Grief, Loss, Mental Health & Medical Support

Hey Folks,

I don’t even know where to start or how to put my feelings and emotions into words that will do justice for what I am going through and dealing with right now. As many of you know in the last 6 months, I have experienced profound grief and loss over the passing of my mother on Christmas Day, my father who loved her more than life itself a week to the day later, and my literal other half, my best friend, confidant, partner in crime; my sister in April. Their losses have shattered my life in ways that I thought could not be humanly possible. I think of them daily, I see their faces, I remember the good, the hard, the bad, all of it like watching a movie day in and day out. I wait every minute of every day for the bottom to drop out from under me. I am beyond exhausted. I have not had more than 1.5 weeks to grieve with no obligation pushing me to move forward. I had to become the executor of my parents’ estate unexpectedly as the person who originally was designated recused himself. I was left not only grieving the loss of my parents but now through trial by fire learning rapidly how to settle their estate when they lived in New Mexico, and I live in PA. The paperwork, the logistics, the hundreds of phone calls, emails, and following through on all the little details from small bills to their taxes. With each person telling me they are sorry for my loss which is all with good intention of course but followed by the question if I can send their death certificates that I have to look at multiple times reminding me each time of sitting in the funeral home planning their cremations. It’s all on me to do and I am doing my best, but I am drowning in all of this combined with my grief.

 

While navigating all this I was recently contacted by a hospital in New Mexico last month, that my younger brother Kevin was in the hospital in critical condition with a 50% chance of survival. This came not only as a shock but our relationship has not always been great so the flood of mixed emotions talking to the doctors was paralyzing. They asked me why he had a DNR at 38 years old. I had no idea and I had to provide background information for them and with that they overrode his DNR due to concerns he was not competent at the time of admission to make that decision. I had just navigated DNRs being put on and off the table with my parents in December and January and it was emotionally brutal even though we knew it was what they wanted and was the best decision. Kevin’s DNR was a shock and yet not given his situation of being homeless, struggling with mental health issues, addiction, and having just lost both of his parents as well. Being involved in this situation is triggering and difficult for me. My friends, therapist, and family have been very supportive in helping me navigate this because it is very very challenging. There is a very strong probability that he will not survive this and I will be facing yet another death in less than 7 months.

 

He has been in the ICU on and off a vent 4 times now and is being put on a trach and a feeding tube, he has an antibiotic resistant fungal blood infection that can be fatal, pneumonia, advanced fluid in his lungs, cardiac failure, a broken hip, and is set to be moved to a Specialty Hospital for Acute Respiratory Care. If he survives that he has to go to a long-term care facility at the age of 39. Although things with my brother have come with very mixed emotions and feelings at the end of the day, he is my brother, and I don’t want him to suffer. Managing all of this and his care with my aunt as his Surrogate Health Proxies; even the decision to take that role on, required a great deal of introspection, consultation with my family, therapist, psychiatrist, and friends has taken an even greater toll on my mental and physical health. The choice was not taken lightly and I am driven by the fact that no matter what he and I have been through I personally could not live with the fact that he would be in pain or have no quality of life if he had no one to advocate for him. I should note that I did attempt to get the hospital to find a legal POA but case management quoted a process of over 4 months to obtain one through the state during which time my family and I agreed he could languish in the hospital.

 

All of this has drastically affected my physical and mental health. I am in severe chronic pain from stress, I am having more occurrences of vasovagal syncope episodes where I faint without notice due to cardiac arrhythmia, flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, and overall debilitating anxiety. I have trouble doing my activities of daily living. I run my own business that requires me to give my all, walking many miles a day, using up a lot of my energy/spoons, and an inability to take time off to ensure that I can pay my rent/bills/ take care of my pets and very importantly now pay for increase in frequency of my therapy not covered by insurance that I have to do 2-3xs a week plus my psychiatrist to stay afloat and not plummet into a deep depression. I am also dealing with new issues medically with my hypoglycemia/reactive hypoglycemia, my Ehlers Danlos, cardiac issues, and now also need to see additional specialists.

 

This is my personal life and it is woven into a tapestry of personal/work trauma, family dysfunction, grief, a pandemic, violence in this country that as a social worker filled with empathy I cannot ignore, a world with hate, discrimination and such a lack of compassion and humanity. I am struggling daily to remain hopeful. I struggle with daily motivation of any kind, I have lost my joy, my spark, my humor, and I just feel hollow inside but I get flooded with emotion and it blows me out of the water pretty much daily.

 

I cannot go on like this anymore. I have supportive friends in my inner circle who have been amazing and are there with me every step of the way, my extended family, my therapist, psychiatrist, and my amazing clients who have been so understanding and flexible. I am asking for financial help to allow me some breathing room to take care of myself thru therapy and doctors’ support, to continue to provide a roof over my head for myself and my animals, to be able to rest, to grieve, to be without as much stress or pressure of will I make everything work out. Currently I am feeling pressure to make choices between my mental & physical health or working to pay my bills. If you know me you know how strongly I feel about self care and how I feel no one should have to choose between their health and work/bills. I spent a great deal of my savings providing for my mother in her last month especially when my father was suddenly hospitalized, and then to pay for their cremations and settling up their home in NM. I would do this again hands down no question. I have no regrets, but it has left me in a position with no buffer or way to take breaks and take care of myself in the ways that I should. I have nothing left in me to add more to my current caseload without sacrificing the quality of my work.

 

I know this won’t fix it, but I truly hope that it will give me some space to find myself again and to put myself first, to find my joy, to center myself, and to survive this. The funds raised will go towards my continued therapy, psychiatry, medical bills, part of my rent, basic needs, and care for my pets such as a dog walker to come in and give me respite to walk my 3 dogs when needed.

Thank you in advance and I am just so grateful for all of you and thank you so much for reading and your understanding. Below are just some of our family photos. My dad was a huge photographer. Over the last 8 years we have been spread out across the country and have not been able to see each other and didn't travel due to COVID-19 and my parents being very immunocompromised with my dad's COPD & asthma and my mother with congestive heart failure. Even looking to find recent photos was just too painful.

Much Love

Casey