Supporting parents who experience stillbirth

Hello,

Thank you for clicking through to the link. We know that this is so hard to read about. It’s something that no-one even wants to THINK about. And why would you – this shouldn’t happen; and of all the things we worried about during our pregnancy, I don’t think we ever thought about this. Unfortunately, though, we have since learnt that still birth occurs in 1 in 200 births in the UK, a fact that we couldn’t quite believe.

Our story started in September last year when we first found out that we were pregnant – we were delighted, excited and terrified almost all in equal measure. Despite a lot of baby planning, when it actually happened, we still crapped our pants a little wondering whether we could actually do this!? But we were over the moon. And so was everyone else. I think I actually held my breath at the 12 week scan, waiting and hoping and praying for our sonographer to tell us everything was ok – it was – and we actually got a bit more information than we were expecting at that early stage – we were having a boy! No doubt about it.

The pregnancy seemed to sail by. At each midwifery appointment, each scan, I felt a little tinge of nervousness but was reassured every time that baby Raphe was doing well, everything on track, everything as expected. It seemed it was a perfect pregnancy and I felt so lucky that I was able to enjoy it. I couldn’t wait to lay down at the end of the day and watch him kick and wiggle as this was always his most active time. We did all those things excited expectant parents did; painted a nursery, brought a pram, had a baby shower and got nervous as the due day approached.

At 41 weeks exactly, I went into hospital as I thought Raphe hadn’t moved so much that day. I’d been in for reduced movement once before only for him to promptly throw a party in my uterus – he moved 68 times in that hour – and I went in telling my husband that the same would happen again but given the gestation it’s likely that I’d be induced. That’s what we expected because there couldn’t be any other possibilities right? I’d had a check-up just four days before and again, all good. By the time the fifth doctor was in the room with us that day, we knew, but we wouldn’t give up hope until he said it out loud. ‘I’m really sorry but we can’t find a heart beat and your baby has died.’

I can’t express here all the feelings we felt in that moment and in all the moments since.

Raphe was born in the ‘Forget me Not’ maternity suite at Basildon hospital at 7.12am, weighing 8.9lbs. He was absolutely perfect. A head full of brown hair, nose just like Daddy, chin like Mummy – perfect. It was because of this extra special unit that we got to spend all the time we needed to with our baby boy. Away from the rest of world, in private, aside from other mothers and their babies, we had a special space to ourselves for as long as we needed it. Here we made the most precious memories with our little boy. We grieved, but we also loved. We held our boy, our families visited, we held a naming ceremony for him with our parents and had a blessing. We understand that all of this might sound a bit strange, or even morbid to some – and I think before we were in this situation, we may have felt the same. But now I cannot tell you have precious every minute of that time was, how privileged every family member who met Raphe felt, how much those moments helped us come to terms with what had happened. It was only in the days after we left that we learnt that the suite had not always been there. It was built and funded by the ‘Forget me not support group,’ a charity created by a mum called Karla and her midwife Jenny in memory of baby Grace Ellen born in 1992.

I can’t tell you how vulnerable you feel, how little you are able to process your own thoughts or organise yourself. The suite is ready for you; space for relatives, space to give birth in private, space to spend time with your baby. Facilities; tea, coffee, shampoo, shower gel – whatever you could possibility need is there; one less thing for you to think about – small things like having a tube of toothpaste when you’ve forgotten yours, and huge things, like a private space for your family to meet your baby all funded by this local, Basildon based charity. They also hold bi-weekly support groups and an annual memorial service. You can find out more here; https://www.forgetmenotsupportgroup.org/ It terrifies me to think of the experience’s parents had before the Forget Me Not Suite and I can’t believe that without this charity, the suite and its facilities at Basildon wouldn’t exist. As well as stocking and maintaining the suite at Basildon Hospital, they are now also reaching out to other local hospitals to ensure they have this vital facility.

Whilst we were in the suite, we were supported by some of the most truly phenomenal human beings I’ve ever met; specialist bereavement midwives that would make anyone truly proud and grateful of the people who work in our NHS. These women I believe are in a super league of the human race with the level kindness, compassion and professionalism that they are able to demonstrate day after day. Truly incredible. And just one of the many, many things they supported us with was the memory box. The memory box was a box provided through Lois’s Legacy containing a huge number of things to help us remember our baby – things we could never have organised or even thought of for ourselves but that have now become the most precious items we own. A candle with ‘love you to the moon and back’ written on it that we light whenever we think of Raphe. A photo frame to put his picture in. A kit to take his foot and hand prints that these super humans helped us use. A wooden box to keep a lock of his hair – he had so much that when the midwife took a tiny bit you couldn’t even notice where it has come from!! Two tiny knitted bears, one that stays with him and one with us – we’ve taken that bear all over with us.

Things kept coming out of the box. Our lovely midwife explained we could take or leave whatever we wanted – we wanted it all. I remember the feeling so well as we sat going through it – it was like being hugged by a person you had never meet but knew exactly how you felt. That person I’ve now learnt is Stacey, and she raises money to create these boxes to donate to parents like us in Basildon and Chelmsford hospital in memory of her own baby girl, Lois born in 2018. Check out her facebook page here; https://www.facebook.com/LoisLegacy2018

And finally, we’d share any money raised with a third charity – Forever Finlay. When we first walked into the Forget me not suite, we found a number of leaflets and books that were offering support. One was Forever Finlay who offered free plaster casts of your babies hands and feet. Initially, we weren’t sure it was something we wanted but once again it become something we couldn’t be without now. And again, Forever Finley is a local husband and wife team – Rob and Charlotte- who offer this service in as many places as they are able, in memory of their own son. Rob came to take Raphe’s casts. He even left his work to be able to fit us in before we went home. It took him about an hour and half. He was so gentle with our baby boy and he spoke to us the whole time – open and honest and brave. He was the first person we had spoken to who had been in our situation. I told him at the time that he was offering more than jut one service by coming, yes, he took beautiful, beautiful casts of Raphe’s hands and feet, but he also supported two lost parents by openly sharing his own, personal experience and giving us understanding and hope. Their website is https://www.foreverfinley.co.uk/

If you’re still reading, you are awesome! Thank you. So these are the charities I hope to raise some money for in memory of our beautiful baby boy; Forget Me Not Support Group, Lois’s Legacy and Forever Finley. They are all run by inspirational people who chose to remember their babies by supporting others in the same position and from who we have personally benefited from enormously.

We will forever remember our Raphe. He will always be our first baby and it is with enormous thanks to these charities that we have the most precious memories of our boy, memories that simply would not exist without them.

If you can donate, please do, every amount makes a difference. We know this is such a tough subject, but if you would like to, please do talk to us about Raphe, we love talking about our boy. We have a long way to go but every time we do something to remember Raphe, we feel a little better. Hugs and Kisses Hayley and Emilio xx