Empower Kalina's Journey for Gender-Affirming Surgery!
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Hey folks! My name is Kalina Crafton and I am a transwoman raising money for gender affirming surgery! It has taken me a long time to reach this point where I can love and accept myself for who I am, and to admit to myself what avenues of care will help me to feel fully in alignment with who I am deep down.
My story is one that has taken many years to unfold, with much of it spent running away from who I really am. Due to my upbringing in a Southern, conservative Christian environment, the weight of internalized homophobia and transphobia has laid heavy on me for the majority of my life. I spent so much time and so much energy trying to keep these parts of myself repressed- just hoping that all these feelings would go away. At times I even said to myself things like, "I just have to make it another 60+ years and then after I die I don't have to worry about this anymore".
But that only shut me off to myself completely, and I lived for many years feeling disconnected from life. I felt as though I wasn't actually living my life, but rather watching things unfold as if it were all a movie. Life itself is a beautiful culmination of moments that we are blessed to experience through our senses and our physical bodies. For those of us who feel a disconnect between our physical bodies and how we feel on the inside, such as those who are trans and/or gender-expansive, it can be a distressing feeling that something is off, despite our best efforts to be present and fulfilled.
In the midst of all the self-directed fear and internalized phobias, I have maintained such a strong calling to support others in living a fulfilling and purposeful life that feels authentic to them. Ironic though, considering how I kept myself from that very intention. I have worked in the mental/behavioral health realm, predominantly from the framework of a holistic, heart-centered, compassionate, and strengths-focused approach. I aim to see people for the brightness that is within them, and hold space for them to see the brightness within themselves. I believe that everyone deserves to feel the expansiveness of LOVE in its fullest expression- which first comes from within. If we do not know what it means to love ourselves, how are we able to fully love the life that is around us?
For years, I have been on a path of personal healing for many aspects of my life. In holding healing space for others, the work has also helped me to heal- as this is part of my purpose in this life. In order to take the work I do further, I decided to pursue my Master of Social Work degree at the University of Michigan, from which I graduated in Winter 2023. Only days prior to the first day of classes, one of my deepest truths came forward once again in a profound way: "I am transgender, and I would feel more connected to myself if I had a vagina".
My truth had come up frequently before, but what was different was my subsequent response. Instead of trying to bury it again, I responded with, "how much longer am I going to continue to run? I can't keep doing this to myself". A lot of personal work and healing needed to happen first before I could even have the fortitude to be in that moment, staying grounded in and accepting of my truth.
Over the next 16 months of the program, I navigated numerous personal and educational challenges all while transitioning medically and socially. I am grateful that the university and other organizations had a variety of resources that made accessing care possible and in a timely manner. I had so much support including that of my partner, friends, family, the community, student body, faculty, and coworkers at the time. It was such a blessing being held in those ways.
I completed my internship at the Comprehensive Gender Services Program at Michigan Medicine, where I helped provide mental health support to transgender/gender-expansive individuals, and conducted one-time assessments for those seeking to obtain letters of support that would allow access to surgical care. Prior to this, my own internalized transphobia still held a wariness and judgment towards gender affirming surgery. But this wariness and judgment was really just a mask that grew out of self-preservation to cover up my feelings of fear regarding my own truth.
It was in hearing and witnessing the stories, emotions, thoughts, and feelings from these individuals seeking care that the layers of self-protective skepticism began to melt. I began to see clearly how pivotal and life changing this care could be. And it helped me to see beyond my own layers of self-directed judgment, allowing me to see clearly what would help me to feel whole for the first time.
Every once in a while I would sense a quiet whisper from within, that pointed out the disconnect between my internal sense of Self and my physical body- particularly my genitals. It was quiet enough to where I could push it out of my awareness, or cover it up with some form of distraction. But all the while, there was- and currently still is- a subtle baseline of discomfort and internal distress. One gender-expansive client I worked with described their genital dysphoria in a way that really stuck with me: “It’s like wearing a pair of shoes that are too tight and when you really start to bring awareness to your feet you realize just how uncomfortable they’ve been the whole time”.
