Raise.II.Rise : Be part of my endeavor to walk again

1) Can you tell us your name and a little about yourself?

Hi, my name is Brett. I am 44 years old, and admittedly with hesitation have decided to share my story with you. I feel uneasy and uncomfortable to share with the public because I have become a very private person, but I am running out of time. I have been a tetraplegic since July 25, 2015, due to a motorcycle accident. I will share more about this day with you, well what I can remember anyway. What can I tell you about myself. Well, I can share who I was before the accident, I guess. I lived, breathed and found joy and purpose being an athlete. Taking care of my physical health and enjoying the process of learning a new sport, skill and technique was indescribable. The thrill of winning a competition felt like I had purpose. Like a million bucks! Ever since I can remember I was participating in some sport, competition, solo or in a team and this made me feel alive. I was a student of Jujitsu, held a purple belt and was on my way to a brown belt. At this time, I was also teaching and training in a mentor ship role. Developing sets and available as a sparring partner and I was also working as a personal trainer. Truly this was the high of my life. I was in shape working out six days a week and was doing heavy duty mechanics on the side. In our cold Canadian winters, you would find me on the slopes snowboarding and /or playing hockey.

2) What else would we find you doing with your time if not in sports?

I traveled a lot. I had an incredible passion and curiosity to learn about different cultures, the music, the dance and the food. I also travelled to Seychelles and worked in Mauritius for a year. I danced Sega (traditional dance) and Bachata. I’ve always wanted to learn how to dance Salsa a little better.

When I wasn’t dancing, I was rolling (Jujitsu)on the mats, snowboarding the slopes or traveling the globe to see family. I was working as a heavy-duty mechanic and upgrading my Subaru and doing side jobs for family and friends. I loved working with my hands from woodworking, welding, crafts and building ornaments with clay and sewing.

3) What about friends & family? Did you used to spend a lot of time together?

I had an extensive social life although I consider myself an introvert. I had great connections and relationships. I was married. I had my biker friends whom I would go for long rides with. Attend Brazilian parties with my Jujitsu teammates and watch UFC and ensure to support each other in different cities when we were competing. I would enjoy going for long bicycle rides on the weekends, camping and engaging in any outdoors sports such as surfing, biking through the forests, swimming and more. My favorite thing in the world was taking care and playing with my animals. This was the most pleasurable and cooking was a close runner up! My life was exciting, adventurous, full of passion and a real-life Indiana Jones movie. But sometimes the boobie traps can catch up with you.

4) Can you share what happened to you?

It was a Saturday morning July 25th, 2015.

I had my Jesus moment on this day. I died and came back. I had an argument with my wife at the time. We were leaving the house; we were not in good terms. I was on my motorcycle in the middle lane and my wife was driving in the right lane. There was a car that cut in front of me, and I was unable to stop in time and I hit the middle frame of the car. I woke up in the hospital and I remember asking about my motorcycle. I wasn’t aware of the extent of my injuries. I thought in a week or so I would be up walking out of the hospital, maybe a few broken bones, bruises, nothing I couldn’t handle. Even when I was being fed and helped in the hospital, I didn’t realize the extent of the damage to my body. I was moving my toes and had sensation in all of my body, but they told me I was paralyzed. The damage was significant and would be long term.

A few months later, still in hospital my wife left me. She moved out of the marital home the weekend I was discharged from hospital. I want to say that the accident and my paralysis was the worst but at this moment, it was the absolute betrayal that I felt. I was broken, physically and mentally. And when I got home, so was my heart.

My life, shattered. The life that I was in love with was extinguished, evaporated into thin air. The loss of autonomy, the loss of my marriage. This was and is the worst.

For five years following my accident I fought and struggled with the SAAQ (Societe de d'Assurance automobile du Quebec) to acquire the compensation that I was owed from the accident. This was such a struggle as I had to pay out pocket to support home care including physiotherapy, caregiver services, home adaptations, the list goes on. It was so hard. So painful.

I have always worked hard to support myself financially and to this day finances continue to be a struggle.

5) It has been almost 10yrs since your accident. How has life been for you?

