Help Disabled Survivor of SA and DV

 

 

I truly believe that life can be a beautiful gift but from a very young age, I was taught how short and cruel it can be.

From the age of 8 I have struggled with mental health. I was being abused physically and sexually. Age 8 was the first time I tried to kill myself. I was taken to a doctor and prescribed pills that made me feel like a zombie.

I muddled through childhood like that and eventually got off the medication. My next attempt was when I was 17 years old. The abuse hadn’t gotten much better and I was being groomed by older men, I was being bullied badly in school and didn’t feel like I had much to live for and my family had instilled in me that I would never live past 18. So when the “Charming” boy I met in church when I was 11 came back into my life, I thought that I was saved. I moved cross country to be with him only to be met with the reality, he was not Prince Charming. He had lied about making sure I had a school to go to - as I was not out of high school yet… He also had driven a wedge between my family and I, though admittedly it was not hard to do, he told me that the only way I could get the healthcare I desperately needed was to marry him. I was able to get multiple minimum wage jobs and worked two jobs trying to get by and was able to get my GED the next year, graduating within the top 5 % of the state. I wanted to go to college but I became pregnant in 2014 and fell down a flight of stairs, breaking my tailbone and getting very sick. The pregnancy was very difficult, which was only made worse by my former husband physically and emotionally abusing me, neglecting me, threatening to kill himself if I left him and telling me he was going to take away our son if I left him.

I may not be able to have any more kids so I am thankful for the time I was able to spend with my amazing son but after having him, I was not allowed to go back to work for almost 2 years. I begged my ex husband to get assistance and to go to counseling but the abuse only got worse - We usually did not have enough food for me to eat more than one meal a day, He kicked me in the chest, he sexually assaulted me after my wisdom tooth removal while I was on medication, he threw a tub of I can’t believe its not butter at my head, the day before Christmas in 2015 he took my sleeping pills after I told him I was leaving him. He was medically discharged from the military, causing me to stay longer as I did not have the means or support to be independent- but now with him out of the military and not able to keep me at home, I was able to get a job and to keep us from being homeless, I went to school and pulled out loans to pay for housing. I had hope that with him out of the military things would be better. Things didn’t get better though… he punched walls, would scream at me often and on October 25th, 2016 he strangled me to the point that I was unconscious. I didn’t feel safe to report that day but I saved money and I was able to leave about a month later, after another fight that ended with him slamming the door in our son's face. I knew we had to leave so I made a plan that night - I made a run for it on November 23rd 2016, back home to where my mom lived and thankfully Home Depot helped fund my escape and made it possible by increasing his work load to give me more time and keeping me leaving a secret. Though I was terrified because I knew leaving could be the most dangerous time in a domestic violence relationship and because of the threatening voicemails I received from my ex husband, In the first 48 hours of leaving our son learned around 40 new words, he was squealing with glee and smiling nonstop - solidifying my decision to leave as the best one I could have made despite having to drop out of school.

When I got to Oregon my first priority was to get a job and get housing. I had to use most of the money from my paycheck to get from Texas to Oregon. I was down to my last $40 dollars and was going to use it to buy diapers but when I got to the store to use it I noticed that my ex had stolen it out of the account. Thankfully my mom was able to help me find resources to get everything I needed. I got a restraining order that allowed for visitation for my ex husband.(which he barely utilized for the 3 years the restraining orders were in effect)It took me a few months to get healthcare and get into counseling. I thought I was doing okay but I was overworking myself - working two jobs and trying to go to school. I went into psychosis because of the amount of stress I was under and because of the unresolved trauma. The doctors were treating me for bipolar when I was not bipolar and my ptsd was not getting better.

I switched jobs to try to make things easier because I was not getting child support, but I still was working 60-80 hours a week. Unfortunately my mental health wasn’t getting better because I had gone back to the environment that made me sick initially and I was being triggered left and right. After the divorce I got engaged to a man who I thought was a good guy but after we lost a child (my 5th/6 miscarriages) he became a very different person, as did I. The minute he started becoming abusive, I got help and got out of the relationship. I had learned my lesson. I was not able to find an apartment to rent because despite me having to flee for my life and communicating that with the apartment complex, they were coming after me due to the damages left in the apartment from the abuse. I wasn’t able to go back to Texas to get that cleared as I was the sole provider for my son and did not have extra funds, I was saving to move to a healthier environment and I had called multiple times to try to get it fixed.

I moved cross country right before the pandemic to get away from the relationship with my ex fiance and moved into my dad’s to spend some time with him and his family, as he was not in my life prior to that. In that move I was able to stop in Texas and get those expenses removed. In Florida My mental health was much better than it had ever been even in a global pandemic. I took the opportunity to chase a dream I had always had - Music and sound engineering. I play 13 instruments and have been singing since I could talk. I was able to attend Full Circle Music and went to school for songwriting but knew I needed the production side in a hands-on way so I moved here to Phoenix.

