Help Holly Recover from Abuse

The short version:

I was married to a narcissistic abuser, who was also a recovered drug addict. He relapsed during our marriage and became schizophrenic. We are now divorced and I have been left with the majority of our debt, most of which I would not have incurred on my own. In total, it is over $100k, plus my personal savings were drained. I've been left with an overwhelming amount of trauma and debt. I am asking for help to alleviate the financial stress so that I can focus on processing and healing from the trauma.

The long version:

I met my husband in 2018. I was in my prime, in the best shape mentally and physically that I had ever been, I'd owned my own home since 2010, I was fiercely independent. He seemed to be everything I had been waiting for. Smart, kind, funny, dependable, he had a job in construction management. He was spiritual, practiced meditation and yoga, had read the Four Agreements and claimed to practice them, he also wanted to learn to swing and country dance. He was very charming and while I learned that he had a past with drugs, he was 5 years into recovery, had done extensive therapy, and convinced me that he would never go back down that path. We started planning our future together.

He was still building back his credit so all of our large purchases went onto my credit cards, or the HELOC I took out on my home. Each time we spent a large amount we agreed it would be paid down quickly - it never was, as he would always have a believable reason why he didn't have the funds. We rescued a mastiff and I needed a bigger car. I took out another loan, he promised to help with the payments.

In 2019 we started planning our wedding. All of the expenses were paid by credit card, with the intention of paying it off within the first year of marriage. He had recognized that he was bad with money and had not been saving and helping out as he'd promised. We agreed that after we were married we'd start a shared checking account, each depositing 90% of our paychecks to pay our bills, pay down the credit cards and HELOC, and cover regular living expenses. We would keep 10% for personal spending. We married in the fall and he never set up automatic deposit. He would deposit cash in an amount he claimed to be 90%, but we never seemed to have enough to pay down the debt.

In spring of 2020 he bought himself a brand new truck without talking to me first. This was not part of our plan but he told me the payments were only slightly higher than that of the vehicle he'd traded in. I was angry, this was not part of our plan - we were supposed to pay off our other debt first.

In the fall of 2020 my husband relapsed in a major way. He was commuting a long distance for work and we hardly saw each other. I had to beg him to make his deposits, which became smaller and smaller. Any time I would bring the issue to attention he would accuse me of only caring about money and it would turn into a rampage. I didn't realize what was going on for several months, until he had lost so much weight and his behavior had changed so much that there was no other explanation.

After I became aware of the situation I helped him through detox and withdrawals. I drug tested him periodically and he always passed. However, he slowly started showing signs of schizophrenia. As his mental health deteriorated, he was no longer able to work, and the abuse grew. I refinanced my house, consolidating all of the our debt except his truck loan. I still couldn't afford to support two people so we were forced again to use my credit cards. He was withdrawing money to make his truck payment, which I finally found out was $800! Again, I was angry, but this time I was focused on helping him get well and tabled the anger. I had to pay the credit cards using my personal savings. I took out a home equity loan, to again lower the payments. He continued to use my credit cards. I would confiscate them but then he'd need to make gas or food purchases while I was at work and I didn't have cash to give him so he'd take the card. He'd spend hundreds at a time, quickly racking up the debt again.

As all of this was going on, I was trying to find ways to get him help. He didn't show signs of physically being a danger to himself or others so I knew it did not constitute a crisis intervention. He was extremely delusional and just as manipulative, he could hold it together long enough that no one on the outside knew how far gone he was. I researched his symptoms and suspected schizophrenia but didn't know if it was due to post acute withdrawal or if he truly was schizophrenic. Because of the pandemic he was able to solely have telephone appointments with his doctor, he lied about his condition every time. I finally convinced him that he needed help but he would only tell his doctor that he was depressed.

This went on for a year. I was grieving the entire time. The man I thought I knew was gone, and what was left was a wildly delusional shell. He would rage at me for no reason and make all kinds of irrational accusations. In spring of 2022 I had finally had enough, I told him he needed to go to rehab or leave. He agreed to go to rehab. The day I dropped him off I felt a weight lift that I hadn't realized had been crushing me. For months he'd been sleeping in the guest room. When I got home I searched the room. While I didn't find drugs, I did find a large and very sharp machete under the bed. That's when the danger of the situation hit me. I was lucky to be alive.

He signed himself out of rehab a few days later and returned for some of this things. I barely got him to leave the house again, I had to threaten to call the police to get him to leave. He continued to call me and terrorize me with his delusions so I took out a restraining order. While I do feel somewhat protected, I still live with the stress of knowing he continues to be unmedicated and very mentally ill.

My relationship with his family has grown since our separation and I've learned that the majority of what he told me about himself and his past was false. He had gone through the therapy he had claimed but instead of using that knowledge to better himself, he used it to manipulate. He learned therapy speak and would tell stories of his life experiences and alter them just enough so that he was the victim, though he would always claim some responsibility and show empathy towards the people he said were in the wrong. He would even tear up, perhaps he truly believed his versions but the reality is that his stories were fabricated. The foundation of our relationship was fabricated and I never knew who he truly was.

Prior to his relapse we were trying to conceive. My entire life I'd known I wanted to be a mother. When I was just six years old I knew that I wanted to have one biological child and adopt a second. In my early thirties I was diagnosed with endometriosis and uterine fibroids, both of which caused me almost daily pain once I was off birth control. After a year of failing to conceive, I had fertility testing done, which was paid for out of pocket as my insurance didn't cover it. My tests were fine but we still failed to get pregnant. I had surgery in October of 2020 to remove one of the fibroids. The surgery helped significantly with my pain but by that time he had already relapsed. He had made excuses to avoid his fertility testing but finally completed it early the next year. It showed that he was sterile. It is impossible to know if it was due to his recent drug use or past. I thank God now that we never had a child but grieve that I will never become a mother. I'll be forty this year, I still have consistent pain and discomfort, and with the debt I will never be able to afford a child, biological or adopted.

Now I'm just beyond two years of separation and my divorce has finalized. I was left with all of the debt except the truck loan, which was solely in his name. In total, the relationship cost me over 100k in debt, and 25k in personal savings. My fence is rotting and falling down, I will need a new roof in the next few years, I'm in need of dental work, and I can't even afford the copay to start therapy. Because I consolidated my car loan into my refinance, I will lose my car if I file bankruptcy as I technically own it outright and it is more valuable than what is allowed. I have neither the money nor credit to even purchase a used car so bankruptcy is not a viable option. For all of these reasons I haven't been able to focus on processing and healing from the emotional trauma. The financial burden is always forefront in my mind, I'm exhausted mentally and physically from the constant stress. Along with the exhaustion, the stress my ex caused has given me constant heart palpitations and acid reflux, which has apparently caused some permanent vocal damage. On top all of that, in the first stages of his relapse he set up a small, personal use grow tent in the garage to grow his own medical marijuana. He had it venting into the garage instead of outside, even though I begged him multiple times to vent it out the window. This created mold and mildew in the garage, as well as in the back of the house in my closet. The mold and mildew was immediately remediated and sealed once discovered but had already caused me to have asthma and I'll forever be reminded of his abuse morning and night when I have to use my inhaler.

Opening up in this way and letting myself be vulnerable is extremely difficult. I have always been a fiercely independent and private person and find it difficult to ask for help but I'm here, asking out of desperation..

Please consider donating to alleviate this burden so that I can focus on my own healing and gain my life back. If you can't donate, please share out to your network.

If you are interested in reading more about my experience, I have started blog linked below. I hope that writing the details of my experience will not only aid in my own healing but also offer support to anyone going through similar abuse.

Surviving Mr. X