It’s so hard. The ability to do what I want is always 50% or less. I feel half of who I was and who I am. The description that comes to mind. It's like an ice cream cone. You eat all the beautiful toppings and the delicious ice cream but inside the cone there is always shit. The struggles are unbearable. This loss of autonomy feels like a cord around my neck that keeps getting tighter every day. I don’t speak of these struggles out loud too often and the pain that I feel every day and that's on top of the physical pain I feel every day.

6) What are some of the first thoughts that come to mind of the things that you can no longer do since the accident?

I live with my loving animals and require care 12hrs + at least /7 days a week. My parents care for me and so do my caregivers. I require assistance with home care and daily life chores (i.e.- hygiene, eating, selfcare, etc.) I cannot do any of this on my own.

I can’t drive due to spasms. It would be unsafe for myself and for others. I’m constantly worried about embarrassing moments when I’m out in public and/or the worry of having a spasm causing an accident and hurting myself or anyone else. Social settings can trigger my anxieties because I can’t react or protect myself in the way I could before.

I can’t visit my family anywhere without assistance and even then, its complicated. I can no longer help my parents, family and friends and I was that person, you know the one people call to help them move or help fix their cars.

7) How would you describe your social life now?

My social life looks different now. I have lost so many relationships with friends and family. I lost close friends and those friends that I never thought would become close, in fact did. Relationships seem doomed because of what happened to me. Because of the accident socializing with friends is not the same. Instead of riding my bike I travel on my motorized wheelchair, and I take the Metro. Social outings, although rare are often with my parents and their friends. If I do go out with my friends it is by metro, being driven by them or with the STCM Taxi.

8) What are some activities that you are able to take part in?

I learned to play chess and I’m pretty good at it. My uncle has been a consistent competitor in chess. I play board games with my cousins and friends online and in person. I love to watch movies while I have my tea. I still have the passion to travel, and I am accompanied all the time. I am limited to the kind of travel that I can access, and the experience is entirely different. I cannot roam around on my own as I would love to do. I still play x-box. I have had to learn how to play again as I play with my mouth and my body, and it is more of an exercise than a hobby.

9) How do you manage your stress?

I read audibles and I love to learn about truths. I try and find inner strengths and connect to my inner self through meditation and breathwork. I really try to stay in the present moment but it's difficult at times.

10) Can you tell us about your stressors?

My perspective around life is different. My stressors are different. I worry if there’s going to be someone to help me to eat, to do daily human requirements and who will be there to care for me if my parents are no longer here. I feel as though I am burden on people. Should I die to relieve this burden from those that care for me now? Seeing the people that I care about deteriorating and experiencing hardships is the worst feeling. I wouldn’t curse my worst enemy with this life. My body does not work in the way it should, and these are constant reminders that I am in a wheelchair, immobile. I also have had to learn to accept help however it is not always the help that I need. I am in physical pain all the time. I am in mental pain all the time. I feel infuriated, inferior in some way and thoughts of suicide have become constant visitors of my mind.

11) what do you dream about?

I dream about a lot of things. I see a lot when I have closed my eyes.

Sometimes I am dancing and feeling free and alive again. I hear the music in my heart and in my body. I’m moving and grooving to the music.

Sometimes I am standing in the ring in the world Jitizu competition, I see my opponent and see the entire fight before I even touch them. I see the end of the fight where I am holding the gold medal and jumping on my master.

Sometimes I am walking on the beach, dipping my toes deep into the sand, feeling the grains underneath wrapping my feet like a warm hug followed by the gush of water washing over them.

Sometimes I see myself rolling on the ground and playing with my animals, here I am the most content, my heart is at its fullest.

Mostly though what I see is myself moving around my house able with full autonomy cooking, washing the dishes, taking out the garbage, feeding my animals, fixing my car. I have full autonomy, and I am free.

12) So why now? Why have you started a gofundme campaign?

We didn't have the same technology as we do now specifically for patients with a SCI (spinal cord injury). These new advances are difficult to gain access to and it is all out of pocket. I don't have money to pay for the latest treatment that could potentially help me regain mobility. I have some hope even if a sliver I’ll hold onto it. This stem cell treatment/s is my sliver of hope. I want to walk. I have the right to walk again. Maybe I’m a little wiser now and I am learning how to ask for help. Please, help me walk again.

Thank you for taking the time to get to know my story.

With so much gratitude,

Brett