Help Ari escape danger this winter

I'm in danger and need help.

I'll be homeless at the end of the month and I'm without income.

It's not just stress or depression. I'm in a seriously dangerous predicament right now. Please hear me out. I  want to explain what is happening to me and how I got here, penniless and at risk of endangering my life.

Right now, I get scared to go outside some days. I'm afraid to eat sometimes too. I can't hold a job because of anxiety attacks and trauma.  People stare at me every time I'm on the bus. Every single time, because they don't know how to handle the vocal tics from my Tourette's syndrome. This means I can't travel easily either. Not to mention active threats by violent people in my life prevent me from going to certain cities/towns.

How did I get here?

Last year, a few weeks after my birthday in July, I came out as a woman. I was inspired by my  partner at the time, who accepted me as I am, and my workplace, whose mission statement included equality for transgender people.

I lost multiple friends in a matter of weeks. They were pretty much all gone after a few months. I imagine they didn't like me wearing skirts and heels. During the winter, I stayed at an abusive home in Holyoke and worked by myself to sustain living expenses for two people. I made it out to Hadley by April, but not in one mentally stable piece.

Right before I left, I experienced harassment at the workplace in front of my boss. I was asked why I like to pretend to be a woman and dress up like one. He did nothing. Weeks after my move to Hadley, I experienced sexual assault at a peer respite while covering a shift, where someone staying decided to sensually kiss me up on my neck.

It happened in front of the same boss. He did nothing.

I complained for weeks about harassment and colorism and was painted over by a false narrative as a cooperative effort from the white leadership. They waited out the clock, waiting for me to not cover a shift for 3 months, and they officially fired me in July. In that time I made money through odd jobs and my partner picked up a job in May.

I raised money in July to get away from a domestic abuse situation. I raised enough, and I made a plan with two women who offered me a room in their house and said I could move in as early as I needed to due to my unsafe situation. A week later, when I asked to move in, they didn't respond. They eventually got back to me and said they didn't want a close friend to move in with them. What's worse is that I lent money to a friend who needed to escape their abusive situation and who said they would pay me back at the end of August. I'm now missing $684, which would have quickly gone to securing my safety.

At this point I'm broken.

I was really counting on these women, and this person to pay me back, having opened up to them about my situation and trusted these people at their word. Because they misled me, I was forced to use my money on the next best option and had to continue sharing a room at the next place. I've been getting gaslit for months and stuck with some scary altercations, like bailing out of a car on the highway from a violent man or fending off an alcoholic roommate from scratching me and throwing things at me. This was not a good time to be lied to about a housing opportunity.

Right now, I'm still living with abuse. My housemates are unfortunately complicit in this situation. I'm working hard to get on wait lists for DV shelters and get assistance with legal resources. I got a job at the beginning of the month but crumbled fast. Too much trauma. Too many panic attacks. Too worn down to keep fighting, especially because of my disability. I haven't had access to mental health resources in years as well.

I just want a safe place.

I want a place to be this winter where I can heal and pick up the pieces. I've spent my first year of transitioning getting to know my community, helping people find food, jobs, housing, and even friends. I've been gaslit by many, lost people I cared about, lost my job, and lost my only family. I have survivor's guilt, watching Puerto Ricans and trans women of color die all year. I'm also scared of the gossip and rumors that have begun to spread due to my activity in a Facebook group online.

I've been living everyday in terror now, and that's not good...more than I ever have, I could really use financial help. I admit I was too kind with my finances in the past year and helped more people than I could handle, but I couldn't have predicted the consistent onslaught of abuse and ostracization in my life.

I'm a survivor of abuse and assault, and now I'm a victim of the cycle. If I can escape this situation, I promise to do my utmost best to stay safe this winter and pick myself back up. I just want that chance, because it feels like that chance has been taken from me several times this year. I feel guilty about this campaign but have nowhere else to turn.

I have no chosen family. My local community is my family.

Thank you, so, so much,

Ari Rivera