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Emergency Intervention for Allison

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I am very sick.  It has been a growing problem for quite a while now.  If you know me well, you probably realize that it may have started as a genetic susceptibility factor.  It could have started as a gene from my parents, and considering what many of you may already know about my family, this is not a big shocker.  The key here is, it is no longer sustainable for things to continue as they are.

I am on a vicious cycle that is killing me.  I can’t sleep.  I can’t eat.  Living in Alaska with the light extremes tears me apart when I am weak.  Add to that the flashes of trauma that I have been trying to outrun since I was a kid….and the new traumas added on top.  I have progressively lost weight over the last 5 years, leaving me at about 110 pounds (down from 155 at ideal weight).  I have had several diagnoses…of course often conflicting.  Can you really call a trauma victim Bi-polar?

Last year….I was pregnant.  This year….post-partum.  Years prior?  Well….I think heartbroken.  Then I spread the heartbreak….like a disease.  All of these years since my divorce have mounted bigger and bigger challenges, often tied to choices.  I have made terrible choices….sometimes for good?  I sure hope so.

I have struggled to stay employed since I lost my job at AEDC.  It seems I have done a little bit of everything since just to stay alive.  This pressure to survive has driven some of these “choices”.  Now I feel that I am at a dead end of sorts.  I am not sure if I could even keep a decent job right now if I got one…sadly.

Because of my mental, physical and emotional health, movement is at a standstill.  I have already been to “the hospital” and will now have a rather large bill looming ahead as I am also not insured and Medicaid is disputing because I technically have no home address to legally give them.  I live at the mercy of others.  I feel I have completely exhausted the resources of western medicine on this issue.  

My mother let me put this giant greenhouse at her place…assisted by free wood on the property, and my baby’s father before he left us.  It really is the shiny new hope for me.  There is only one problem…I am so far gone I can barely function.  I need to get some help before the planting season starts and I am still too sick to do anything about it.

I know this sounds like doom and gloom…but I am actually in possession of an idea. ..

For years I have sought to speak to a woman in regard to a professional long-term goal of mine.  A one Vandana Shiva. It just so happens that this same person runs a Biodiversity Farm/Seedbank, Navdanya (www.navdanya.org), in Dehradun, India that takes in widows and trauma victims and teaches them horticulture/permaculture/forest-farming skills.  At first it sounds kind of crazy, but upon contacting the people at Navdanya and voicing my needs for healing, I am reassured that there experience with such matters is just what is needed to help me reestablish my lifestyle in a healthy way.  I may also look into spending a short time in an Ayruvedic hospital to treat my more extreme symptoms upon arrival in Dehradun prior to joining them at Navdanya, but that will likely cost more and will be contingent upon my ability to raise the funds for this trip.

This is not a single-faceted problem.  As much as I would like to blame any one factor for my failures, I am afraid it is not that simple.  I have lost control of all the management strategies I have used as Band-Aids to mask this horror film playing in my psyche.  I need to change my perspective and attitude if I am ever to be who I used to be, or even better, someone even smarter and stronger, and more humble and respectful.  I need to let my anger go…and right now….I sob as I draft this….because I don’t know how.  I hurt so bad….and I feel like I am the one left holding the whole bag.

I created this GoFundMe because I am begging those that care about me for help.  I feel that the best way to just let it out and let it go is to do it this way and choose carefully who I share this with to avoid further humiliation. 

This is not a resort trip.  I will be expected to work….either in the fields, the kitchen or the classroom.  I know I can reboot my life and contribute here.  I will also have to learn to cope with spiders…but that is a different conversation.

I may have someone willing to donate miles to the ticket I would need…but they are quite reluctant because, in some ways, I think they are afraid of what person will return.  I can understand that if he fears even wanting to know me when I return, why would he want to help me do this in the first place?

The total costs are as follows….

Plane Ticket  $1000 - $1300 Round Trip

Board  $750  (15 per day x 45 days, meals included)  

Passport Update $170

Emergency funds $200

Hospital stay?  Up to $2,250

 I know some of you are freaking out and saying “hey, what about your baby?!?!”  I assure you, if I don’t do this….for him as much as me…..I may lose custody of him completely.  I recognize that I am in need of help….now.  This was why his father left.  I have the family support necessary with my mother, my older children, and some other close family friends that I can take this time safely without harming Aeres’s life or environment.

I feel like I have so much more to say…but less is more.  I realize this that I seek to do is going to be very challenging in it’s own right.  I am scared.  But, I am much more scared of what will happen if I do not go.  This is about taking responsibility for the kind of person that I am inside.  I don’t want to be angry.  I don’t want to be abusive.  I don’t want the people that I love to leave me systematically as they turn to call me a narcissist.  This is about stopping all this negativity at it’s source.

Please and thank you for your consideration.  I have many people that I love….I can only hope that they love me enough back to help me.  If 20 people did a little bit of something….it wouldn’t be undoable.  I would like to offer pieces of my art as a thank you to all who help.  I really want to know how appreciated it is….even the quiet shares to people you know care.

My kids deserve a decent mother and I want to be that for them.  Thank you.

Organizer

Allison Van Eck
Organizer
Big Lake, AK

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