Brett Hill- A Brother's Life & Legacy Remembered

My computer keys are stained with the salt from my tears.

Sitting down to write this was hard … very hard. Managing myself in the wake of this event … has been hard.  Finding comfort and silence from the questions in my mind... has been hard.

But I know I am not alone. That my Brother's story, and my family's story, are part of the numerous stories out there. I know that more of us than we realize have friends or know someone who has suffered through suicide loss.  That some of you reading this right now have lived through this kind of loss and can still feel that pain. I know it can be hard to talk about. It's taking me time to talk about it too.

THE GOAL:  My goal is to raise $50,000.  All of the donations will be going towards his children's futures and to a worthy charity.  Whatever is raised will be split four equal ways.  One equal part for each of my Brother’s three beautiful children, Elijah, Norah, and soon to arrive, baby Levi.  The funds will go into a stock/education fund that will grow and be held for the kids’ college & future educations, something Brett dreamed of providing them. The fourth equal part will be donated to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (afsp.org ), where the money can be used to directly benefit research, resources, outreach programs, education, healing, counseling, health services, and advocating for policies and legislation to impact suicide prevention and mental health programs.  This is in hope to help survivors of suicide, and people at risk of suicide and mental illness'.  

May Brett's story, and this campaign, be more than just a way to help honor his legacy, but also be a means to help you or other people and families who, as we speak, are fighting these same battles.  Or who may struggle with them in the future.  My hope is that someone out there may recognize Brett in their own loved one, and reading this will give them strength to intervene before it is too late. … that a life can possibly be saved through the telling of my Brother’s story.  When it comes to suicidal thoughts, seconds matter. Never wait to seek help. No matter how unmanageable, untamed, and unsafe the world may seem, no matter how broken
you may feel, there is always hope for recovery. The first step: stick around. …  My hope is that a life can possibly be saved through the telling of my Brother’s story.


                ....So here it goes...




...I can still see the last text I tried to send him...

I was worried and scared, but trying to seem calm.  I desperately reached out to tell him that I loved him. That we all did. That I was worried about him.  That, whatever he was going through, he didn't have to go through it alone. I pleaded for him to get back to any of us...  His phone was off, but I sent the text thinking, somehow he might see it and this would all be over.

It was a beautiful Monday afternoon and I was on my way back from camping.  Earlier that day, I had received a worried message from Mom asking if I had heard from my brother.  She told me that no one had seen or heard from him since Friday night.  He didn't show up for work that morning and his pregnant wife, Kristin had just filed a missing person's report.  She and other family members were out looking for him already.  The last thing anyone heard from him were texts to his wife Kristin and to his ex-wife Jennica the Friday night before with a message of love and apology for his children... and then his phone went silent …

And my text never went through.

I went home to take a nap, hoping that this was all a bad dream.  I was praying and pleading, real worry beginning to set it.  This was unlike Brett.  Hopefully, in a few hours I would wake up, we will have found him, and everything was going to be alright.

I woke up to my rattled girlfriend bursting into my room and shoving her phone into my hands.  I slowly sat up and heard my brother Evan's voice.  He was urgent, and struggling to hold his composure.  Everyone had been trying to reach me. "Wake up.  Splash some cold water on your face," he said.  I knew to brace myself for what was coming next.  It didn't matter.

My knees buckled as Evan broke the news to me...

I dropped to the kitchen floor like a rock.  Limp, lifeless, hopeless.  I couldn't believe it.  I didn't want to believe it. How could this be real? This was never supposed to happen.  I never saw it coming...not my big brother. Lonely, shocked, confused, I sat on the cold kitchen floor shaking, trying to process what I had just heard...I never knew I could cry that hard.  I wish I had blacked out, not remembered anything.  But I felt it all. And it hurt.

                                                                --------------------------------------------



My Big Brother, Brett Jared Hill, took his own life on Oct. 4th, 2019... two weeks after his 35th birthday.  He was a loving father to two beautiful kids, his firstborn, 7 year old Elijah and 4 year old Norah (the 1st girl born into our family in over 100 years), and had another son, lil Levi, on the way with his wife Kristin.  No notes.  No letters.  He didn't try to reach out to any of us...he's just gone.  These kids are going to be left with questions for the rest of their lives.  I'm still in disbelief...

He was working on a better chapter for his life, on turning a new page, and he was doing so well, making a lot of progress.  He was finally enjoying where he was at in the sunshine and warmth of SoCal.  He was excelling at his new job.  Everyone that worked with Brett, loved him.  He had met his wife, Kristin and really found a special connection with her.  And he was excited about the new baby coming! He wanted to teach Levi how to golf, and throw the football.  They were making plans to begin a family. He definitely had his struggles, but Brett was finally happy!  And he loved life.  And anyone around him lately would have told you the same thing.  But the demons were still there, lurking beneath a seemingly happy and positive composure. I guess more so than we understood.  Only, he was a magician at hiding it behind that charming smile.

