Borderline to Beautiful- Paulina's Journey

From about age 2, my beautiful daughter Paulina danced to the beat of her own drum. She is defiant, quirky, hilarious and deeply sensitive. What makes her so beautiful is also what causes her so much pain.

After many different treatment programs, including wilderness therapy, in-patient therapy, partial hospitalization therapy, outpatient therapy, group therapy, individualized therapy and the list goes on, Paulina was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She also suffers from addiction, depression and anxiety.

Life-long disabilities, mental health issues, and addictions are things most people don’t like hearing about or want to deal with. We have a mental health stigma in this society, where people believe sufferers should just try harder or get over it. I was included in this population for a long time. But now I live and breathe this suffering every day and it is HEARTBREAKING.

Paulina truly needs help and support and I cannot do it alone. Three weeks ago, she checked in to a dual diagnosis treatment center where she will stay at least 90 days. The hope is that she will reside in a sober living residence after the 90 days where she can continue doing DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) for as long as it takes.

The cost for this particular treatment will be around $8000 after insurance deductions. Paulina is in group therapy (DBT and trauma work in the morning) and substance abuse therapy (AA in the afternoon). Our goal is $4000 and anything above that will be donated to the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (NEABPD). The mission of National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder is to provide education, raise public awareness and understanding, decrease stigma, promote research, and enhance the quality of life of those affected by Borderline Personality Disorder and/or related problems, including emotion dysregulation.

Paulina has a beautiful 2-year-old daughter who needs a healthy mom. She dreams of being a successful member of society and longs desperately to get rid of the pain. Trust me when I tell you that Paulina is worth every cent and every prayer. Even a $5 donation with some words of love, support and encouragement would mean the world to us.

 

Erin, Paulina and Marleigh

Continue reading below to learn more about Paulina’s journey, Borderline Personality Disorder and Addiction.

 

Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder

 

“People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.” — Dr. Marsha Linehan

 

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

Imagine the terror you would feel if you were a child lost alone in Times Square in New York City. Your mom was there a second ago, holding your hand. Suddenly the crowd swept her away. You look around frantically trying to find her.

This is how people with BPD feel all the time: isolated, anxious, terrified at the thought of being alone. This fear can be expressed in other ways like intense rage.

 

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

People with BPD look to others to provide things that they find difficult to supply for themselves such as self-esteem, approval and a sense of identity. They are searching for a nurturing caregiver whose love and compassion will fill the black hole of despair inside them.

People with BPD are hypervigilant, looking for cues that might reveal that the person they care about doesn’t love them and is about to desert them. When their fears are confirmed, they may:

• Erupt into a rage

• Sob uncontrollably

• Make horrific accusations

• Seek revenge

• Self-mutilate

• Do other destructive things

 

This is the utter irony of BPD- people who suffer from it desperately want closeness and intimacy, but the things they do to get it, drive people away.

 

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image and/or sense of self.

Identity diffusion refers to borderline patients’ profound and often terrifying sense of not knowing who they are..ever. BPD patients are constantly filled with contradictory images of themselves that they cannot integrate. They often report:

• Feeling empty inside

• Feeling like a different person depending on who they are with

• Being dependent on others for cues on how to behave

• Feeling that being alone leaves them without a sense of who they are or with the feeling that they do not exist

• Feeling panicked and bored when alone

 

4. Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are self-damaging (spending, substance abuse, shoplifting, binge eating, reckless driving).

 

People with BPD try to fill the emptiness and create an identity through these impulsive behaviors. BPD and substance abuse usually go hand in hand. A study reported that 23% of BPD patients also had a diagnosis of substance abuse. Borderline substance abusers:

• Are likely to use more than one drug (drug and alcohol)

• Are more likely to be depressed

• Have more suicide attempts and accidents

• Have less impulse control

• Seem to have more ant-social tendencies

IMPORTANT: If a BPD patient is actively using drugs and alcohol, it is extremely difficult to determine what behaviors are related to BPD and what are related to substance abuse.

 

5. Recurrent suicidal behaviors, gestures and threats

According to the DSM-IV (2004), about 8-10% of all people with BPD commit suicide. This does not include BPD patients who engage in risky behavior that results in death like drinking and driving. Suicide and other dysfunctional behaviors are sometimes seen as the only solutions to overwhelming and uncontrollable pain.

 

6. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger

BPD rage is usually an intense, unpredictable and unaffected logical argument. It is like a torrential flash flood, a sudden earthquake or a bolt of lightning on a totally sunny day. It can disappear as quickly as it appeared.

 

7. Transient, stress related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

People who experience disassociation feel unreal, numb, strange or detached. People with BPD dissociate to different degrees to escape from painful feelings or situations. In extreme cases, people with BPD may lose all contact with reality for a brief period of time. This is why a BPD patient may have a completely different memory of an event compared to a loved one.

Additional BPD Traits

• Pervasive Shame

• Undefined Boundaries

• Control Issues

• Interpersonal Sensitivity

• Narcissistic Demands