The first time I was able to get my own place was in 2020. I had a roommate and the agreement was that we would split the rent but that never happened and I ended up paying the full rent for 10 months during that time his girlfriend moved in and was paying about $200/ $2000. I started going to the Conservatory of Recording Arts and Sciences in January 2021. The plan was to get a job and go to school. I was so excited to finally put out the music I had been writing that I kept going despite a teacher calling me stupid because I wasn’t understanding how he was explaining a concept, that I created my own method to make the process easier. Despite how hard I was working in school, I ended up dropping out a month and a half later after I went to another student's birthday party where I accepted too many drinks. All I had wanted to do was make friends and to be responsible so I stayed the night there and I woke up to being raped.

I fought myself on reporting for a while on reporting but I did report it. I got my rape kit done and was told to go to the doctor in two weeks for std screening. I immediately got into counseling because I knew I needed it. While getting the screening I let them know what was going on and they asked if I wanted the female GP or if I wanted to see the male gynecologist. I had been having fairly bad pelvic pain and was worried something was wrong so I went with the specialist. It was extremely traumatizing because during the exam he demanded to do a breast exam despite there being no reason for one. He dismissed my pain and sent me on my way and the tests off. I never got the results.

I sunk into an incredibly bad depression and didn’t get out of bed for anything but counseling and doctors visits for weeks. The pain never got better but I was determined to get better so I started getting back on tiktok and trying to find a job and then one day after being on tiktok live, I was laying in bed and I felt a Pop in my lower abdomen, a rush of fluids followed by the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life. I had to call 911 and tried everything I was able to do to try to get my roommates attention. I used my Eiffel Tower necklace holder to bang on the wall, leaving dents in the wall. I was desperately trying to get anyone to hear me… because I couldn’t scream. I was so scared. I thought I was going to die without ever seeing my son again.

The firefighters and ambulance got there, I saw the flashing lights and I waited till they knocked, then I used the last bit of strength I had left to get to the door to unlock it for them, then I collapsed. I let them know that I was Autistic as I had been newly diagnosed, and that I had POTS and Ehlers danlos. I let them know I couldn’t walk and that they needed to carry me down three flights of stairs. I felt awful but was in excruciating pain, made worse when they called me fat. My fears became reality when I started crashing in the ambulance. The hospital got me stabilized but they “ couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me”. They did not check my reproductive health despite knowing I had been raped a little over a month before. I was discharged without ever speaking to a doctor and had to return within a day.

It turned out that the test results that I never got back had indeed come back showing that I had chlamydia and Bacterial Vagininosis but the doctor's office never contacted me. That had caused issues where I developed ovarian cysts. I was given antibiotics for the stds, pain meds for the cyst and sent home. Though I was able to recover from the STD’s the rapist had given to me, My health took a big plunge after all of this. I was having extremely bad POTS attacks that have slowed down with treatment but haven’t fully stopped. I had to go to physical therapy and walked with a cane a lot of the time. I have had to get a shower chair because I couldn’t stand safely for long periods of time. My PTSD and depression were at an all time low…

All I wanted was to see my son. I tried to visit but was told I couldn’t visit. So I waited until it was my time with him again. After picking him up and seeing my ex husband my eating disorder went into full effect and I was doing everything I could to beat it. I would cry through almost every meal but I felt so much better when my baby was around but was still having very bad POTS attacks where my heart rate would shoot upwards of 170 and I wouldn’t be able to get it under control. I had struggled with this since high school undiagnosed but never this badly. I remember how scared my son was when I had to call the ambulance again to make sure I wasn’t having a heart attack as I was at higher risk for it with my eating disorder as bad as it was. But I knew it was better safe than sorry

During all this time I had to use all of my savings to stay afloat. I had been paying the rent by myself for 10 months and let my roommates know that I would not be able to pay the last two months. One roommate abandoned, the other one was not able to save the money it took to pay rent and we were evicted. At this point I was too disabled to work so I did file a disability claim but a year later, I am still fighting to get that approved.

For the last two year I have been trying to get my head above water but every time I feel like I’m making progress another wave comes to drag me down.

I moved in with a my ex girlfriend when I got evicted and though she did try to help me get on my feet things didn't work out between us because she forced sexual acts on me in a vulnerable time, after speaking on a domestic violence panel. I'm still very thankful for the help she gave me but I could not be with someone who didn't respect my boundaries. She helped me file for full custody of my son after realizing that he was probably Autistic as well and finding out that he was being punished for those traits. I had been struggling with his dad listening to me about health stuff despite our agreement saying that I had final say on religion, education and healthcare.

Things were going well, my physical health was getting better, I was in physical therapy, seeing two counselors, and attending a domestic violence support group. I was offered the opportunity to speak at a domestic violence panel and write for the blog. I was happy for the chance to make a change, so I absolutely said yes. It was the 5 year anniversary of being strangled by my ex husband and I finally felt ready to share my story. Little did I know it was going to trigger my ptsd when in combination with getting sexually assaulted after I explicitly said I was not doing okay mentally after speaking.

