Bianca's Bounce Back
Donation protected
“Mask Off “
For starters, this is a short LIFE story. You know these fools are so vain, I bet you think this is all about you. Don't you? No, this isn’t about him. This is about me and my own rebirth/rebuilding of myself, as I simultaneously share my story for every other female who can possibly relate. I entitled this story “Mask Off” for a number of reasons. The title is a double entendre if you will. “Mask off” implying reference to the unveiled character I dealt with. It’s crazy how human beings can shape shift these days. As well as “Mask off” to me opening up and exposing my wounds and finding the courage to speak about this experience out loud. Even when it comes to my art; poetry and other writing, I generally only scratch the surface of a lot of my life experiences and adversity. Ill get a little deeper here.
I’m a fighter. I’m someone who has already grown up in an environment where I had to fight through and make sure I found, or created my own peace. They never said peace would come easily. See, my momma loves me with conditions. Conditions she might still not be held fully accountable for, as she was battling alcoholism and all sorts of depression since I was a little girl. I do my very best to not hold her pain against her. I’m aware my every battle shapes and builds my character and I love momma regardless. Its always just been her and I. Needless to say, there were many scary episodes growing up. I found myself sprinting barefoot in winters, up the block or around corners to nearest friends homes for some temporary refuge until things cooled off. From time to time, impulsive and irrational behavior would force me out of my home, whether I was demanded to leave, threatened, or took flight on my own free will for what I saw as the resolution in that moment. There isn’t usually much stability in homes where substance abuse lies. You aren’t dealing with the actual person, you are dealing with the pain they suppress. In any case, I give this short background because its very, very important for young ladies such as myself to be aware that we are never alone, and we must remain strong for ourselves. We must keep our wits about us, our heads on straight, and focus on our goals. Be aware of our surroundings. Stay focused on the light. It’s always there. We must keep our spaces protected, as its very easy for young ladies such as ourselves who already have a false sense of what love looks like, and whom of which already take care of ourselves all on our own, to be taken advantage of. A little lapse in judgment is what lead me to letting someone in who did just that. This lapse in judgment lead me to one of the lowest places I think I’ve been in life yet, but now there has been no where to go but up! Being that I’m writing this in hopes you’ll support my bounce back I’m already on my way! But let me tell you about it…
You know those scary stories and movies where women are in loving, seemingly healthy relationships all throughout, and its not until she is married and living with her new spouse that suddenly all hell breaks loose upon her? This story was kind of just like that, just much shorter fortunately enough! In fact I like to believe that just as fast as I wound up in my hellhole of a situation, I was delivered from it! Funny universe, always showing me something. Cause I def could have been exactly like one of those movies, and even worse on the road, or later down the road, once far far away from home. This could happen to anyone.
I was on a high. A plan to take flight and go road tripping to my dream state of California to continue my growth as an artist was about to commence. This is something I had planned since a little girl and I was finally about to make it happen! I had this male friend who had been a favored friend of mine for just short of 3 years now who asked to join me. We had been supporting one another heavily most recently and this person had always been nothing but a great friend prior so I saw no problem with this. I actually saw it as more fitting to not travel alone. We discussed a now, rearranged game plan, and started making moves. I had my way mapped out prior to agreeing to let him join me, but oddly some parts of my plans were beginning to fall thru. Naturally since we were about to be a team, he offered me to simply come stay with him at his families house while we save and plan. We were still platonic here at this point guys, and it seemed like the way to go at the time. I agreed. He had already been so helpful in helping me move out, I felt like how could I not trust him? Well I’m a foolish giver. In the few weeks time he was helping me move out of my place he was crashing with me, so I began to practice this one hand washing the other method I live by, and I was of course accommodating my guest fully. AKA I was spending all my money, feeding us, supplying whatever to keep us comfortable and he claimed he was going to give it all back to me later when we got into his area, because his funds weren’t accessible at the time. I wasn't too concerned as I just anticipated him to hold me down the same way if need be. Cool. I trust people too much sometimes, a beautiful disastrous flaw of mine. Next thing, this boy messed up the front of my car while pulling out his driveway too fast to run a quick errand. I again didn't make a huge deal. I just trusted he would get it taken care of like he said he would. He was my friend. But so anyway, he moves me out and into his home. We decide to take things to the next level, we lay down, you know the rest. Now we’re a couple. Oddly of course the reimbursing me wasn't that simple once we got there. Surprise, surprise. I was now living with this boy and he was my boyfriend, he wasn't supposed to let me