“In the end, maybe it’s wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything

Hi! My name is Alecia and I have a genetic condition called Sickle Anemia. It is a chronic illness primarily characterized by frequent and severe flare ups termed Sickle Cell crisis or crisis. I experience a lot of pain and rely heavily on medication and emergency services.

A few years ago I had a port surgically implanted into my chest because after decades of surgeries and emergency medical procedures my veins were impossible to navigate. Even the most experienced nurses had to use the needles reserved for newborns. Oftentimes, they resorted to placing the catheter in my neck to administer the fluids and pain medicine needed to stop a crisis. At worst, I remember getting stuck over 20 times at one emergency room visit which means I sat in pain the whole time I was being poked and prodded. 

At present, my most pressing goal is to stabilize my health enough that I feel comfortable having the port removed. There’s no guarantee that I won’t get sick again but my present issue is with the frequency. I have already managed to significantly reduce the amount of times I go to the emergency room for a crisis but this means that pain management and other aspects of my wellness normally covered by my insurance while I am hospitalized now falls to me. I am unable to work consistently enough to turn my creative projects online into sustainable ventures and I am unable to work full time due to recurring health episodes. I was fired from my last job in 2016 while in the hospital. 

I am adamant about not going to the emergency room because I have no one to advocate on my behalf and it has left me subjected to various levels of verbal, physical and emotional abuse from medical professionals. I did my research and came up with a regimen that I stick to when I am at home in a crisis which is why I am currently seeking support. Funds will go directly to living expenses, grocery deliveries, massage therapy, acupuncture and a host of herbal remedies which help with pain management as well as the related stress and anxiety. Recent months have been bad as I’ve been having recurring issues with my lower back, hips and legs which impairs my ability to stand and walk.

The bravest thing I’ve ever done was believe in myself despite everything I’ve been through. But all that belief amounts to little in the face of disability. I can’t push through. I can’t force it. In all my studies of spirituality and wellness I learned that surrender is the most powerful stance I can take but it’s not easy. I refuse to keep myself stuck on a cycle because I’m trying to do this all on my own. I simply cannot. I know because I have tried. Before I make another push and completely exhaust the passion I have left I am asking for help which I should have done a long time ago but working through shame and guilt is real. Needing help in a hyper-individualistic society is not easy. But surrender has been a lifeline for me in every other aspect of my life and it is has meant salvation for me in many other ways. So thank you for reading. Thank you for listening and hearing. Thank you for giving.