Cam’s Top Surgery Fund
Let me start out by saying I’m no good at this. Writing about who I am, what this all means to me, and why you might consider being a part of this - it isn’t my strong suit. With that being said, here we go:
Hi! My name is Cam. I’m 29 and I currently live in Northern California. As it turns out, I’m trans. I’ve been on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) for just over 1.5 years now. I’ve come out to my family in waves. First, when I was 22, I told my mom right before Christmas that I was gay. Second, I was 27 and, as became tradition, right before Christmas came out as non-binary and that I would be starting HRT. This past Christmas (surprise), I came out as trans. I reintroduced myself with a new name and pronouns. I just wanted my family to know the real me.
From the time that I was quite young, I mean my first real memories, I had a feeling something wasn’t quite...right? Maybe I was just a stubborn annoying child but, on the other hand, this might have been why I fought my mom so hard when she tried to dress me in all of those clothes she thought I’d be so cute in... sorry, mom. I knew I had crushes on girls for certain when I was 9. Girls would kiss me on the bus and threaten to tell everyone I was gay if I ever said anything. I guess that means my first kiss was with a girl- sorry to let you down, Billy. I remember a huge relief being a neighbor giving my younger brother some of the clothes he had outgrown and I stole a pair of green cargo shorts. My mother hated them but I wouldn’t give them up. They were all I had. They made me comfortable. Playing street hockey and riding bikes off jumps with the neighborhood boys - finally, with these shorts, I was one of them. I wanted to be just like them so bad and I didn’t understand why. I grew up in a place without much diversity.I remember my first time meeting someonewho was gay and thinking it was such a huge deal. I didn’t have the language to articulate how I felt. That who I was and how I needed to be then wasn’t right. I wanted to cut all my hair off, I wanted to wear all of the cargo shorts and t-shirts, I wanted to run around without a shirt on, I wanted to be a boy.
As I’ve grown, learned, and experienced community, I know now that I’ve always been a boy. Even in the moments when I was made to wear dresses, even when I asked for makeup just to try to fit in, even when I had to wear more clothes than I wanted to swim and go to the beach - it’s always been me and none of that made me any less boy.
For those of you who, like I once didn’t, don’t know what gender dysphoria is here’s a quick definition:
“Gender dysphoria involves a conflict between a person's physical or assigned gender and the gender with which he/she/they identify. People with gender dysphoria may be very uncomfortable with the gender they were assigned, sometimes described as being uncomfortable with their body (particularly developments during puberty) or being uncomfortable with the expected roles of their assigned gender.
People with gender dysphoria may often experience significant distress and/or problems functioning associated with this conflict between the way they feel and think of themselves (referred to as experienced or expressed gender) and their physical or assigned gender.”
This is what I know: Dysphoria is mean. It hits everyone differently so I can only speak
to my experience with it. It wakes up when I look in the mirror, or put on clothes that don’t feel or fit “right”, when my voice cracks,or I see my budding little beard and mustache look like a 14 year old really trying his best. It happens when I’m in the shower, when I have to think about and plan every outfit based on who I’ll be around and if I’ll pass as a guy. It’s bad when I put on my binder (a very fitted piece of clothing I have to flatten my chest) and it still isn’t flat enough or you can see the seams of it under my shirt. Dysphoria tells me no matter how hard I try, it will never be quite right. Dysphoria hates, it’s disgusted - and dysphoria lies.
I know where I am now, I am a boy. I have been and always will be just that. And while I know that, my heart hurts everyday knowing that dysphoria will come back and kick my ass day in and day out because my voice, my hair, my body - they just don’t match.
I’ve spent more time than I can say thinking about this decision. I know now that what is right for me, my mind, and my body is to get a surgery that will help me to have the body I was always meant to have. A body in which I can take off my shirt and walk around, go to the beach, swim, exercise, and live with this off my chest - literally.
The good news: I’ve met with a doctor virtually and luckily I’m a good candidate for the surgery.
The not-so-good news: I have to cover the entire cost of the procedure and pay for it in full by the day it happens. No insurance, just out-of-pocket.
Regardless of whether or not you decide todonate, I appreciate the time spent readingthis. I am incredibly thankful for all of the words of support I have already received. Sharing this is a huge way of helping and would really go a long way.
Thank you for everything -
Cam
