Need Help for austins funeral

I took my son Austin to the hospital for a swollen knee and we thought it would be maybe a torn ligament or something like that.. We were so wrong. After a Xray , ultrasound and last an MRI we were told the radiologist saw cancer, specifically Sarcoma. I wish I could educate you guys on Sarcoma but I can't. I'm too terrified to even look it up. The Dr that told us didn't call me alone in a room to tell me so I could decide the best time to tell my son..oh no. This dr thought it best to wake my son from a sound sleep and tell him while he was still confused from being woke up. . So now not only do I have to deal with my own emotions and those of my husbands, but I also have to deal with a 17 year olds. I'm able to handle it. My son on the other hand is not. "I'm so depressed mom" is what I hear from him. They sent us home from memorial regional hospital because they want us to see a dr at Medical College of Virginia. (MCV) We have an appointment Monday to see an orthopedic dr. My poor son is sitting at home assuming the cancer is spreading every day that we wait. Looking at the doctors website made me feel a lot better!!Not!! They are now excited to offer new treatments that allow the patient to keep most of the affected limb. So instead of removing his whole leg.. They could possibly remove part of it. ( I had no clue any of it would need to be removed!) they can also put metal rods in place of the bone( they remove bone that is infected so that it does not spread). So while I'm waiting for this appointment on Monday the things running through my mind are scaring the hell out of me!! The day we found out about the cancer had to be one of the worst days of my life. It's not the worst because I had a beautiful baby boy that only lived a week. So the day he died holds that spot. Few other things come close though. I have never heard Austin cry as a teen. And to hear him crying and saying why?? WHY?? WHYY??? And knowing the only thing I could do is hug him and love him.. For the first time in his life I couldn't say to him "it will be ok" because I would be lying if I did. I have no clue what will happen. I can't reassure him. And as I'm sure plenty of other moms out there know, that's the hardest part of being a mom. I try to stay positive and I constantly tell myself that they are wrong. But there are times throughout the day that my mind wanders to that dark place. We have all seen the movies where the kids with cancer say they are ready to go. Ready to be pain free. But I know my son. He is an extension of me. We share the same birthday and the same wonderful libra way of thinking. ( not always wonderful to others lol) and I have always thought the same thing when I watch those movies.. That if that was me I'd be fighting and kicking the whole way down. And it could be hereditary. To this day I remember going to see my mimaw(gma) when she was in the hospital right before she passed and I was alone with her in the room. She had a tube in her mouth going to her lungs so she didn't have to breathe on her own. The only bad thing with that is that it makes u unable to speak. I remember feeling so sad seeing her looking so frail in that big bed. She looked to be all bones. Not the soft, full of life lady I had known my whole life. This person was almost a stranger to me. She looked like the people I had taken care of in a nursing home. So like them I expected to see dull lifeless eyes. But when she opened her eyes and looked at me I knew her again. I knew that person in there. Not the body on the bed, but the eyes where all her. So I went up and hugged her as best I could and I couldn't look away from her eyes. I had taken a psychology class in college and they talked about people feeling ok about dying if they felt they had lived a full life, so I thought maybe this is it for my mimaw. Maybe she has lived her life and she's ready for whatever comes next. So I leaned down and said to her. I said mimaw I love u soo much. We all do. You mean everything to so many people, but if u are ready to go, if you are tired of fighting and tired of the pain than we will be ok. If you are ready to let go then u go ahead and let go. We will be ok. Don't keep fighting for us. We don't want you to be in pain anymore. And I stood back a little to see what she was saying with her eyes. But I couldn't read them. She just looked like she was thinking pretty hard so I leaned in and asked"are you ready to let go?" And this time when I looked in her eyes I knew the answer. And just in case I was feeling slow that day she wanted to make it completely clear to me. She began furiously shaking her head. Mouthing the words no! No! Over and over. So I left there that day feeling happy and sad. Happy because my mimaw wasn't giving up this fight. Not today, not ever. But on the other hand sad because her body was a completely different thing. Her body had already given up the fight. I could see that and I'm pretty sure