August Payton’s Top Surgery Fund

When I was a kid, I had a best buddy next door that I would play with all the time. We loved Baseball, digging for worms, hot wheels, and riding our bikes around the neighborhood stretching curfew as late as we could. I never saw a difference between us. I felt the same as him and felt like I was truly myself. I was just a kid having fun living my best life. Fast forward to our first days of school, and suddenly something switched. I felt pressure from school and from other kids to play with girls and never understood why we had to be separated by boys and girls for some activities when I just wanted to be with my buddies.

Fast forward a few more years, and puberty kicks in. Everyone else was confident and comfortable (for the most part) with their changing bodies. I didn’t feel like mine matched what was on the inside. I never connected with the changes so it started to cause a lot of social anxiety and discomfort. I over compensated for this by trying to be girly and trying to fit in. I never felt truly fulfilled.

After high school, I started to live life more for me and knew I at least wanted to be with a woman but still felt awkward and uncomfortable with anything feminine. I hated the word lesbian..I knew I liked women but i did not identify with that word. Eventually I started to realize I felt more confident in masculine clothing and started to switch my wardrobe over. Each change I made like this, no matter how big or small, always took weight off my shoulders. I felt free, like the little kid playing baseball on a dirt pile in the backyard.

Then one day, I stumble across a documentary of a kid that wanted to transition and I cried more than I think I ever have. I connected and related to that video in more ways than I even understood at the time. But the one thing I did know for sure..I wanted more than anything to be comfortable in my own skin. Dysphoria can be a fickle bitch, to say the least. It can make you feel like you’re “faking it” or just “looking for attention”. It tries to invalidate you in every way possible.

I was so lost and confused so I asked for guidance from a few lgbtq friends. One friend said “Try on a suit and see how you feel. Try on a dress and see how you feel. Then, take all of your other emotions into consideration too..and you’ll know. But it’s also okay if you don’t know”. So I did just that. I tried on both.

When I put the suit on, I felt like August. I felt confident, proud, hopeful for my future, and couldn’t knock the smile off my face if i tried. When I put on the dress..I swear it weighed 100lbs. Anxiety, depression, fear, anger and so many other emotions were flowing through my head. I didn’t feel like myself..I felt like a guy in a dress (not that there is anything wrong with that either- it just wasn’t me). And it was in that moment, I just knew.
I put my suit back on and I saw my first glimpse of August. I saw my first glimpse of real hope.

The next week, I set my appointment for early morning to cut my hair. My hair stylist, Emma, didn’t ask any questions or make me uncomfortable. She boosted my confidence and reassured me that this new cut would be bomb.. And it was. I felt weight lifted off my shoulders that I thought HAD to be there for a LONG time. I didn’t see or know any other way. But I could finally breath again and I saw a hopeful future looking back at me through the mirror.

Fast forward 10 months and I have never felt more myself. I’ve never felt more confident and hopeful for my future. I’ve hit a few road bumps along the way but I always get right back on track to seeking out and fulfilling all of my dreams. Right now, my biggest dream is to be 100% comfortable in my own skin. I get closer and closer everyday. But there is one thing still standing in my way- top surgery.

I can honestly say that 90% of the anxiety, anger, and dysphoria I experience is centered around my chest. I find relief for this emotional pain and physical discomfort by wearing a binder every day. This unfortunately is not just tight and uncomfortable- it can be painful. Especially if you wear the binder longer than 8-10 hours. You’re also suppose to give yourself breaks in between those hours and full days off. This just isn’t feasible for someone like me that works every single day.  In the summers I work long 12 hour days which cause rib and back pain for a week after.  Not only is it painful- it’s not good for my health.

The good news is, I won’t always have to experience this pain. One day, I will be entirely free of any emotional OR physical pain that being born in the wrong body has caused. Hopefully, with your help, that day could be in January 2020. I’ve tried to find help through insurance- failed. I tried through loans- failed. I’ve received an estimate for top surgery and it could cost a max of $15,000 out of pocket. This will include all hospital costs, surgery costs, anesthesia, necessary testing, and a little extra for after surgery care.

I’m a math guy, so I crunched some numbers. It would take me years to save this on my own. But if I had 600 friends and family members (a fraction of how many followers I have in total on social media) donate $25 each, I would reach my goal. That being said, you don’t even have to donate $25. You could also donate more than $25. But even  if all you can contribute is $1 or a simple sharing of this page..I will be forever grateful for you! I will one day be free of all anxiety I’ve ever held in my chest..and I can tell you it’s more weight than clothing, sexuality, hair, and everything combined weighed. And I will have you to thank. I want to start 2020 off finally 100% comfortable in my skin. All I need is a little help from my army of supporters to get there