Help Change my life with Gastric Sleeve Surgery
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My Name is Rick MaHarrey, Many of you know me, Some may not. There are very few who know the real story of my life. There are parts of it that I still struggle with today. I was a product of a broken home. I never really had relationship with my Biological Father. I have never told anyone this but today I am opening up my heart to you because I need help. I am in tears writing this to you, because I lived it.
The truth to my story is that, I have never felt good enough for anyone or anything. I wake up many days and feel like the world would be better off without me. These seeds of thought have plagued my life since I was a kid and I would watch my Father ride by my grandmother's house who raised me (He lived across the street), and look the other way and not even wave.
The first time it happened I was young, and I remember thinking "Why am I not good enough?" that thought has lived with me for over 40 years now. I was an Evangelist and a Pastor and I helped countless people, while I never have been able to seemingly help myself. Oh! on the outside, I was the life of the party, the fun one, the one who always knew what to say. But on the inside my silent tears have torn me apart for years.
However, a few years ago I stood at the podium and Preached my fathers funeral and the whole service i silently asked myself the question, "Why was I not Good Enough?!" How have I coped with this depression and inner turmoil? Drugs? No. Alcohol? No. FOOD has been my drug for years. I ate to bring release to the pain. It made me feel better. It numbed the hurt of feeling, well, Less than.
Through the years I have laughed with many of you only to go home and cry myself to sleep because I felt ugly and worthless. Throughout life MANY more things added to this feeling and question. Things I will just let stay silent.
I talked a big ballgame. but inside I lived what felt like a no hitter on the loosing side. I lied to people and said I was ok, happy, fulfilled. While in private I spiraled out of control to over 700lbs. In public I would say jokes like, "This is 700lbs of Sexy!" While 700lbs of worthlessness is how I seen myself in private. I was a ball of Fat, and ANGER. I hated the World. People would say, You gonna die being that big. I would think, "Probably better for everyone if I do" I hated most of life outside of my home and my family.
That is until recently. The Last few years. I realized that I am not the SUM of My fathers choices, nor am I the product of the things I have gone through. My Wife has shown me that by being the constant in my life who has loved me through the good, bad and the ugly. She has always looked at me at her Handsome man, who she would do anything for. I do have a reason to live. My Wife, My beautiful girls and My grandson and SO many people who have loved me in the midst of my hidden hurt.
I resigned Pastoring 9 months ago. 2018 started off with me in the Hospital for a week and sentenced to Bed rest for around 3 months. I came out of it and I am better. I have always tried to push through and make it on my own. at 565lbs I work 8-10 hours a day, Standing on my feet Cutting hair, and sometimes can barley get to the vehicle to go home my feet hurt so bad.
Some have asked, "Why don't you get on Disability?" I don't for a few reasons. 1) I was taught to work and provide for my family to the best of my ability. 2) I refuse to give up and give in. (I once would have). 3) I LOVE MY JOB.
I have Insurance through the Government Healthcare Market place. But they refuse to pay for Weight loss Surgery. I have tried everything. Low Carb, Medifast, Vegan, Weight loss pills. All of it. I Even have people blowing up my phone right now trying to sell me on their "New Miracle Weight loss Plan only $500 a month" ....
I have roller coasted between 700lbs and 499lbs. I am Currently at 565lbs. I HAVE to lose this wieght. I have 300+ pounds to lose. I am tired of losing and gaining, only to lose and gain again. I need help. I want to have a better quality of life and be around for many more years. the Gastric Sleeve Surgery is $30,000 locally here in Pensacola for self pay, Some have said it is substantially less in Mexico(That scares me but if it is the only option I will take it).
I need help. If you don't feel like it is a cause you want to help in, thats ok. But if you do, I would be forever grateful. More than you know. I am making this page at the encouragement of an old friend and a New friend...
One of my Friends words was this, after I told him It was embarrassing and I would not do it, and that I was going to try to save the money over the next few years to try to have it done.
He said "What if you don't have those years man, it's not about being embarrassed it's about living brother. How many people my size or your size do you see in their 60's practically zero"
Even as I write these words I feel like deleting them. But In all honesty, I am desperate enough to ask for help, knowing that I have tried and can't seem do it alone.