fall in any way and its not in my nature to immediately snap so I again didn't overreact. I tried to practice some more misplaced trust. I agreed to waiting even longer until these funds came thru to him. You know what happened next. This boy began to show his ASS. First of many episodes, he curses me out, tells me I’m this and that for trying to make a point in a CASUAL conversation, and he gets up and leaves the house momentarily IN MY CAR without explanation. It happened so fast, but the moment he left I knew, I was in BIG trouble here. I had no funds, no place to go as I just moved out of my place, how do I make this work? I told myself I would just be me and practice my peace and try my best to be a light in this dark situation no matter what. I became even more calm in a strategic manner as I knew to offend this boy could mean big trouble for me. He continued to use me as a wallet. The worst part I haven’t even shared yet. I had also been afraid I might be pregnant. Believe it or not he had also manipulated me into thinking it was safe to move forward without extra precaution to prevent that situation. I for one, still awaiting him to pay me back for the 3-4 plus weeks time so far that I was our wallet, I didn't even have enough to cover an emergency contraceptive myself. So you can guess what happened next. Yup. I now discover I am pregnant. Immediately hormonal I knew before I knew. Lets do this math now. I remained in this home about 4 more weeks while a number of many more episodes took place, all the while I am pregnant. Conversations were constantly going left and turned explosive. When I say expsplosive I mean on his end. I’m talking screaming in my face, cursing, throwing my childhood traumas in my face that I had shared with him in confidence, threatening to put me out, walking off and away from in the middle of the night in New York city streets. I just have to remind you again, all the while I am pregnant. My keeping the peace practice, of not giving irrational arguments any energy was not working for me as this boy wanted me worked up too, and its just no where near in my nature. My tactics failed me 100% when push came to shove and finally after I told him I wasn't comfortable with him taking my car out and all over New York and NJ that evening, young boy had another fit and he finally did what he had been saying he would do as he began to throw me and all my belongings into the street. Yes. He threw me out, penniless, and pregnant with his child. It might interest you to know that this episode wasn't even the worst of them all, just the final one. He taunted me while throwing my things onto his lawn. He threw some of my things, breaking some of them. I attempted to voice record his verbally abusive ranting and he caught me, breaking my nails he snatched my phone and deleted the memo, then when seeing my hand bleeding told me “good for you for trying to record me! You buggin the fuck out”. I guess I could say that was def the worst part of that episode for that night. It was an absolute nightmare. I was supposed to be saving my money for my dream trip to cali and now since I naively trusted the wrong person with way too much I was left in a major financial hole and basically homeless, AND pregnant. He left me just like that as he offered no assistance in the situation once so ever. Sociopathic narcissistic individuals don't care about any messes they make on the way to getting what they want. I have been picking up the pieces of my life since, and I have been working but the hole is very deep and I’m in no position to let pride keep me from asking for a helping hand. I returned home to Bergen County, saved by some angelic friends who invited me in momentarily, I began to scramble my life back together as best I could ASAP. Not longer than two weeks of being “home” I get news my mother is recently blind, and I stop drop and roll to run to her aid.. Still pregnant and traumatized guys.. I haven’t had a real moment to breathe yet. Forget about time to work on my art. Ive been working for the coins so much I can’t even spend as much time with my mother as I would like to, and as she needs.
I’d like to close this story on somewhat of a positive and informative note. To any one else who has faced similar crisis, and blamed themselves, or were embarrassed, or hard on themselves; DO NOT ADD MORE WEIGHT TO YOURSELF. Do not blame yourself for one second, as I almost did. These kinds of people shape shift. These kinds of people are master manipulators and wear masks extremely well. These kinds of people will mirror you to get whatever they want. I had known this person for 3 years already, and let me practice some accountability here when I say I can admit I saw some small red flagged flag signs where I could have applied taking some parts of his character at face value, but never in my wildest dreams was I aware of his raging temper and things he was capable of doing. He had put his hands on pregnant ex’s before me, this was not exposed to me until the very end. I def would have been next if I was there for a second longer. Young women like us, we must take heed to these very small signs of peoples character flaws. We must be unapologetic while keeping our space protected, and sacred because we create our safest spaces. Young women like me, and possibly like you, are some of the strongest women walking this planet. I constantly choose to see the best in people, as that is a reflection of my spirit and me. I will continue to do so, only now as a young woman more equipped with some scary experience. I now ask you to help me bounce back. These donations will be helping me out of my financial hole, and back to dream chasing a road trip to Cali. This means you are donating to support not just me, but my ART.
