ELIO'S TOP SURGERY FUND :)

Hi there! Elio here.

I am beyond happy to be writing these next few words: I’m getting top surgery. The consult is scheduled for the end of May which means the surgery will be soon after!

I’ve spent over a year slowly building the courage to pursue this procedure, and the time has finally come to share my excitement with you!

As a transgender man, getting top surgery is one of the many ways that I am choosing to align my body and mind, and gender experience. The work to get to this place has involved a lot of sadness, a lot of grief, and a lot of silence. And the work has also been inviting joy, remaining vulnerable, writing, laughing, falling in love, and learning to pay attention to the ground beneath my feet. All of this while pushing myself through school and navigating transition as a working-class student.

There is a great motivation within me to show up for myself and others. And this is a moment where I have to reach out and be vulnerable to show up for myself. I am asking for financial support to access the care I need. Any amount you are willing to give is welcomed and deeply appreciated.

All funds raised will directly benefit my medical expenses, travel to and from the surgery, food during recovery, and all other top surgery necessities!

~~~

A little background and a bit of my story if you’re interested:

Since March of 2021, I’ve given myself an injection of testosterone once a week. This is often done alone, sometimes with a close friend, and more often than not, in the mirror. I wish I could explain to you how this feels, I wish I had the words to tell you how much pure joy I become in front of myself. I think about how hopeless it felt to see no way out of my own body growing up, I wish I could show her how his eyes light up now–I wish I knew how much more light there was inside of me.

The first time I bound my chest out of curiosity four years ago, I burst into tears…my body knew before I was able to understand. And that’s what this whole experience has been: listening to my body before my negative thoughts get in the way. And friends, I’m here to tell you that my body is saying that it’s time for my chest to go! All is to say that this has been a process, but oh wow, this world has become an undeniably beautiful place since I’ve accepted who I am. Transness has shown me the endless possibilities in being, and I am so grateful to be where I am. To be who I am.

[ Elio, this is for you. These words are for you, it’s all for you. I am so very proud of who you are becoming. ]

I’ve watched myself unravel: growing in some places and shrinking in others, listening to my voice deepen and settle, feeling my skin toughen, noticing my muscles through a t-shirt for the first time, and finding new stubborn hairs nearly every day. My physical transition feels immense and yet most people hardly notice until I speak. And this is something that, unfortunately, leaves me deeply unseen.

I remember my mother asking me why it was important for me to be seen as queer one summer when I was visiting home. Well, Mom, I think to love, for me, is to allow myself to be seen. To be loved is to be seen. So I invite you to see me, to see someone you don’t know, to see yourself.

I’ve had so many absolutely awe-inspiring experiences, and I am so damn grateful. But since coming out I’ve had to grieve a lot of relationships and interests that I love wholeheartedly; my entire gap year in Senegal is full of people I will never be able to see again due to the cultural/religious abhorrence to my transition–I’m still sitting with this loss. My love of travel and language is one of the truest parts of my being, but I’ve had to abandon the idea until I get to a place where I safely pass. I was supposed to be studying abroad in Amman, Jordan this semester to strengthen my Arabic skills, but I had to decide to stay in the U.S. out of fear for my safety and lack of access to hormone replacement therapy. These realities are difficult to accept, and often leave me feeling a bit empty. But this surgery is a step towards a further becoming of self. Towards a body that is more comfortable, more wholly aligned, and safer for me to exist in.

Transitioning has been a constant encounter of emotion and memory for me. I daydream like wild nowadays. About the little girl I still hold close. About all the little moments of becoming I had yet to recognize. I had no idea that when I was singing songs about loving boys at 17 I was singing to myself. (To be loved as a boy is something I’ve always wanted.)

Smiling as I pull my hands across my chest is a moment I await patiently and with unconditional hope.

Thank you for reading and helping make this daydream of mine a reality.

Take great care.

~Elio @eliovangorden