My life's a mess!!

My name is Sophie, which if you've found your way here, you probably already know.

A few days ago, I shared how life was going for me on Instagram, as I've always used it as an outlet to share the highs and lows of being a photographer.

"My life still isn’t quite what I want it to be.

I’ve hardly picked up my camera this year, and I’ve even considered selling it. But I know the love for what I will do will come back at some point, and there’s no point in being hard on myself. I’ve been able to do a few beautiful projects though.

I’m still harboring anger and frustration. Why did it work out for other people and not me? Why am I the one thousands of pounds in debt for the sake of following a dream? Why do we pretend that a career in photography is easy? It’s not, and I gave up a lot of things to try and make it work.

But in reality - working as a freelancer was lonely, I struggled without a routine. Hearing time and time again ‘You’re great we love your work’ and then the next day being told ‘Sorry not this time, you’re not quite right’ starts to cut away at you.

I got a dog to fill the void - as I found it hard to make friends and needed some consistency. I ended up with a companion, but boy has it been hard. Owning a reactive dog isn’t easy. Somehow I ended up with a second too.

I ended up in a new job, I started a master's and then decided it didn’t quite feel right - here I was again, spending money I didn’t have on a dream that might not work out. Now there’s nothing wrong with taking risks, but I needed to dig myself out of the hole I was in.

At the moment I walk and I run to try and keep my head space busy, as I ignore the calls from debt companies for money I don’t have - money I spent trying to make things work.

I’ve always been transparent here, and the truth is sometimes life is a shit show and things don’t work out. And yes, I’ve got to do amazing things - but I also screwed up along the way too.

Money is such an ugly subject, but this is my reality right now - I can’t afford a holiday, I can only hope things get better - so I do what I can to keep my brain sane and work for hopefully a better future for both me and the boys. It’s a juggling act, but I’m surviving.

You’re welcome to stay here, if you want to - but if you’re here for the photography I can only apologise as there isn’t that much new to share." (@sophiemayanne).

When I started taking photos, I was ambitious, driven and it was something I loved doing - and I still miss that feeling of being on set - it's where I feel most at home.

But, sadly - life, has got in the way.

I chased a dream and ended up struggling to support myself, and I've now amassed a lot of debt (ah, that ugly scary word!). I'm so busy about worrying about how I'll get through to the end of the month, that photography has gone on the back burner. I kept chasing my photography dream, and creating the beautiful projects I felt were important to the world (Behind The Scars being one I am still incredibly proud of today.) - I carried on chasing my dream hoping the illusive jobs would come through, and I'd be OK, but sadly the opposite happened and they became less and less.

I'm not really sure if this is a good idea, but there's not much to lose, is there?

A bit of the ugly for those who want to know:

And here's to hoping things level off, and I find the fire, and my camera again!

A creative career, I was told a long time ago is a rollercoaster - and it certainly is, but I'm also incredibly grateful for the experiences I've been able to have.

The best place to find my work is Instagram - www.instagram.com/sophiemayanne (my websites are currently not live due to not being able to maintain the monthly cost currently.)

Anything raised will go towards me trying to get myself back on track :)