Help O get top surgery!

Hello, hi, how are ya?

My name is Oisín and I need your help.

For the last couple of years I have known that my gender identity didn’t align with how people recognise me and have come out officially as trans-masculine/non-binary. But truthfully I’ve known it my whole life. When I was a kid I thought everyone grew up to be a boy. I waited patiently for years knowing that on the inside I wasn’t a girl. I dressed up, on my own in secret, in my button down pyjamas pretending it was a suit. I played house and would assume the role of dad, brother, dog, anything but the female roles that my friends were so happy to play. I kept my hair short, wore boys clothes and prayed to myself that one day I could wake up and be different.

I settled on acceptance. I decided everyone must feel like this. This is what being a girl must feel like, and I could manage that. In the meantime I played Boy as much as I could.

But then I hit puberty and things changed.

I was lucky enough to be surrounded for my teenage years by strong women and going to an all girls school I had constant reminders of how unlimited the power and character of womanhood was. I saw my friends blossom into artists and scientists and hard workers and knew that they were not be limited by their gender. I thought to myself that if they felt how I felt and they could flourish then I could do that too. I could manage that too. But I always felt so distant at the same time, desperate to have someone describe to me what I should be feeling, to teach me how to feel it too.

We learned about women in history and I felt comforted knowing that women could be strong, could be adventurers, could be inventors, could be all the things I had aspired to as a child.

I thought that because womanhood had no bounds and could fit to any role and hold so much, I assumed that it could hold me too. So I kept waiting, still feeling something was off.

I started binding my chest when I was 19. I was living with a friend and seeking entertainment one evening we decided to put me in boy drag. I let her paint my face for what felt like a life time, wearing my loosest shirt and using a combination of a sports bra plus copious amounts of masking tape (no pun intended) I strapped my chest down and when I looked at myself in the mirror I realised this is what I had dreamed of all those years before. I saw the boy I thought I would grow up to be. Everything suddenly felt right and everything suddenly felt terrifying.

The box I had been trying to fit myself into for so long had never been right but it had been something to hold onto. A shelter from how scary the alternative was.

Transitioning is expensive. Transitioning takes a long time. Enduring waiting lists Knowing that it will be a while before I reach the point where I feel more comfortable in my body without the assistance of uncomfortable binding. The emotional exhaustion of being misgendered constantly by strangers. Having to reintroduce myself to old friends and hope that they take me as I am. Knowing the risks of medical procedures like top surgery.

All of these things have been so daunting for so long. Have been roadblocks between me asking for the help that I need because I don’t want to feel like a nuisance. But the time has come.

Its taken me a long time to understand my identity. I know all the way through this I have referred to myself as a boy and I still do but I want to be clear that I’m nonbinary and use they/them pronouns. I know that a woman is not what I am, but I also don’t feel right saying I’m a man. I haven’t had a male experience. I’m just me. But being comfortably me on the outside in the same way I have become on the inside is going to take some changes.

I’ve recognised that I’m not comfortable with binding forever, and I need top surgery to reach the peace in my body that I see so many of my friends experiencing. The dysphoria I feel everyday holds me back from so much. It weighs on my brain and keeps me down. It effects my mental health. The fear is still there and it effects how I interact with the world This surgery would do so much for me. It would change my life. And it would save my life.

Asking for help is not something that comes naturally to me but I can’t do this on my own. If you could please donate anything that you can spare then that would mean the world to me. I understand times are hard so if you aren’t able to donate yourself, if you could share this fundraiser I would really appreciate it.

Thank you,

Oisín