Buy Everyone A Kettle & Fix Cost Of Living Crisis

I am raising £556,000,000 to buy everyone in Britain a new kettle and therefore solve the cost of living crisis once and for all. 

Boris Johnson is a genius, and I don’t know why anyone hasn’t already come up with this brainwave. Therefore, I will be purchasing a new kettle for every single one of the 27.8m households in Britain. 

Once I have the £556m in place, I’ll nip down to Argos (I have a seven-seater, so I should manage it in four or five trips) and buy them all. I should get enough Nectar Points to get everyone in Milton Keynes an entry-level Breville Sandwich Toaster as well, along with a Morphy Richards Teasmade for my mum and dad. 

I keep the lot in my shed, and everyone in the UK can pop over my gaff to pick theirs up. We will need a system, so maybe everyone in Cornwall on Monday, Devon on Tuesday, and so on. 

Alternatively, if this proves to be a bit tricky, I’ll just give all of the money to Trussell Trust food banks instead so it can actually help people during one of the worst winters we’ve ever known.