Christa's Strength: The Faith to be Made Whole

Made Whole | My Anthem

Isaiah 53:4-5 AMPC

“Surely He has borne our griefs (sicknesses, weaknesses, and distresses) and carried our sorrows and pains [of punishment], yet we [ignorantly] considered Him stricken, smitten, and afflicted by God [as if with leprosy]. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our guilt and iniquities; the chastisement [needful to obtain] peace and well-being for us was upon Him, and with the stripes [that wounded] Him we are healed and made whole.”

I was told the cancer threatened my unborn baby’s life.

But I was made whole.

I was told there was no cure. No hope. No options left.

But I was made whole.

Anxiety rose up to cripple and fear to paralyze me.

But I was made whole.

Grief took hold to swallow and deep sorrow welled up to drown me.

But I was made whole.

With each relapse, I heard the whispers:

“This is the end. There’s nothing more that can be done.”

But I was made whole.

The repeated pangs of defeat and agony of loss tore my spirit.

But I was made whole.

Cancer’s long road and relentless pursuit left me weary.

But I was made whole.

Not by medicine alone. Not by sheer human will.

But by the Great Physician who in His infinite grace,

Reached down and each time made me whole.

He restored my soul. He strengthened my spirit.

He surrounded me with goodness and mercy.

And He spoke these words over me:

“I give you a hope. I give you a future. In Me, you are made whole.”

And though I face this trial anew, this I know:

I am made whole.

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Why Your Support is Needed

In September of 2023, the unthinkable happened - cancer returned for a fourth time. And this time, it feels different. More aggressive, more resistant. My doctors say surgery is still an option, but the prognosis is uncertain. Again, they can cut it out. Again, there's little guarantee it won't grow back.

Only a few months earlier, in April, I unexpectedly lost my husband, Dave. Facing this battle without him overwhelms me. But our six children can’t lose a mother and step-mother, too. I have to fight. Though the well-intentioned traditional routes and multiple surgeries have provided some time, they haven't cured this cancer.

I believe there is a better way. A holistic way to combat cancer by strengthening my immune system and depriving this disease of what it needs to thrive. I have found an integrated approach to cancer fighting and prevention. It combines natural treatments, diet, and lifestyle changes. It takes a look at the whole person - body, mind, and spirit. This gives me hope.

Since insurance does not cover alternative approaches, the natural methods are for me to cover alone. As a family, we’ve already made sacrifices to pay for initial consultations. Now, through T-Shirt, candle and lip balm sales, we need your help to cover the the ongoing care required over the next several months to beat this cancer once and for all.

With God's help and your support, I know I will be made whole. My children need their mother. I am determined to do whatever it takes to live a full, healthy life, trusting that God has a hope and a future for me. Please consider contributing to my treatment, so I can continue this fight. Believe with me that there is always hope, and through Jesus there is always a way.

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My Story

Unwelcome Echoes

You have cancer, each syllable, a piercing reminder of the battles fought, the losses endured, and the scars I bear.

Cancer - a six-letter word, unassuming yet lethal - has pursued me relentlessly, daring to appear not once, but four harrowing times in my life.

Eyes closed, I can still imagine the warm, reassuring grasp of my husband’s hand, a sanctuary amidst the storm of past diagnoses, treatments, and disheartening news. But life, in its unpredictable cruelty, whisked him away only months before, leaving behind a void too vast to fathom. This time, there would be no safe hand to grasp.

My name is Christa, a four-time cancer warrior, a widow, and most importantly, a mother and step-mother to six children who have involuntarily been thrust into this tumultuous journey alongside me. Our story is not one of pain and loss, but of resilience, of stolen moments of joy amidst the chaos, and an undying hope for healing and peace through Jesus.

Shattered Expectations

“Live healed” – a mantra, a silent prayer that has echoed through the corridors of my soul, especially in moments where the darkness threatened to engulf the light. My journey through the valleys of cancer diagnoses has been a tumultuous one, each instance enveloping me in a unique emotional shroud.

2018 was a maelstrom of fear and solitude, each heartbeat whispering the terrifying unknowns of a future with cancer. George, as I named my tumor, became a tangible entity, a way to disarm fear with humor, allowing my family and I to navigate through the trepidation with faint smiles. After the surgery, my focus shifted towards physical healing, towards reclaiming my body and basking in the relief of overcoming a deadly adversary. And then came Dave – a beacon of love and joy, obliterating the shadows cast by the “C” word.

