D.A.R.V.O. Lawsuit Recovery

THANK YOU to everyone who has donated so far — I can't tell you what it's meant. Your help has been truly lifesaving. Thank you so very, very much again.

A note:

It is well known that abuse thrives in silence, but no one seems to say the second part: that silence is rewarded. While breaking that silence is met with further abuse.

My story:

In 2019, I received a set of serious and credible allegations about a systematic 10-year pattern of sexual misconduct — grooming, harassment, coercion — against young women and girls, by a fellow member of the local theater community. I believed the allegations, I absolutely still do, and I carried them forward as the allegiant requested, and as several people close to the situation advised, including a rep from our local organization serving survivors of domestic and intimate partner violence. The man at the center of the allegations sued me for defamation. 

These cases are more and more commonly being referred to as “D.A.R.V.O. lawsuits” (Defend, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender — a tactic used by narcissists, abusers, and predators), and they are on the rise, as a direct backlash to the #MeToo movement.

Many, if not most, if not nearly all of these D.A.R.V.O. cases have nothing to do with defamation, and everything to do with punishing women for speaking up about men’s behavior, and with abusive men’s inability to face the consequences of their own actions. The abuse - financial and psychological - is the point.

My case, and every case like it, begs a simple, fundamental, and horrifying question: do men still own women? Do men still have the legal right to do whatever they want to women, while women do not even have the legal right to speak of it?

It would seem so.

In my case, the allegations had no direct connection with me, I never made an accusation, and I confirmed them with three of the named women. I was just a messenger — a concerned adult who was informed about an alleged pattern of sexual misconduct against young women and girls in my community — and as the messenger, I have taken a huge bullet that's ripped through my life for six years and counting. All for responding completely appropriately, all for standing up for young women and girls.

So what has that bullet looked like?

A high level of financial need does not create a high-paying job — this has meant that I have had to work up to six jobs at a time., without rest, for years on end to pay an attorney out of pocket. There were periods of time I have spent working literally 24 hours a day. And this, coupled with the extreme and multi-layered stress of the lawsuit itself, has gone on for six years, and impacts to my health, my relationships, and my life trajectory have been catastrophic.

All because I believed, and stood up for, young women and girls.

After being dragged through this process for five years, the judge stepped in and ensured that the jury found against me. Please see my update, below, for more about what happened at trial, and more about these cases in general.

Talking about these allegations was never the problem. The allegations were the problem. Talking about them was the solution. And nothing in the past six years has dissuaded me from that. If you learn that there is a possibility that young people are being harmed, you look into it. You address it. You bring others into the conversation. That’s what you do, and I’d absolutely do it again. If these (heavily credible) allegations were indeed true, then a pattern was stopped. That's what matters.

But making that effort, and starting that conversation, got me successfully sued in a culture that prioritizes men and their feelings over women and their experiences.

This GFM is your chance to offset just a tiny shred of that dreadful reality.

Help me get rid of this abusive debt. Help me recover from this abuse and trauma. Help me because you recognize that this is what "believing women" actually looks like - that there is still risk and harm attached. Help me get away from this violence and back to my own life — help me, as I come away from this obscene little circus, get a chance to reclaim my own capacity to thrive.

I think I deserve that.

I hope you agree.

I’m eternally grateful to all of you who have already offered your support. Where I’ve lost faith in so much, I’ve found a lot of faith in the plain kindness of people.

Thank you.