Shortly after speaking on the panel, I started to go into psychosis. Before My ex husband strangled me I only ever struggled with depression, it's very clear to see the damage it caused. I hadn’t experienced psychosis until after that event. The time period was the same one I shared earlier and I couldn’t come out of psychosis. I had to go to the hospital at the beginning of December and It was terrifying. I didn’t know who the people closest to me were because they were newer people. And even when I got out of the hospital I had a hard time falling back into life. I got a job right away but then the friend I mentioned, who I had come to see as family got into a car accident and my job would not let me leave to assist them. I quit and found a new job a week later. For the last 8 months I have been fighting to be taken seriously when I said I wasn’t bipolar - which had been proved a year ago but because of the psychosis from the ptsd was put back on the table. I finally got a second opinion and it was confirmed that I am indeed not bipolar. I just have very bad ptsd and my brain was trying to protect me in the most efficient way it knew how, very similar to how many war veterans experience combat related post traumatic stress. Which makes sense because I have lived in abuse most of my life. Unfortunately the court system is not kind to those with mental health issues and it was brought up in court that because of bipolar I would have “ a lifetime of problematic behavior” which is simply not true whether I was bipolar or not. Many of my friends have looked to me for parenting help because of the way that I parent. My parenting style is gentle and informative parenting.

I got a job immediately out of the hospital and continued counseling and got back on track. I had to quit that job in May after my ex girlfriend I lived with got into a car accident and they wouldn’t let me leave to take care of her. It took me all of a week to find a new job. That last job I was working never paid me and I have to filed a claim with the state to get my earned wages but have not seen any movement. My friends have been incredible with trying to help get me through all of this and I have recently found a new job that I am very hopeful for but I am in serious need of help. I have been trying to fix this myself for over a year and I can’t.

Currently I am asking for help to raise $25,000 to pay off the medical debt, legal fees and the eviction, to get into a place of my own. I just want a chance to live abuse free with my wonderful son, and to get to contribute to society in the ways I have been wanting to instead of fighting for my life. I just want a normal life for once and this will help me make up for the time I have lost due to others harming me.

For the future I want to make positive changes in the world. Though I love music and very much wish that I could continue on that path, I recognize that it is not a sure path for me. I have tried to go to school for it three separate times and almost died 3 times. There is too much trauma. I still write and am working on releasing music about grief, love, and domestic violence. I have released some, which you can find on tiktok and YouTube. I still write music but Ive been doing security because I thought it would make me feel secure for once.

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read this and to everyone who donates. Everything and anything helps.

**UPDATE**

I had to settle in court because though we were able to raise 675$ it went to me moving after a seizure. I was not able to raise enough funds to pay for the lawyer to continue the case. I never even really go to speak my piece. They basically just wrote me off and said I was unstable and crazy because I have PTSD from my ex husband trying to kill me. They didn’t take into account that he tried to kill me. I currently am allowed every other weekend and every other holiday but thats only if I live in Texas and currently it has to be supervised. I don’t know many people in Texas.

August does have a phone now so I’m able to to talk to him more often but I feel like I’m being unfairly punished for being a victim while my abuser just gets to exist happily with the child he said he would rather see in foster care than with me, that he barely spoke to for almost 3 years and that I raised mostly alone for 5 years. Being away from my son has been the darkest time in my life and I know he has been feeling the affects of it too because he asks me when he is going to see me next. He also tells me often that he wishes he still lived with me.

I have been doing security for a little over a year, I’m even working on becoming armed. I’m in my first truly stable environment since 2016 and while I’m making headway towards seeing August again, Moving there is a whole different story. I just want to be able to hold my baby regularly.

Unfortunately doing that involves paying off the eviction from when I almost died after being sexually assaulted by a classmate while going to school for music production in 2021.

In the last year Ive fought really hard to get to get out of the homeless shelter I was in in Arizona and I had to move back to Oregon in March to be closer to family while recovering from PTSD and being robbed while having a medication induced seizure because the doctors have been overmedicating me and not listening to me for years. Labeling PTSD and Autism as Bipolar. I finally found a doctor who listens, understands and calls it like it is. I am currently off any meds and I have been doing really well for the last 6 months. I am 10 months seizure free.

Since 2016 Ive attend DV support groups and panels, Ive even spoken on a few. Ive attended support groups for sex trafficking survivors. I have been through talk therapy, dbt, and art therapy where I got to teach a songwriting course because being Autistic its difficult for me to communicate thats why I don’t post a lot of videos where I’m talking,- I had to write this out and it took hours but music? thats how I process. *** Transcript from recent TikTok.

Venmo and Cashapp: GabrielleElenaOcean

Instagram: Gabrielle Elena Ocean (Modeling) GEEEEEOH (Personal)

Tiktok: @gabrielleelenaocean

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCscQWKzKh_TozJiIKlt1zyw