Rick MaHarrey
The truth to my story is that, I have never felt good enough for anyone or anything. I wake up many days and feel like the world would be better off without me. These seeds of thought have plagued my life since I was a kid and I would watch my Father ride by my grandmother's house who raised me (He lived across the street), and look the other way and not even wave.
The first time it happened I was young, and I remember thinking "Why am I not good enough?" that thought has lived with me for over 40 years now. I was an Evangelist and a Pastor and I helped countless people, while I never have been able to seemingly help myself. Oh! on the outside, I was the life of the party, the fun one, the one who always knew what to say. But on the inside my silent tears have torn me apart for years.
However, a few years ago I stood at the podium and Preached my fathers funeral and the whole service i silently asked myself the question, "Why was I not Good Enough?!" How have I coped with this depression and inner turmoil? Drugs? No. Alcohol? No. FOOD has been my drug for years. I ate to bring release to the pain. It made me feel better. It numbed the hurt of feeling, well, Less than.
Through the years I have laughed with many of you only to go home and cry myself to sleep because I felt ugly and worthless. Throughout life MANY more things added to this feeling and question. Things I will just let stay silent.
I talked a big ballgame. but inside I lived what felt like a no hitter on the loosing side. I lied to people and said I was ok, happy, fulfilled. While in private I spiraled out of control to over 700lbs. In public I would say jokes like, "This is 700lbs of Sexy!" While 700lbs of worthlessness is how I seen myself in private. I was a ball of Fat, and ANGER. I hated the World. People would say, You gonna die being that big. I would think, "Probably better for everyone if I do" I hated most of life outside of my home and my family.
That is until recently. The Last few years. I realized that I am not the SUM of My fathers choices, nor am I the product of the things I have gone through. My Wife has shown me that by being the constant in my life who has loved me through the good, bad and the ugly. She has always looked at me at her Handsome man, who she would do anything for. I do have a reason to live. My Wife, My beautiful girls and My grandson and SO many people who have loved me in the midst of my hidden hurt.
I resigned Pastoring 9 months ago. 2018 started off with me in the Hospital for a week and sentenced to Bed rest for around 3 months. I came out of it and I am better. I have always tried to push through and make it on my own. at 565lbs I work 8-10 hours a day, Standing on my feet Cutting hair, and sometimes can barley get to the vehicle to go home my feet hurt so bad.
Some have asked, "Why don't you get on Disability?" I don't for a few reasons. 1) I was taught to work and provide for my family to the best of my ability. 2) I refuse to give up and give in. (I once would have). 3) I LOVE MY JOB.
I have Insurance through the Government Healthcare Market place. But they refuse to pay for Weight loss Surgery. I have tried everything. Low Carb, Medifast, Vegan, Weight loss pills. All of it. I Even have people blowing up my phone right now trying to sell me on their "New Miracle Weight loss Plan only $500 a month" ....
I have roller coasted between 700lbs and 499lbs. I am Currently at 565lbs. I HAVE to lose this wieght. I have 300+ pounds to lose. I am tired of losing and gaining, only to lose and gain again. I need help. I want to have a better quality of life and be around for many more years. the Gastric Sleeve Surgery is $30,000 locally here in Pensacola for self pay, Some have said it is substantially less in Mexico(That scares me but if it is the only option I will take it).
I need help. If you don't feel like it is a cause you want to help in, thats ok. But if you do, I would be forever grateful. More than you know. I am making this page at the encouragement of an old friend and a New friend...
One of my Friends words was this, after I told him It was embarrassing and I would not do it, and that I was going to try to save the money over the next few years to try to have it done.
He said "What if you don't have those years man, it's not about being embarrassed it's about living brother. How many people my size or your size do you see in their 60's practically zero"
Even as I write these words I feel like deleting them. But In all honesty, I am desperate enough to ask for help, knowing that I have tried and can't seem do it alone.
Rick MaHarrey
Organizer
Rick MaHarrey
Organizer
Pensacola, FL