my head strong mimaw could see it as well. She did pass about a week or so later. But I'll never ever forget her mouthing No!! To me. So the thought that I may be having a similar conversation with my 17 year old son is enough to make me cry every time. I envision him saying mom I'm scared I don't wanna go and him begging me to help him to make it go away. And how can I reassure anyone about death when I myself am terrified,, terrified of it. I avoid any talk or thought of it. To me there is no better place for my son than with me. Here. I feel nauseas when I hear people telling people that lost someone that they are on a better place.. And after that long winded account of my life from the last few days I'm not sure if I'm writing this to get it off my chest or to ask for help. All I know is that while I'm certainly not the only one to have a child with this horrible illness I sure do feel like I'm all alone. I have a husband who loves me and the kids. I have 3 beautiful daughters and 3 handsome sons and 1 angel baby, I have 3 perfect grandbabies ,one of whom lives with me. I have a awesome job that I love, maybe a little too much!!lol I would gladly work 7 days a week but I have been taking 1 day a week off ( my boss/sister is making me) yes I work for my sister and maybe some people would take advantage of that and work less but if anything it gives me more of a drive to do better. I remove head lice, my sister owns a head lice removal company. The Nit Fairies( clever name right). We ( me and all the technicians) are considered self employed or kind of like sub contractors. We get paid from her but we pay our own taxes( I'm sorry for the long description but I promise there's a reason and it's coming) which means we don't have insurance through work. So here is the part I need help with.. Austin doesn't have insurance. And we make too much money to qualify for assistance. We have a big family so food alone takes a huge chunk out of my pay check. Not to mention electricity, gas, rent, etc. I'm sure you all know what I mean. So we don't have a huge savings account. In fact last I checked there was $100 that's been sitting there for the last 6 months. It's my new car fund. My Ford Explorer lost its life 3 weeks ago and even though I knew for the longest time that it was bound to happen sooner or later I was still soo sad to see my truck go . I've been using my husbands truck which leaves him without a vehicle. Thankfully we live right next door to his best friend that happens to work at the same place he does. It does make everyday life difficult. We were hoping to sign the 4 year old up for soccer this spring but since the car thing was kind of in limbo we decided not to. I go into work around lunchtime and work till about 10 or 11 pm everyday. Sometimes until 3 or 4 am. It all depends on how late my last call comes in. I'm only telling you guys about all this so u will know I'm not some free loader trying to make a buck. If we need something as a family then normally I would just work extra hours. This is way more than I can make in a few hours. And the way it's been going I honestly don't know how I could work any more hours. I've contacted a insurance salesman to get us all on insurance but unfortunately they won't pay for Austin because it's considered pre existing. I feel so dumb for not putting everyone on a few months ago when I made a list of to do things. That was at the top. But life got in the way and here I am. Hind sight is 20/20 right?? Ugh!! So here it goes. The part I've been avoiding. If you have a dollar to spare for my sons dr appointments I would be more than eternally greatful. I don't expect anyone to hand over some huge amount of money. Just basically if u have an extra dollar or 2 then we will humbly accept it. If no one gives a dime but lots of people pray for him then I will feel equally blessed. I know we will somehow make this all work. And if that means me working 7 days a week that's what I will do. And I will do it happily because I like being able to provide for my family. - any money received will be used for dr appointments, surgeries he may need, hospital bills for Austin pertaining to his Sarcoma. Travel to other states if that is recommended for his treatment( to see other Drs or to go to a hospital that specializes in the treatment of Sarcoma. We have already incurred a hospital and dr bill from the overnight stay. That bill alone is over a thousand dollars. We will be pulling that $100 out of the bank on Monday for his appointment with the ortho dr, because we were informed we have to pay a deposit if we don't have insurance. I'm just thankful we had that money set aside. And I will be updating each time something new comes up. Thank you for taking time to read all of this long winded explanation of what's going on. I apologize if it seems like a bunch of random thoughts. My mind isn't with me at the moment. It left for sunnier pastures haha. I wish u all a blessed day!!