The year 2019 ushered in a juxtaposition of unparalleled joy and unexpected dread. Pregnant with our miracle, Addie Grace, joy was a tangible presence in our lives. But with the recurrence of cancer, our world teetered on the brink of despair. We walked the tightrope, balancing the safety of our unborn daughter and the urgency of addressing the malignancy. Through surgical pains, I found solace in Dave’s unwavering support and we held onto hope, onto faith, and emerged on the other side, albeit with scars – both seen and unseen.

In 2021, fear, now a familiar foe, again seeped into our lives. With two little souls depending on me, the decision to undergo another surgery was one of necessity, not choice. Anger and determination became my allies, propelling me towards a holistic approach to healing as I realized that conventional methods were merely a temporary dam against an incessant tide. Six months of detoxing and immune-boosting followed, a desperate bid to wrest control from an unseen enemy.

And then, 2023 – a year marred by an inconceivable loss and the resurgence of a formidable enemy. Alone, I grappled with the tempest of emotions that surged through me – anger, grief, and a fear so palpable, it was almost a physical entity. Yet, in the middle of this storm, the embers of faith glowed quietly, persistently. I began to understand that maybe, I was always meant to walk this path, to tread where angels fear, and to bear testament to the unyielding strength derived from an unwavering faith in Jesus.

My relationship with Dave was an odyssey of love, laughter, and companionship. Every moment with him was an adventure, every day a cherished memory imprinted on my heart. From the joyous simplicity of our morning coffee sessions to the synergy with which we worked together, embarked on projects, and served others – life with Dave was a beautiful serenity even during the chaos of life’s trials. He found his joy, embarking on his dream of starting a handyman business and touching lives, one service at a time.

Motherhood has been a journey of paradoxical emotions. There's guilt, sharp and unrelenting, mingled with the boundless love and relentless determination to forge ahead for the sake of my children. My mission, now more than ever, is to be a pillar of strength, a testament to Jesus’s teachings, and a conduit of love and assurance for them. My hope is to infuse them with the wisdom to navigate through life’s challenges with grace, to dream boundlessly, and to embody the teachings of Jesus in every step they take.

Throughout this journey, scriptures have been a comforting, steadfast presence – Jeremiah 29:11, Psalms 23, and Isaiah 53:4 have been anchors in the turbulent seas of trials and tribulations. They whisper promises of hope, restoration, and healing – assurances that have gently cradled my spirit through the darkest of times.

Steadfast Love

Always present was a hopeful spirit, believing that each surgical intervention would be the last, that this time, we’d conquer it. But with each recurrence, the letdown was palpable, and my faith in God’s promise of healing wavered, inviting a deeper introspection into the harmony between divine healing and our earthly choices.

Reflecting on these experiences, I’ve begun to unravel the understanding that our life choices can indeed undo God’s healing in our lives. It’s not a transactional relationship with the Divine – not a matter of ticking off A, B, or C to secure healing. God, in His infinite love, grace, and mercy, offered salvation through Jesus, absolving us from the need to be perfect. So, it becomes a journey of walking within God’s optimal plan for our lives, recognizing that perhaps stress, processed foods, and anxiety were never part of His divine blueprint. My longstanding battles with stress, anxiety, and depression have now become an elephant in the room that demands attention – not to be shrouded in denial, but to be addressed, understanding that being sick is not God’s plan for me.

Chondrosarcoma, the type of cancer I have been dealing with, doesn’t respond to radiation or chemotherapy. The only medical intervention is surgery. And as we know, it’s been a mixed bag of results. Each few years, the tumors regrow and surgery is needed once again. Each surgeon's skill and expertise in surgical removal was commendable, yet when it came to exploring holistic approaches, the support was conspicuously absent.

I went on the search for alternative therapy and found the SquareOne anti-cancer protocol and diet offered a fresh perspective – some semblance of control and empowerment in a journey that often felt like being adrift in an endless sea. It shifted the paradigm from passive adherence to medical advice to actively forging a path towards healing. SquareOne, while encouraging, also presented its own challenges – it is daunting and financially demanding. Adopting a holistic approach, focusing on nutrition, immune-boosting, stress management, and overall wellness, while logical and resonating with my intuition, does not come with guarantees. But it is a path chosen with conscious intent, providing energy and hope in contrast to repeat surgeries and MRIs.

