BLACK TRANS FEMME NEEDS HELP

Hello,

I am desperately asking you to please read the following text.

I seriously need help and this is my last option.

TW: Debt, Suic1d3, R*pe, Mental health

I am completely ashamed to be asking for large financial support. My life has spiralled in many directions since 2020 & I’m at my end.

Maybe this is surprising to read, but firstly I am a performer & have been performing many roles since I was 11, as I have always understood social perception and indicators of class, wealth etc. Roles that I have cosplayed, that have been created through shame and fear.

I will not let shame be the nail in my coffin,

as much as I would rather disappear then be truly seen for the unravelling mess of my life.

I decided in 2021 that I do want to live, and that I do have a true purpose for existing after 10+years of suicidality & attempts.

Sadly, I’m back here, & to me it finally is reading as sad because I so desperately want to be here, as I become the person that so many told me never to me, the She, the 6,7,8 year old femme whose natural expression, was read as poison, shamed into my head to form a demon.

The only way I feel I can ask for help is to be truly transparent with how I got here, even though this sharing of trauma and truth fills me with self -loathing, this application for funding to live is the only way I can make any future for myself here.

The pandemic revealed that the career path chosen for me, was not supporting me in any healthy way, instead it ruled years of self-destruction, addiction, abuse, high risk behaviour and a complete lack of respect for living or dying.

The time away from ballet, allowed me to see myself and to try and nurture the young me, who only wanted joy, but at the hands of others turned joy to hatred. I found through broken shards, access to my deeper self, to my gender, my race and equally found access to communities that I saw myself in, by the summer of 2020, I was becoming empowered, embodied and honest with myself.

At the end of July 2020, I was drugged with G, raped and strangled into unconsciousness by a man in Berlin, he tried to hold me captive in his apartment, yet somehow I escaped within what seemed inches of my life.

This was the 3rd serious attempt on my life within 10 years, age 15-25, I could no longer understand why so many wanted me dead, & fell deep into depression again, this was made so much worse by needing to be hospitalised because of the destruction this man had done to my internal body, not just physically but also virally. Something which hospital staff told me was due to my identity and lifestyle. Whilst mentioning the services for rape victims, but implying that I do not have any evidence or standing to truly be seen as a victim because of the situation in which I met this man, & that really I only have myself to blame - also that covid patients were more important, & that hospital staff/services were already stretched to their limits.

I was discarded.

I spent months at home, in and out of hope & destruction, I could no longer return to work, I became increasingly paranoid and saw the worst decline in my mental health ever. I handed in my resignation supported by my psychiatrist, who deemed me unfit to work in such an environment, (classical ballet’s toxic exploitation of the physical and mental body, it’s historically racist codes and strict binary gender system) I decided my only option was to freelance, to work in environments that not only supported but celebrated me, I believed for myself this was my ticket to a form of personal freedom that I so desperately needed, & at the top of that list was to finally seek access to gender affirming care.

I was equally right and wrong.

Since then, I have hustled as much as I could, took every job opp I could find, desperately tried to expand my skills into film, dj’ing, editing, graphic design. Took jobs for exposure that never came, accepted less then minimum wage with the promise that, eventually the money will come. I honestly gaslit myself into believing that eventually my break would come and I would clear all of this up without having to expose myself. Applied to the castings/campaigns that If I booked even 1, would hugely change this situation, but the response is always “not the look we’re going for”

I realise now, that I most likely won’t ever be “the look” & not having the “right” connections will always be a barrier, to these high paying jobs, of which I am definitely capable, especially dance/ballet campaigns, but the codes keep me in the same place as in a ballet company.

I was/am unable to use Sex w0rk as income after the attack, as sexual touch, is still a huge trigger, as I do not trust men, particularly considering the rates at which black trans femmes are dying, especially those in sex work. I will not die at the hands of someone else.

I lost access to health insurance and regained it, I lost access to psychiatric medication for 1 year, and regained it. I received a Neuro-D diagnosis and then lost access to support/medical help.

I have moved from city to city, faced homeless dead on and somehow just managed to make it. I have returned to living with a parent because I could not afford food, paying the rent on my German apartment has been the most important thing this last year, as the address has given me access to health care etc.

Ive begged & borrowed from friends and family who themselves are on the breadline, after exploiting all the possibilities I had with banks and loans to keep a roof, a plate, and the energy to keep running forward whilst experiencing near constant burnout, and of course still violence, gender based, racist violence.

Inevitably, I have lost the race.

This is what that means;

- In less then 3 weeks (Aug 31st) I will officially be homeless in Germany.

- Since July 31st I am in debt with my health insurance and will not have access going forward, this again means no psychiatric medication, and no gender affirming medication - this will send my body into de-transition which is something I will not survive

- I am essentially blocked out of my German bank account and completely in the depths of debt, with interest that keeps piling.

- My German Visa is now in jeopardy.

- For my sanity and well being I cannot return to live permanently in the UK, the country has hosted the creation of so many demons, ones that I have been able to dismantle whilst living in Germany. I would also lose access to all the health care I've been receiving in Germany.

This is also made worse by a person in Leipzig, who did not remove me from a contract (which they had made me believe, after I demanded so, 2+ years ago) who has not paid the rent for months and now has me tangled in a legal battle which I simply cannot face, this alone is a debt of over 5k, not including legal fees.

I will never trust again in the ways that I have, and I’m completely devastated that this person has done this, and I blame myself for being a pawn in their game.

This is what I need;

Financial support in excess of 30K

Job opportunities, Ideally full time, with health insurance (Berlin, Frankfurt, Köln, Hamburg)

Housing opportunities with Anmeldung (Berlin, Köln, Hamburg - Leipzig for anmeldung only) any of these cities as I know people/support systems of care there, particularly Berlin. East Germany preference as I will not have to change my health insurer

Access to support groups/networks for black trans ppl, that provide mental health services

Gender affirming care

How funds will be used;

To clear debt from; Banks/loans, Health Insurance, Apartment, Artist Insurance, living bills, legal fees & to reach zero across my accounts.

What I have done so far;

I have been able to clear approx 10K from working over the last 2 years.

I am extremely open to working new environments, in new industries, but would hope to be in a space where my skills are still useful, and my identity is not endangered. I.e creative spaces (art, fashion, film, stage, performance, advising/consulting, visual storytelling (might be a stretch) etc) but also events/organising/planning/assisting/leadership (i'm good at planning/orga for others, difficult to apply to self - but working on!) I am comfortable (to a degree) in a public facing job, but I know that the potential for dysphoria is heightened in these spaces.

I could also work in nightlife, but also aware of the risk this poses for relapse.

Mostly, any job that can provide the conditions for me to have a future.

I desperately dream of passing through this transition in peace, to give my body and mind the attention and care it deserves, every bit of support makes this more and more possible, something I will be forever grateful for.

If you have made it this far I am incredibly grateful, and any capacity to donate and share with peoples, networks, organisations and charities, is my final ask. I will forever be indebted to all that offer help and support, and I am committed to making my life work reflective of this. I have goals of creating in ways to support people with stories like mine, so they don’t have to face this alone.

Thank you, with every ounce of my being, I won't let you down.