Brian Kudler: Honoring a Life Well Lived

Suppose we stopped compartmentalizing death, cutting it off from life. Imagine if we regarded dying as a final stage of growth that held an unprecedented opportunity for transformation. Could we turn toward death like a master teacher and ask, “How, then, shall I live?” — Frank Ostaseski

Brian Kudler - Honoring a Life Well Lived, yet unfortunately cut way too short. 

The world will miss what Brian was trying to accomplish. Fund how this life ends, as you consider your own life, and help cover the costs for Brian’s Living Wake!


For those who have forgotten how we got here, Brian was diagnosed with Familial Adenomatous Polyposis (FAP), which is an inherited disorder characterized by cancer of the large intestine and rectum in March 2007.  By May 2007, Brian received another life-changing diagnosis, a rare condition called Gardner syndrome (autosomal dominant form of polyposis characterized by the presence of multiple polyps in the colon together with tumors outside the colon).  In three short years (2010), Brian had 90% (7ft in total) of his colon removed. Brian, like many of us, was hopeful that surgery would resolve things and that his life would continue post-surgery cancer-free. Unfortunately, this hope was fleeting. Following physicians’ recommendations, Brian underwent chemotherapy five times.  This decision was one that Brian weighed carefully as he was, and still is, an advocate of a healthy diet, meditation, and the benefits of supplements, free of toxic chemicals. Determined to fully live his life even while undergoing chemotherapy, he began attending John Jay College in Manhattan studying Forensic Psychology. Brian graduated in 2015, but from a different university and a different degree, yet another thing his disease robbed him of. Brian had a vibrant life, owning a bakery and serving healthy treats to his community.  It was then that Brian began his digital journey, post-surgery, and living on borrowed time. You can read Brian’s journal here: https://myfapstory.wordpress.com.


As life progressed so did Brian’s disease process.  He cooked for others, sharing his gifts, when energy allowed.  He developed a business called The Cancer Support Project https://thecancersupportproject.com in the hopes of supporting others while also generating an income to care for himself. Once again, the disease progression stifled his hopes. The progression of FAP has resulted in significant digestive complications, bladder complications, and chronic pain.  In 2017, Brian’s colorectal cancer returned, and this time there were two tumors of unknown stage growing into the wall. Progression led Brian to begin his book, a memoir and support guide for others navigating disease progression, and a life with debilitating pain and fatigue. As a steadfast advocate of keeping it real and supporting healthy diet recipes and tips during cancer, he hopes to complete his book before death arrives. Today, he lives each day with a significant level of unpredictability.  He is unsure if fatigue will render him horizontal for the day; unsure if he will have to enter a bathtub in order to urinate; unsure if his bowels will give way without warning, and completely unsure about whether he has enough money to live until death or if he has secured his purpose in the world. The one predictable thing he navigates is pain. Continual discomfort plagues Brian whether he is awake or asleep. While this is no way to live, it is Brian’s way each and every day.  


Adding to the physical uncertainties are the financial stressors. Healthcare does not cover supplements, meditation does not pay the electric bill and it is impossible to eat food that is not pureed.  He was not expected to live this long, yet here he is- alive. Sorta. As Brian continues his journey, he needs your help. He needs you to step up and contribute to his life so that he may complete his memoir for all of us to learn that his journey has value, purpose, and honor.  His light remains as his life continues to decline. He continues to love despite rarely leaving his home and he continues loving his pups (Max and Frankie) despite the cost of their upkeep. He continues to cherish friends and family members, embrace their love and his love for them as one day soon there will be none for this 48-year-old. Brian needs assistance with end of life costs (cremation and distribution of ashes) and his wish of a living wake to celebrate his life. ANY amount is appreciated; ANY contact with Brian is welcome! Help us help Brian die while he is alive.

Below are a few excerpts from Brian’s blog cute_gay_terminal: Living with Intrabdominal desmoid and terminal colon cancer).

“I was going to write that I feel like the old me, but then I realized that is not who I am anymore. I am not only physically different but also emotionally different.”

Brian’s book idea: How to live your life while recovering and undergoing treatment for colon cancer: A man’s crazy decision to extend himself in an effort to feel alive and immortal. That’s what a terminal illness robs from you.

"It makes me look at the Big picture more, like duh, are you going to get pissed off because they screwed up your sandwich, when you have bigger things going on in your life?”

“I remember reading almost 10 years ago a book talking about sweating the small stuff. I understood the premise, attempted to employ some of its ideas and concepts, but I think the changes in my life that have occurred over the last 6 months definitely drive that message home, at the end of the day, and at the end of your life what do you want to remember? What do you want the moments you have to be filled with? What is it that warms your heart, fills your soul, makes you feel alive and free, you know the way we think “happy” people should be living? I can answer that question so many different ways: This weekend, for example, it was being in the city over the weekend, snow still on the ground being melted by the sun, spending the entire weekend  with all those I love, respect, and will miss when this life is over, and hoping that in some way my life, my journey’s stories and/or ideas help someone out there in the world, whether it be putting a simple smile on someone’s face, making someone laugh, or just by being able to hold “some space” for or with someone.”

“It’s mind-blowing that I was only 36 when I found out.  Up until recently, I would beat myself up over the fact I wasn’t financially sound when I got sick, that I had been so irresponsible with my decisions and choices. Hell, I’m leaving the world the same way I came into the world: on the fucking system. I spent my entire life trying not to live life the way my mother did and in my eyes, that is exactly what I did. FUCK man, why did I not see this earlier in life?”

“The difficult experiences capture our attention, they consume our awareness, they change our perspective, and they often force us to see ourselves differently, to live our lives differently. They bring us face to face with our fears. They give us exactly what we do not want. The difficulties in our lives can wake us up…if we let them”

“My life is hard, and provided I still have pleasures in my life, I can handle what is down the road.”

Read more about Brian's journey here: https://myfapstory.wordpress.com.

Thank you.