Each surgery was a confrontation with fear – a formidable adversary that whispered doubts and imagined worst-case scenarios. The fear of not waking up, of painful recovery, and of enduring the ordeal of healing from a 12-inch incision, was real. I prayed, found assurance in the presence of God, and propelled myself forward with a determination to fight, regardless of the fear that clung tightly. Now, as I navigate through alternative therapies, I do so with a familiar companion – fear, yet accompanied by a newfound hope.

Unfolding Faith

In the sanctuary of our relationship, Dave and I found a haven where challenges were met with unity and every obstacle was faced hand-in-hand. Our love, not only endured but flourished, as we navigated each hurdle together. Significant growth moments were always intertwined with the recognition of God’s goodness, a tapestry of blessings and love that enveloped us even in our moments of despair—be it the return of cancer, sleepless nights with the baby, or mounting bills. Every plea of “God, where are you?” was met with an affirmation of His presence, always providing a glimmer of hope that propelled us forward.

My journey through cancer has been a private one up until this moment. Those in the know have been pillars of unwavering support, each in their own distinctive way. From groceries and supplies to toys for the little ones, my sister, dad, and an entire village of incredible souls, including volunteers like yourselves, have been a fortress of support, embodying God’s love and vast army of people.

Dave’s transition to heaven extinguished the joy and safety that once permeated our home. His spirit lingers, communicating, encouraging, and guiding us, but the physical absence of my person—my confidante for every joy and fear—is a gaping chasm that no words or letters to him can fill. Every day is a struggle to be a pillar of strength for our kids, to provide them with the attention and assurance they need while being pulled in myriad directions. Prayer has become my constant, a dialogue where I remind God, sometimes with tears, sometimes with anger, of His promises. Our collective pain has also blossomed our faith and relationship with Jesus.

Coping has been a mix of denial, staying busy with projects, and prayer. Nancy Dufresne's "Victory Over Grief and Sorrow” has brought so much comfort, peace, and strength. It’s easier to use the pretense that I never had Dave to help me navigate this journey alone. Dave left such a huge hole, that not just one person can fill it. It takes a village and it's a necessary illusion to muster the strength to keep going. I reluctantly seek help until absolutely necessary. It’s Jesus and me, navigating through this new normal.

The day before Dave transitioned to Heaven, we had a pivotal conversation. It echoes in my memories as a beacon that encourages me to press forward. I was struggling with depression and contemplating abandoning Crookston Candles and Dave, my unwavering cheerleader, saw the light it brought to me and encouraged me to keep going. He promised to support me in making this dream a reality. His belief fuels the continuation of the business, providing a positive focal point even in the pain.

His unfinished book on marriage, crafted from his own learnings and growth in Jesus, will serve as a precious guidebook for our children, a legacy of wisdom from the best dad in the world. Dave, with his indomitable spirit, never knew surrender, always exploring, studying, and persisting until he’d unearthed a solution.

Daily Struggles

My journey with cancer and the poignant loss embedded within it have significantly molded my values, priorities, and philosophies, casting life in a different, more profound light. When I hear grievances now, there’s an internal, somewhat sardonic echo of, “Is that all?” Not out of negation of others’ pain, but perhaps as a silent testament to the vast abysses I’ve peered into. Despite the tears, screams, and anger that cascade through me, there’s always a subsequent moment of surrender: “Okay, Jesus, let’s navigate through this, what do you have for me?”

The one thing I’ve learned through the loss of my rock and amazing husband Dave, is that life on this side of Heaven is about one thing, finding Jesus, loving Him, and being that love to others. It outshines the importance of everything else, career, marriage, children, possessions, and leisure. In moments where the sadness is so intense it threatens to overtake me and sobs wrack my body, I find myself praising His name, that even still, God is good and He is with me. His word states he is close to the brokenhearted and he binds up their wounds. I have found that to be true. I am grateful for his steadfast presence that is ever present help in my time of need.

My hope is further fortified by the unwavering support of an incredible family and phenomenal friends. Their collective strength and encouragement have been pillars, helping me find the courage to persist even when the path ahead was shrouded in obscurity.

For my children, my most fervent wish and desire is for them to know Jesus. I yearn for them to intimately know Him, to find solace and joy in Him during times of prosperity and adversity alike, to love, serve, and exemplify His love to others. Galatians 5:22 stands as a beacon, illuminating the path I hope for them - a path where their lives bear the fruits of the Spirit, reflecting love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

In the narratives of our lives, despite the tempests we navigate, it is these virtues, and the unwavering love of Jesus, that I pray will guide, sustain, and enrich their journey, just as it has mine.

