Addiction Recovery

This week I said it out loud. I am a gambling addict. In the past eighteen months I have done an unimaginable amount of damage to my finances. Far more than I'm asking for here. I will be paying off debt for years. But my immediate concern is to both fully engage in a structured recovery program and secure enough money to hang onto my apartment, my car, and to feed myself and pay the rest of my monthly expenses.

It is difficult to accept that this is an "illness" rather than exercising poor judgement. And the only reason I do believe I am ill is because none of my other behaviors resemble those of my gambling. I work two jobs. Each day I help my mother in and out of bed. Taking care of those around me is my most important responsibility. When I gamble, I am selfish and dishonest. So I have an illness. But it all stops now. Whatever it takes, it stops now.

I am extremely reluctant about this. It doesn't feel right. The fact that my situation is based on my own actions is shameful. Someone recently said to me, "Asking for help is a crucial part of recovery. Ask and accept help even if you don't feel like you deserve it". I do not feel like I deserve help but I certainly need it.