Endometriosis Excision Surgery

Before I get into the details, I kindly ask to please keep your opinions + fears regarding what I am about to share to yourself. I feel wholeheartedly confident in this decision I have made for myself. If you wish to comment, please think about whether your share or comment is coming from a place of love + support.

After extensive deliberation & processing, it is with pure joy + a deep sense of relief that I get to announce I will be having a total Hysterectomy, as well as excision of the Endometriosis in my pelvic + abdominal cavity on September 18th of this year. About 10 years in the making.

Many of you know, I had just about reached my breaking point when I decided to go in for a surgery consult with an Endometriosis specialist. What we learned wasn’t surprising, but the state of my pelvis was worse than I expected. I got officially diagnosed with Endometriosis of my pelvic cavity, colon, & appendix. My ovaries are completely covered in cysts. And to top it all off, I also have Adenomyosis - which is essentially Endometriosis of the myometrium (muscle wall) of my uterus & has been the main source of my pain for the last several years. Unfortunately, the tissue cannot be removed from the muscle by way of general excision surgery.

I’ve been in severe pain, to say the least. My periods are debilitating. I experience severe chronic pain because, as I’ve recently learned, my uterus has been swelling over time thus beginning to push on my spine, pelvic floor muscles, + the surrounding nerves. I experience sharp, shooting pain up my spine that quite literally feels like electricity running all the way up to my head + all the way down my legs. From time to time, I’m physically unable to walk. I often have such horrendous cramps several times each month that cause me to collapse. I get intense hot flashes, moments of nausea and/or vomiting, dizziness, extreme fatigue, and general + constant feeling of dis-ease. I’ve essentially been experiencing pre-term menopause symptoms for the last 9 years. I rarely feel well and quite frankly, I can’t remember the last time I did.

While all of this explains the very physical symptoms I’ve been experiencing, words truly cannot describe the deep physical, mental/emotional, psychological, and spiritual pain I’ve experienced for the last 9 years.

I don’t know who I am without this pain. My whole identity has been curated as a result of years of being ill & seeing dozens of doctors. I’m writing this in tears right now thinking about how I’ve never been a kid. I’ve never experienced what it’s like to stay out late with friends without worrying if I’m going to feel like collapsing the next day. I’ve never experienced what it’s like to travel, hike, move my body, or do the things I love without feeling so terrified that I’m going to be in excruciating pain. And all as a result of simply pursuing joy. I move through life with fear because my nervous system has been so shaken up from the constant cycle of pain that is present in my tissues. From the moments curled up in a ball on my bathroom floor to the countless special moments I’ve missed and continue to miss with friends & family. I’m not living my life.

Our bodies are wise. We absorb what we see + experience in our external environments. In turn, our genes are directly impacted. Changes in our environment make some turn on and others turn off and what isn’t healed in past lineages/in our ancestor’s bodies, manifests in ours. We inherit it all. The way in which we develop in the womb + enter into this world directly impacts our ability to develop into healthy, happy, functioning humans.

The point is - There is so much energy stored in our bodies. And it’s up to us to do the work to heal these parts of ourselves + those parts that were passed down.

For me, this is about me finally breaking a cycle of generational trauma. Not to say that's impossible to do so without surgery, because it absolutely is possible. And quite frankly, this surgery is not the means to an end of this cycle of trauma. This is going to be an entirely new healing journey and I will still have ancestral wounds to heal. That being said, I believe after years of trying just about every thing in the book, this is my way through finally. Relieving myself of this pain will finally allow me to fully step into this ancestral healing journey. I won't be held back by pain, exhaustion, and burnout. This is what feels right to me.

All I care about right now is feeling well. I’m unconcerned with what it looks like getting there. I want to experience what it feels like to really, truly thrive in my body.

As one of my teachers, Kylie Sutton, often says, “Committed to the vision, unattached to what it looks like”. Something I’ve been repeating in my head day in and day out for weeks now. I am… Unattached to the process of building the life I envision for myself. Unattached to how I heal. Committed to health. Committed to pursuing joy. Committed to seeking safety and nourishment within myself.

Over the years, I’ve genuinely gone down more healing routes than I can even count at this point. Between western medicine, pelvic floor physical therapy, chronic pain physical therapy, neurofeedback, hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, acupuncture, massage, ozone treatments, psychedelic integration, supplements, medication, energy work, craniosacral, movement of all kinds, nutritional changes/restrictions, etc. I could keep going. It’s not working. I’m much more well in countless ways, yet still experience pain daily.

Truthfully, I’m just done. I’m done spending hundreds of thousands of dollars, out of pocket mind you, on practitioners, therapies, supplements, and food. I’m done restricting myself. I’m done feeling fragile.

I want to travel. I want to eat food and not feel afraid of it. I want to feel connected to my body. I want to wake up without a deep pain in my pelvis. I want to move for my own joy, not as a treatment or out of fear of what will happen to my body if I don’t. I want to know that I won’t wake up one day and be unable to walk again. I want to be free.

Where I’m at now, I see darkness. I see & feel a black smoke in my body. On the other side of this surgery, I see myself fully embodying my light. I see smiles, laughter, + a person I’ve never met, but would very much like to get to know. I see the joy in pursuing this deep healing I so wish to experience. I see expansion beyond my wildest dreams.

Now, this is by NO means an end for me. I have a recovery road ahead of me, but one that I’m deeply excited for. One full of thinking up my biggest dreams + filling my world with so much joy & love. With only the highest vibrations. This is a beautiful, new beginning. For me, this is a light at the end of a very long tunnel. It is joy in its purest form. It is trust in myself + my body. It is the moment I’ve been waiting for. The moment where I am finally the one making the decision about my health and what’s best for me. No persuasion, no guilt tripping, no denial of my experience, no opinions. None of it. It is me, my intuition, + the deep trust I have in knowing what’s best for my body.

I'm taking my power back.

For so long, I’ve been the one that has come to my doctors and told them what I think is going on with me and what we need to do and after so much pushback, I was always right in the end. I’m no longer interested in going through the run around, waiting to be right - when I’ve known from the beginning.

This is my time to listen. To stand in my power. To stand in my truth.

I must add - Amidst all of this + over the many years, I have felt more gratitude than I could’ve ever imagined. Gratitude for the beauty in the little moments. For the home I have found in relationship with so many absolutely incredible human beings. For all that I’ve learned. For the person I have become because of the commitment + dedication to myself. For the love I have towards my body. Thank you all so much for your love + support up until this point, in the present, as I embark on this next journey of mine, + going forward. I love you all.

Now for the logistics - I have created a GoFundMe because I have to pay for my surgery out of pocket. Unfortunately, with the nature of my surgery and the state of our medical/insurance systems in the United States, billing insurance is not an option. I will also be needing to take an entire month off of work. I am not allowed to disclose the exact amount I will be paying for this procedure, so I have put a goal of $20,000 down. Know that this is not how much I will be paying, but rather a general goal.

If you can share this with your friends + family and/or contribute any amount yourself, it would be so deeply appreciated. Any amount helps me!

~Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu

May All Beings Everywhere Be Happy and Free~