Quiet Moments

I find solace and connection with Dave and God most often in nature. We go to Petros Park or the Resi in Massillon a lot. Especially when the days have been hard and the grief harder. The encompassing peace, love, and beauty, indescribable yet palpable, become my haven, particularly when a break feels out of reach. Throughout various life stages, different hobbies have served as my anchors: running during high school and college, powerlifting post-divorce in 2013, and hiking after having children. Now, crafting candles and lip balms, coupled with refreshing park visits with the girls, provide a gentle reprieve.

The landscape of my routine has transformed dramatically compared to a few weeks ago, now striving to adhere to the SquareOne daily routine amidst the whirlwind of research, whole food and supplement purchasing, and implementing new practices. Simultaneously, I navigate maintaining a clean house, keeping the littles entertained and nourished, running a business, and desperately seeking moments of sleep.

Though it's a daunting journey, a quiet assurance whispers that we'll figure it out, all of us. I’ve witnessed the children adapt, embracing new foods and supporting me with their cheerfulness, love, and even research. Their hugs and encouragement bolster me, especially in moments when defeat tries to encroach upon my spirit. Watching the littles assist with juicing or adventurous tastings of new salads and veggies fills me with inspiration and a quiet affirmation that we’re aligning with the right path.

A future aspiration includes harmoniously incorporating somatic exercise, yoga, daily walks, strength training, meditation, and prayer into my routine. The human mind and body are astonishing in their adaptability, expanding or adjusting to accommodate new practices. My friends, with their generous offers of help, stand ready, and the challenge now lies in discerning the initial direction to point them toward.

Joyful moments, those precious instances of lightness and levity, are most often found in times with our children. Witnessing their laughter, achievements, and adventurous spirits trying new things infuses my world with joy. Experiencing the divine working through church, where I’ve felt God’s love so profoundly that it moved me to tears, has also been incredibly uplifting. Even the playful (and occasionally frustrating) antics of Cam and Jaidan’s new kitten have introduced an unexpected brightness to our home.

Throughout this journey, various books, music, and movies have offered comfort and influence. "Victory over Grief and Sorrow" by Nancy Dufrense and "The Wellness Mama 5-Step Lifestyle Detox" have been vital literary companions, while podcasts like Sean Croxton's "Quote of the Day" have provided audio encouragement. “The Secret - Dare to Dream” was a cherished movie Dave and I used to watch together, enveloped in its inspirational narrative.

Music, especially, has been a poignant conduit of connection and comfort. Though I initially didn’t share Dave’s appreciation for bands like Tremonti and Alter Bridge, their music has become a cherished link to him since his passing. Their lyrics now serve as a medium through which I feel his presence, while artists like Danny Gokey, MercyMe, and Lauren Daigle, as well as the soothing strains of Lo-fi chill-hop beats, provide a melodic backdrop to my journey.

This kaleidoscope of daily life, interests, and hobbies, interwoven with memories, connections, and future aspirations, crafts the rich tapestry of my current existence. It's a narrative punctuated with moments of chaos and calm, challenge and triumph, sorrow and joy, and through it all, the unwavering thread of love, faith, and resilience is woven, binding it all together.

Wholeness Ahead

“Live healed.” It is more than a mantra; it is an embodiment of my belief and faith in Jesus, my Rock, my Savior. Through Him, the anthem permeates every fiber of my being, every moment of despair, and every triumph over pain.

Jesus, the cornerstone of my existence, has intertwined Himself in every note of my life’s melody. His promises, as proclaimed in Isaiah 53:4-5, have been the harmonious undercurrent through every crescendo and decrescendo of my journey. Even when the world declared an end, His whispers of healing and completeness enveloped me, enveloping my spirit with assurance and everlasting love.

As you've walked beside me through the valleys and peaks of my story, I hope you feel the gentle yet fortifying presence of His love. May my journey inspire you to find solace in His promises and be a testament to His unfailing love and healing.

Today, I humbly invite you to become a part of this journey. Your prayers, your support, and your sharing of this story serve not only to uphold my family and me but also to amplify the testament of God’s goodness, grace, and unwavering love.

May my story, underscored by “Live Healed,” be a melody of hope, an anthem of perseverance, and a testament to His unfailing love and grace. May we all find peace, strength, and wholeness in His embrace, as we continue our own melodies, beautifully woven by His hands.

With deep gratitude and held in His unwavering love,

Christa