For starters, this is a short LIFE story. You know these fools are so vain, I bet you think this is all about you. Don't you? No, this isn’t about him. This is about me and my own rebirth/rebuilding of myself, as I simultaneously share my story for every other female who can possibly relate. I entitled this story “Mask Off” for a number of reasons. The title is a double entendre if you will. “Mask off” implying reference to the unveiled character I dealt with. It’s crazy how human beings can shape shift these days. As well as “Mask off” to me opening up and exposing my wounds and finding the courage to speak about this experience out loud. Even when it comes to my art; poetry and other writing, I generally only scratch the surface of a lot of my life experiences and adversity. Ill get a little deeper here.
I’m a fighter. I’m someone who has already grown up in an environment where I had to fight through and make sure I found, or created my own peace. They never said peace would come easily. See, my momma loves me with conditions. Conditions she might still not be held fully accountable for, as she was battling alcoholism and all sorts of depression since I was a little girl. I do my very best to not hold her pain against her. I’m aware my every battle shapes and builds my character and I love momma regardless. Its always just been her and I. Needless to say, there were many scary episodes growing up. I found myself sprinting barefoot in winters, up the block or around corners to nearest friends homes for some temporary refuge until things cooled off. From time to time, impulsive and irrational behavior would force me out of my home, whether I was demanded to leave, threatened, or took flight on my own free will for what I saw as the resolution in that moment. There isn’t usually much stability in homes where substance abuse lies. You aren’t dealing with the actual person, you are dealing with the pain they suppress. In any case, I give this short background because its very, very important for young ladies such as myself to be aware that we are never alone, and we must remain strong for ourselves. We must keep our wits about us, our heads on straight, and focus on our goals. Be aware of our surroundings. Stay focused on the light. It’s always there. We must keep our spaces protected, as its very easy for young ladies such as ourselves who already have a false sense of what love looks like, and whom of which already take care of ourselves all on our own, to be taken advantage of. A little lapse in judgment is what lead me to letting someone in who did just that. This lapse in judgment lead me to one of the lowest places I think I’ve been in life yet, but now there has been no where to go but up! Being that I’m writing this in hopes you’ll support my bounce back I’m already on my way! But let me tell you about it…
You know those scary stories and movies where women are in loving, seemingly healthy relationships all throughout, and its not until she is married and living with her new spouse that suddenly all hell breaks loose upon her? This story was kind of just like that, just much shorter fortunately enough! In fact I like to believe that just as fast as I wound up in my hellhole of a situation, I was delivered from it! Funny universe, always showing me something. Cause I def could have been exactly like one of those movies, and even worse on the road, or later down the road, once far far away from home. This could happen to anyone.
I was on a high. A plan to take flight and go road tripping to my dream state of California to continue my growth as an artist was about to commence. This is something I had planned since a little girl and I was finally about to make it happen! I had this male friend who had been a favored friend of mine for just short of 3 years now who asked to join me. We had been supporting one another heavily most recently and this person had always been nothing but a great friend prior so I saw no problem with this. I actually saw it as more fitting to not travel alone. We discussed a now, rearranged game plan, and started making moves. I had my way mapped out prior to agreeing to let him join me, but oddly some parts of my plans were beginning to fall thru. Naturally since we were about to be a team, he offered me to simply come stay with him at his families house while we save and plan. We were still platonic here at this point guys, and it seemed like the way to go at the time. I agreed. He had already been so helpful in helping me move out, I felt like how could I not trust him? Well I’m a foolish giver. In the few weeks time he was helping me move out of my place he was crashing with me, so I began to practice this one hand washing the other method I live by, and I was of course accommodating my guest fully. AKA I was spending all my money, feeding us, supplying whatever to keep us comfortable and he claimed he was going to give it all back to me later when we got into his area, because his funds weren’t accessible at the time. I wasn't too concerned as I just anticipated him to hold me down the same way if need be. Cool. I trust people too much sometimes, a beautiful disastrous flaw of mine. Next thing, this boy messed up the front of my car while pulling out his driveway too fast to run a quick errand. I again didn't make a huge deal. I just trusted he would get it taken care of like he said he would. He was my friend. But so anyway, he moves me out and into his home. We decide to take things to the next level, we lay down, you know the rest. Now we’re a couple. Oddly of course the reimbursing me wasn't that simple once we got there. Surprise, surprise. I was now living with this boy and he was my boyfriend, he wasn't supposed to let me fall in any way and its not in my nature to