If a grieving friend needs you to listen to them, avoid interrupting them while they’re talking and or giving them unsolicited advice about how they could feel better, and let them talk about it as much as they need to. Your friend may not want to talk and may want to sit in silence instead, which can be just as powerful an experience.
Offering Practical Help
Providing practical help to your friend is another way to show you care. If everyday tasks are getting on top of them it may be hard for them to tell you how you can help. Instead of saying: “Let me know if you need anything”, you can offer specific help with tasks they are unable to complete. If they need help with cooking or shopping you can say: “I’m bringing over dinner, what day works for you,” or “I’ll pick up groceries for you this weekend, I’ll drop them off at 3pm”. You can also run errands for them like picking up prescriptions or help with household chores like cleaning or washing clothes. Taking care of pets, doing a school pick up, or babysitting for an evening can also provide temporary relief for a friend whether they need some time to grieve alone or for their load to be lightened for a short time.
Your friend may find the funeral process overwhelming, so offering to help with some of the planning like choosing flowers, pictures for the Order of Service, or contacting friends and family about the funeral arrangements can be a way to show them support.
Small gestures that can make a big impact
Dropping off a care package is a thoughtful way to show your friend you’re thinking of them. It could contain anything from everyday items like stocking up on tea and coffee, to comfort items like chocolate and sweets. You can tailor it to what you know they will take comfort in, whether it’s a book for escapism or scented candles or something to put in the bath.
Help ease financial needs by raising funds
Funerals and memorials can be expensive and not everyone can afford to cover all the costs, especially in the case of a sudden loss. Your friend may feel too overwhelmed to carry out the practical side of raising funds, so starting a simple fundraiser can be an invaluable source of help. In fact, starting a GoFundMe for someone else raises nearly 5x more than if they were to run the fundraiser themselves.
You can sign up and start a memorial fundraiser on GoFundMe today. GoFundMe is here to show you how it works and answer any fundraising questions you may have.