Help Jourdain Survive The Year

Since I moved to New York City from Georgia in 2014, I have been helping support my family financially from afar. Now, almost a decade later and their situation has only gotten worse. I moved here to go to graduate school and due to my low income, my tuition was fully covered. I still had to take out loans for living costs and everything else, but at the time it seemed worth it. There was nothing I could really do for my family back home as a disabled person living in a rural area. I knew if I stayed I would just be depending on them, and I wanted them to be able to depend on me. So, I've been working as a freelance writer since finishing school in 2016, and though I am respected in my field and have a lot of exposure for my work, that hasn't translated into any financial stability.

But since I've been gone, things have gotten worse for them. In 2021 my mother was arrested and she's been in jail ever since. Due to mental health issues and drug abuse, she lost her home and ran into some real trouble. If you know anything about the prison system, you know it costs money to be incarcerated. Even phone calls cost money. My little brother has the same issues and has been homeless on and off for many years. Every week he tells me how awful he's doing and every week I have a mini breakdown trying to figure out if I can afford to help him. My little sisters have also been struggling as their father has had to support them on his own since my mother has been in lockup. I have been sending most of my extra money their way for many years and it's finally caught up to me because I don't have any to take care of myself anymore. I had to close my savings account this year because all the money is gone and though I'm always working I can't seem to make it back. And lately, I've been buckling under the pressure and unable to work at the speed I'm used to because the stress has me not eating or sleeping or really functioning at all.

The only way forward that I can see is getting some help so that I can get back on track, pay my bills and feel like myself again. I don't want to tank my career because I'm constantly breaking down about finances. And I have to admit to myself that I can't afford to support my family if I'm not even succeeding at supporting myself. If I'm drowning I can only bring people down with me. And I really want to build a life for myself that's better than what I've had to deal with. My visual disability has made it difficult for me to do any other kind of work than the specialized work I currently do. I'm disabled enough to make service jobs extremely difficult for me and I've dealt with a lot of workplace discrimination.

So, what I need is just enough money to cover my rent until the end of the year, alleviate some of my debt and pay my bills so that I can start 2024 on the right foot. My health has been deteriorating, my clothes are falling apart, and I can't even go grocery shopping without having a panic attack. I'm just trying to survive and be able to feel steady enough to do all the different freelance work I do and get out to the other side of this. It's very difficult for me to talk about any of this and for the last two years I've been avoiding saying much about my self or my struggles at all. Due to past trauma, I haven't felt comfortable talking about any of this. I've been diagnosed with c-PTSD and it's made it very hard to communicate with people. But I have to talk about it now because things can't go on like this. I really need some help.

I feel extremely embarrassed asking. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to do.