immediately snap so I again didn't overreact. I tried to practice some more misplaced trust. I agreed to waiting even longer until these funds came thru to him. You know what happened next. This boy began to show his ASS. First of many episodes, he curses me out, tells me I’m this and that for trying to make a point in a CASUAL conversation, and he gets up and leaves the house momentarily IN MY CAR without explanation. It happened so fast, but the moment he left I knew, I was in BIG trouble here. I had no funds, no place to go as I just moved out of my place, how do I make this work? I told myself I would just be me and practice my peace and try my best to be a light in this dark situation no matter what. I became even more calm in a strategic manner as I knew to offend this boy could mean big trouble for me. He continued to use me as a wallet. The worst part I haven’t even shared yet. I had also been afraid I might be pregnant. Believe it or not he had also manipulated me into thinking it was safe to move forward without extra precaution to prevent that situation. I for one, still awaiting him to pay me back for the 3-4 plus weeks time so far that I was our wallet, I didn't even have enough to cover an emergency contraceptive myself. So you can guess what happened next. Yup. I now discover I am pregnant. Immediately hormonal I knew before I knew. Lets do this math now. I remained in this home about 4 more weeks while a number of many more episodes took place, all the while I am pregnant. Conversations were constantly going left and turned explosive. When I say expsplosive I mean on his end. I’m talking screaming in my face, cursing, throwing my childhood traumas in my face that I had shared with him in confidence, threatening to put me out, walking off and away from in the middle of the night in New York city streets. I just have to remind you again, all the while I am pregnant. My keeping the peace practice, of not giving irrational arguments any energy was not working for me as this boy wanted me worked up too, and its just no where near in my nature. My tactics failed me 100% when push came to shove and finally after I told him I wasn't comfortable with him taking my car out and all over New York and NJ that evening, young boy had another fit and he finally did what he had been saying he would do as he began to throw me and all my belongings into the street. Yes. He threw me out, penniless, and pregnant with his child. It might interest you to know that this episode wasn't even the worst of them all, just the final one. He taunted me while throwing my things onto his lawn. He threw some of my things, breaking some of them. I attempted to voice record his verbally abusive ranting and he caught me, breaking my nails he snatched my phone and deleted the memo, then when seeing my hand bleeding told me “good for you for trying to record me! You buggin the fuck out”. I guess I could say that was def the worst part of that episode for that night. It was an absolute nightmare. I was supposed to be saving my money for my dream trip to cali and now since I naively trusted the wrong person with way too much I was left in a major financial hole and basically homeless, AND pregnant. He left me just like that as he offered no assistance in the situation once so ever. Sociopathic narcissistic individuals don't care about any messes they make on the way to getting what they want. I have been picking up the pieces of my life since, and I have been working but the hole is very deep and I’m in no position to let pride keep me from asking for a helping hand. I returned home to Bergen County, saved by some angelic friends who invited me in momentarily, I began to scramble my life back together as best I could ASAP. Not longer than two weeks of being “home” I get news my mother is recently blind, and I stop drop and roll to run to her aid.. Still pregnant and traumatized guys.. I haven’t had a real moment to breathe yet. Forget about time to work on my art. Ive been working for the coins so much I can’t even spend as much time with my mother as I would like to, and as she needs.
I’d like to close this story on somewhat of a positive and informative note. To any one else who has faced similar crisis, and blamed themselves, or were embarrassed, or hard on themselves; DO NOT ADD MORE WEIGHT TO YOURSELF. Do not blame yourself for one second, as I almost did. These kinds of people shape shift. These kinds of people are master manipulators and wear masks extremely well. These kinds of people will mirror you to get whatever they want. I had known this person for 3 years already, and let me practice some accountability here when I say I can admit I saw some small red flagged flag signs where I could have applied taking some parts of his character at face value, but never in my wildest dreams was I aware of his raging temper and things he was capable of doing. He had put his hands on pregnant ex’s before me, this was not exposed to me until the very end. I def would have been next if I was there for a second longer. Young women like us, we must take heed to these very small signs of peoples character flaws. We must be unapologetic while keeping our space protected, and sacred because we create our safest spaces. Young women like me, and possibly like you, are some of the strongest women walking this planet. I constantly choose to see the best in people, as that is a reflection of my spirit and me. I will continue to do so, only now as a young woman more equipped with some scary experience. I now ask you to help me bounce back. These donations will be helping me out of my financial hole, and back to dream chasing a road trip to Cali. This means you are donating to support not just me, but my ART.
Organizer
Bianca Arielle
Organizer
Teaneck, NJ