Brett had suffered from depression and Bi-Polar mental illness since his mid high school years.  I know he had a hard time with it too.  We tried countless times to get him to accept help, but he was so ashamed of what he suffered that he went into denial time after time after time. He would go on medication and hate the way it made him feel, but yet he knew he needed the help it provided. He would feel better and justify that fact for going off the medication, only to suffer other consequences as a result. Eventually his denial provided him with an out … if he denied it existed within him, it simply didn’t.  And over the years, things were going to get more complicated.

I always hated thinking of my brother in relation to the stigma of "mental illness."  I never saw my brother as ill.  And talking about this in a way that expresses that he may have been, just doesn't sit right with me. I always felt he just was fighting against circumstances that never seemed to go his way. But I don't know.  None of us can fathom what went wrong.  Mental illness is like a ticking time bomb … you never know when that bomb will go off, or why.  We know Brett wanted to live … he wanted to live!  But whatever it was that made him give up all hope had to have suddenly risen up from that deep, dark place in his mind.  He simply had no fight left.  And we were all blindsided.

Why didn’t we know there was something wrong?  With us knowing Brett’s past history, why didn’t we see the signs of this impending disaster coming?  Why didn’t Brett seek help … he knew help would be there from any one of us if he would have just asked.  But you see, there are no answers to any of these questions that circle around in our heads.  Brett made a split-second decision to end his inner torment that, once set into motion, was impossible to reverse, and it has changed our lives forever. 


And while Brett's story is tragic and devastating, especially for me and our entire family, I know his is not the only one like it.  And we are not the only family to suffer this kind of loss.

There are countless families who have been torn apart by the loss of a father, a mother, child, brother or sister, or friend to suicide.  There are more people than we realize who struggle with ailments like depression and bi polar disorder and fight their demons daily.  There are many who have won their battles.  And many who have not.  There are many families who have survived the loss...and some who have not.

Mental health disorders are real illnesses.  Often, they cause people to suffer silently. And unfortunately, there is still a stigma associated with them. But, having discussions and raising awareness about mental health are the first steps to combating the stigma.  This is something that needs to be openly talked about more, but people don't like to talk about it.  If you or a loved one suffers with these same battles, please, reach out to someone.  When it comes to suicidal thoughts, seconds matter. Never wait to seek help. No matter
how unmanageable, untamed, and unsafe the world may seem, no matter how broken
you may feel, there is always hope for recovery. The first step: stick around.

Brett never fully realized what a beautiful, wonderful, talented, sensitive, and loving person he was, and how much life he had yet to live … or just how much he had to offer others. He sometimes saw himself as a failure, someone the world would be better off without.  But that couldn't be farther away from the truth.  Those were the demons in his mind, not the true person my brother was.  Brett was a lot of things.  And up until the end, he was a strong spirit, a fierce one.  He had a beautiful heart. He was very loving and gentle.  He was kind and generous.  he was so handsome.  He was a  chizzled jawline with a prominent brow, a crooked nose, a big smile, and big twinkling brown eyes. He was a big squeezing hug and a devilish grin.  A cackling laugh or a contagious giggle.  He was a sports fan with zest.  He was a mentor.  A teacher. He was an example.  And a role model in more ways than he will ever understand. He was a clown. He was a passionate man. He was a simple man. He was a guiding voice.  He didn't take s%#@ from anyone.  He was a son.  He was a husband. He was blood. He was an dedicated and loving father.  He was a child of God.  He was a good man.  But most of all, Brett was my Big Brother.  And no amount of time will make me miss him less.

My hope for this campaign is to turn Brett's story of pain and tragedy, into a story of impact.  A story that can still help make a difference in the lives of those still here, for others that may be going through the same struggles, and for families that are left to cope in the wake of suicide loss.  And lastly, for my Big Brother Brett, his son Elijah, his daughter Norah, and his son on the way, Levi Isaiah Brett Hill. I wanted to make sure my brother's tragic passing was not in vain.   His legacy now lives on with us and his three children.  It's up to us to make sure they always know the kind of man their dad was, and how very much he loved them.  Up to us to be there for them, and help raise them up.  After all, its etched in my skin in ink... "I am my Brother's Keeper."

If you've read this far, on behalf of my family and I, I want to thank you for all your care and support.  It has meant alot to us.  The amount of love and prayers pouring in has been overwhelming.  And if you feel compelled to help by donating, we THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR GENEROSITY … no matter how large or small!!  But even if you aren't able to donate, that's ok too. We love you and are grateful for your prayers and emotional support. If you knew Brett, and were touched by him in any way, please share this message.  Share his story.  Help me to turn my Brother's death into something that can still have a positive impact on the life of his children, and perhaps someone else.  Maybe his story will be the something to save someone's life. Or the something to drive you to intervene in someone's life who desperately needs it right now.  He impacted many of us more than he will ever know, and he will always live on in our hearts and memories. 

"Toughest pill to swallow, but we lost, that's forced reflection
while in our lives' you made us happy.  Thank you for the blessing."
            - G Eazy - "Everything Will Be Ok"

I love you Brother, now and never ending.
God knows, we miss you. So much.

Thank You,

Garrett Hill