I’ve often distracted myself- consciously and unconsciously- with excessive mental activity. It’s quite common that there’s some sort of background noise that’s just floating in my mind that correlates with some level of body tension that is persistently held. It often feels that my mind is trying to stay full so as to keep my attention away from the discomfort of my body and the dysphoria I experience. The times where these feelings and sensations have fallen away have been extremely profound and insightful.
Meditative practices have become a solid foundation of self-understanding and self-love for me. Some of these times have included slowing down and truly tuning in with layers of who I am that go beyond my physical body. There have been times where my body has spontaneously given me information for what it needs to be whole.
One meditation in particular that gave me powerful insight to what I needed was a time where I was on the edge of sleep and wakefulness, and spontaneously perceived myself with a vagina. In what may have been the first time in my life, my body felt completely relaxed, calm, open, and at peace. A moment later I remembered that I have a penis, and in a flash my body tightened up, closed off, and held a subtle buzzing of anxiety. Numerous times since then, when I slow down and sense my essence of Self that lies beneath the physical body, I feel who I am in an energetic sense. It is in these moments that I can actually feel myself having a vagina. When that happens, I feel a tremendous difference- and my body feels safe and comfortable to be in. It is in tuning into the true version of who I am that my body comes alive and I can feel myself fully.
Other times I have directly asked my body, “show me what I would feel like if I had a vagina”- again: Calm, peaceful, relaxed, open, and a sensation that I had never felt before. The sensation of being at home in my own skin. The sensation of being ME. The fullest, realest version of me that I’ve never felt outside of those meditative spaces. It has taken a long time for me to listen to and honor the needs of my body, especially after so many years of running from the messages and cues it has lovingly offered to me.
A major aspect of my personal healing journey- which includes but is not exclusive of my gender journey- has been my spiritual path. I follow a shamanic path, and a belief in my practice is that we are all connected through what is known as the Web of Life. What affects one of us affects all of us, including the uplifting of our own vibrations through our avenues of healing. Through listening to the signs and messages that have come from Source/Spirit/God/The Universe, I have repeatedly received insights as to what my healing journey entails- and a big message that I continue to get is that this surgery is necessary. I truly feel that in healing this aspect of myself that relates to gender affirming surgery, it in turn helps heal the whole of our global community. Time and time again I see and feel confirmation that my gender identity is intertwined with my spiritual identity, and is something I “signed up to do” as part of my journey as a piece of The Universe experiencing itself.
It is difficult to live in a state of persistent disconnect, especially when it’s due to no fault of our own. I’ve come to accept that there’s only so much I can do to feel present and alive in my own body when the difference between my internal, energetic Self does not match with my physical self. I’m ready to feel fully present and engaged with my life, and I have come to accept what is needed for that to be a reality.
I am reaching out to ask for help with making this life-changing care accessible sooner rather than later. I have lived enough of my life not here, and I’m ready to take the steps to change that. I do not wish to frame things in the lens of “woe is me”- because I want to be seen through a lens of strength, courage, and LOVE, not pity. And I also acknowledge that due to various life circumstances while in the midst of challenging economic times, I need help covering the cost of surgery and related care.
At this point in my life, I am very much on a paycheck-to-paycheck routine. Working in the helping profession of social work/mental health is not the most lucrative (certainly not right out of graduate school). The various roles that I have held have been extremely fulfilling, but have not catered to building up savings. Even when it comes to the shamanic work/healing that I hold for others, I ask for donations as opposed to a set fee. I believe that the chance to heal our wounds and live a full and vibrant life should not be determined by how much money we have in our bank accounts.
In the spirit of reciprocity, I am asking for support from the larger community to help me access this care that will be truly, absolutely, and positively life-changing. Donations to the cost of surgery, as well as various bills that will be harder to pay due the 2+ months I'll have to take off work for recovery, will be monumental in accessing a full and complete life.
In all this, I want to share my personal story with the hope that it might encourage and inspire others to follow their own internal compass and to honor their needs and wants to be their authentic self. My story goes well beyond what I have included here in this post, and there is much that I would like to share. To read the full story, please check out my blog at www.shamanicallytransformed.com. Thank you and much love to you!
Organizer
Kalina Crafton
Organizer
Ann Arbor, MI