Help get Maddie to the Cemetery

Maddie Yee (née Madeline Jean Tong) was the mom of Hammy (the golden retriever). He notices her absence … I’ve seen him looking at her spot on the sofa. When he doesn’t see her there, he kind of looks around, unsure .. Then he’ll hop onto the sofa & curl up ..

I’m Brian, Maddie’s firstborn son (not a golden retriever), speaking on behalf of her immediate family (my brother Randy & my dad Sherwood)

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Maddie passed Monday morning, 18 DEC 2023, at 7:36AM .. from complications with chemotherapy. Presently her remains are at the Kaiser morgue. We’re trying to transport her to the cemetery where her mother is buried, in San Francisco. Maddie’s passing was unexpected & sudden, over a single weekend before Christmas 2023. We were not prepared & now we’re trying to cover all the costs that come with a death ..

We never even got to have “the conversation” about what mom preferred to have happen when the “time happened” ..

This was our first Christmas without mom .. Speaking for myself, I’ve had one cry each day since she died, usually in the morning before getting up to start the day.

We’re trying to raise funds to pay for the cemetery, which includes the niche; the urn & engraving; the inurnment fee; the processing fee & the California taxes; & the direct cremation. We have 1 month to raise the money to get mom to her final resting place ..

If you can donate money or change, any amount would be appreciated. No pressure, tho. Thoughts & shares are equally welcome ..

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I’m gonna say a lot more. You don’t have to read it tho. I just wanted to say it. For Mom

TL;DR, as the internet says.

In NOV 2018, before Thanksgiving, Maddie was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic lung cancer. There were like, 6 nodes of tumors in the upper lobe of her right-side lung, the cancer origin. But by the time we’d discovered it, the cancer had already spread to her L3 vertebra. That explained why her back had hurt so much. I remember, she had started telling me about some kind of pain in her back. We had thought maybe it was sciatica, or something ..

In JAN 2019, Mom’s oncologist started her on Tagrisso (osimertinib), a medication used to treat non-small-cell lung cancer with specific mutations. It prevented new cell division for 5 years. So grateful for the latest modern science ..

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I made sure she lived life with adventures. Thru the years hence, Mom & I took her golden retriever (derpy cute hammy) on many, many walks & hikes in the Bay Area.

She was a techie & crafter, always messing with new electronics & devices & machines. She knitted, sewed, and embroidered. She made socks; fingerless gloves; zipper pouches; tissue boxes; beanie hats; tuffet chairs; stuffy animals; hammy bandanas.

She loved going to the movie theater. She always told me that Henry (her dad, my gpa) used to take her to the movies a lot. She loved Marvel Comics movies; so I always took her to the cinema. She always ordered popcorn with 3 layers of butter in-between. She was looking forward to seeing ‘The Marvels’, which we watched last month. She really wanted to see Wonka. She didn’t get to see it tho .. as it opened the weekend that she passed ..

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Hammy the golden retriever was her spirit animal. She loved him so much. These past few days, I’ve seen him stand & stare at her spot on the sofa, like, just looking: “Where’s my human ?” ..

Mom won Instagram ? haha. She didn’t even use hashtags ! My friend taught her how to use IG that first year of bone biopsies & CT scans & blood drawings & PT scans & blood drawings & CT scans & MRI imaging & PT scans & CT scans & .. Maddie posted pictures of her & her dog. She’d always tell me the latest number of followers with a sense of pride. It gave her something to do during all those hours we spent at the hospital.

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People often wondered why she wasn’t like, in bed & frail ? People sometimes asked, “do you know how long she has to live?” wtf — We learned so much about living with cancer. We learned that “stage 4” is a spectrum, not a death sentence. I learned that for the most part, we learn about cancer thru such a foggy lens. I learned that people just think folks get cancer & lose hair & die. I wish cinema & tv showed the full experience of cancer. I always reminded mom: let’s just take it one day at a time ..

I say all this not to bring anyone’s mood down. I am just stating the reality of it all & reality can be both happy-sad, good-bad, fast-slow, easy-frustrating, fair-unfair, up-down, yin-yang, light-shadow, fire-water, blah-blah-blah. I notice that cancer is that too: simultaneously, everything.

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In NOV 2022, CT scans showed new cell division .. All 2023, we kept up with imaging scans in 3-month intervals to watch over the growth rate. Was slow growing, but we def could see what the doctor showed us: the cancer nodes created more lil’ spots.

Around Halloween 2023, we started preparing for chemotherapy. She was gonna do 4 cycles total, every three weeks thru January. Just before Thanksgiving this year, Mom had her 1st cycle of infusion medicine, two meds: Carboplatin & Alimta. It was Hell for mom. All the side effects: including fatigue, nausea, vomiting, constipation, loss of appetite, sensitivity to many food flavors. We weren’t sure if we were gonna do Thanksgivs. But she totally got better. Instead of spending time in the kitchen tho, we ordered a gang of food & ate it at the house.

Couple weeks ago, on 5 DEC, Maddie had her 2nd cycle of infusion. It was the same Hel as cycle 1. But something different started happening. She started telling me about a brain fog. We looked it up & cancer patients call it “chemobrain”. We asked the oncologist about it, & he confirmed. He said maybe we’ll delay cycle 3. He also said maybe we’ll cancel chemo all together & let her body recoup her blood platelets levels.

As the days progressed, it got pretty bad .. & sad .. I had to help my mom recall how to turn on their TV (even tho she was the mastermind who set up the entire sound system). Last week, as the fog progressed, I had to help her do things like put on socks & load up toothpaste on the brush. I ended up calling the advice nurse a couple times. On Saturday, 16 DEC, she was no longer really producing phrases ? .. I kind of panicked. I called 9-1-1. We found out .. that there was blood in her right-side brain. Essentially, the chemotherapy was too strong of a poison for my mom’s body ..

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When my mom was in ICU, I believe she could still hear us. I told my mom, Even tho you didn't make it to Christmas 2023 .. I'm glad we got to decorate the house together & put up the tree .. She & I created one last xmas spirited effort ..

If you made it this far, thank you for reading it. We were looking forward to going to the family xmas eve gathering this year .. I miss my mom so much .. I just want to tell her things & hear her voice.

Now my brother & I are doing all the things that come with a death .. We had 2 friends helping us out the first week to make sure my dad was okay. Neighbors brought over food ..

I’ll end with this: fuck cancer

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Let me share one more thing. It’s a word piece I sent out to friends & family. I had a hard time answering text messages. People had asked “how are you doing” & “how are you holding up.” This was one way for me to reply.

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Lights Flicker

Sunday — 8PM

I was at the hospital all Sunday.

Kaiser ICU told us visitor hours are over.

I got home.

My dad was watching late night TV.

Mom wasn’t next to him on the sofa

Sunday — 11PM

I had washed & dried the clothes my mom wore when I called 9-1-1 on Saturday.

While I was folding her clothes & removing dog hair from it, the laundry room light & the garage lights started flickering erratically, like crazy. Like: never seen this happen before, ever, at the house.

It was kind of gentle-spooky & gave me chills ..

I made my mom’s golden retriever hang out with me

I finished folding the clothes. I was gonna bring it to the hospital the next day ? I guess

Sunday — 11:30PM

Kaiser ICU called me. They said it might be time ..

Told me to return to the hospital

Monday — 2AM

As Mom’s oxygen levels lowered, I told her about the lights flickering & asked her if that was her ..

Maddie passed Monday morning .. 7:36AM .. as I held her hand

Anyways, I miss her so much. I cry & cry

The reality of a mom passing sure hits hard ..