Help me lay my disabled brother and our mother to rest.

Help me lay the last of my family to rest - My Mom and my brother.

On October 28, 2023, my older (and only sibling) brother John "Mike" Jones passed away unexpectedly at the age of 77 at Novant Hospital in Winston Salem, NC.

On March 14, 2024, our mother, Mildred "Joan" Jones passed away at the age of 99; three months short of her 100th birthday at Walnut Cove Rehabilitation Center. As such, she never knew her son preceded her in death as by this time she was already in the last stages of Dementia.

They were both preceded in death by my father, Ray Eugene Jones, in 2010. My father was both a WWII Navy Veteran and later served in the Air Force Reserves. I am fortunate my dad's cremains were able to be interred with dignity and memorialized as a proud veteran. He is interred at a very nice cemetery located in Winter Park, Florida, and the plan is to inter both my mother and brother there as well.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do - reach out for donations to have to lay my own mother and brother to rest. It has taken me this long to get up the courage to ask for help, but now I face a financial impossibility and the reason is simple: unknown to anyone in the family, including myself, my mother cancelled all life insurance benefits. That was one huge blow. When I called the cemetery office in June to inquire since they were cremated, if I could offset some of the cost and obtain credit for the caskets and vaults my father pre-purchased, I was informed my mother sold those back to the cemetery. I had already paid for their cremations, and purchased urns and burial vaults I thought would be appropriate for the cemeteries policies. Though I had done this for my dad, I was told this is no longer the case. It must be through the funeral home or cemetery office to meet their standards.

The funds are simply not here. Normally, the reasons I see why donations are needed in cases like this, is where there has been a tragic and untimely death. I must do this as I know my dad would have me do: dutifully bury his wife - our mom - and my brother.

My personal emergency fund went to the cremations and other last expenses. I am a widow - I was a caregiver for a decade for my late husband, I know he would have done as much for me, if not more. Additionally, I had to watch over my elderly mother, father, and brother who lived next door. What started out as a great and growing retirement plan was wiped out in less than a decade. Still, after my husband passed, there was a small enough life insurance to carry on with the mortgage for a while, but no repairs to a house. Three days after he passed, my mother broke her hip and was sent to rehab and nursing facility until her death. At the same time all property was underwater and sold so as not to be foreclosed on. There were no proceeds.

But it is what happened at this very point - when EVERYONE'S life changed - that my brother's life would disintegrate. Such mixed emotions of grief and guilt. To understand: Mike - my brother - was born with a brain injury at birth. The damage was primarily to the left frontal lobe - where emotions and inhibitions and controlled. His emotional age varied during life/aging, but I was told approximately that of an 8-year-old. By the time I came along 12 years later, his behavior was already in need of a controlled environment. But there were none back then. Eighty years later, the situation is no better: choice of the streets or jail. Or, as one doctor told my parents long ago, 'no place to go, unless they are lucky enough to have the family care for them.' Mine was such a family.

I'll try to condense 60 years of life experience living with my brother. As a child, my safe place was my closet. The mixed emotions I have come from the terror the household would endure during one of his 'rages.' The older he got, the worse it became, and he was very, very strong. Family members were hurt. My dad would take the punches and kicks and never lay hands on him. And through all these years, all the system would provide were untrained warehoused physiatrists that literally experimented with his medications until they alone added to the damage so that by the time he was 20, he was also diagnosed a paranoid Schizophrenic in addition to extreme violent tendencies.

My dad had to turn down a prestigious promotion in Texas. Their finances suffered greatly. Medical, psychiatric, psychologists - none of it covered under insurance because it was considered a "Pre-existing Condition." Many years later when I myself landed a better paying job, I would try to help, but it was too little too late.

Normal family functions like Christmas or birthdays were a nightmare, never knowing which Mike would show. Family - bless them - visited, but those were rare and short. I never had friends over to my home, I never knew what would happen. My late husband loved and was able to draw Mike out of his shell better than anyone.

While the donation guidelines tell you to share your fundraiser with family and friends, there are none left. Immediate family and friends are deceased, and the few extended that remain have helped and can give no more. They have medical expenses themselves and reside in assisted living. I gave up on pursuing any sort of Social Media presence because it was my late husband everyone knew - not me. I did not then, and still do not, have the confidence. Kind of like living life outside looking in. Those extended family or friends still living have not a clue as to what our family really had to endure. My mother would be on the phone, spinning the truth of my brother's deterioration faster than any spin factory today. Just one reason why extended family could never understand why such dire financial difficulties. No one alive today knows the truth.

But it is the flip side that tears my heart out. The real tragedy of my brother's life is that my brother KNEW he wasn't 'normal.' He would constantly ask our mother, "Will I be normal in the next life?" "Will everybody be happy in the next life?" To me, he asked up until the last time I saw him (which is when I took that picture), "You will always protect me, won't you, Sister?" All my life he would ask that question, and my reply was, "Of course." My brother, for want of anything found peace in the Lord in life. Mike was very spiritual.

I was initially told, and was relieved, that he would be at a small unit, one where our primary physician was in charge. Then COVID came down and there was no contact with anyone. This turned out not to be so and he was sent to a group home I was refused to even know the name of it, where it was, or contact him. I finally located him and was able to visit him several times. It was the last place my brother should have spent his remaining time, is all I will say. My brother was fortunate he had a nice roommate. It wasn't until later I learned that was all he had. There was no death notification. I found out he passed when I wished him a Happy Birthday on November 18. I was put on hold, then told, "JJ is dead." He passed on October 28.

So, in the end, while my brother did bring tumult to my life, he WAS my brother, and I loved him. For me, I can never forgive myself for not being with him when he needed me the MOST, when he was dying. I didn't protect him. Such a broken promise is nearly an unpardonable sin. With an emotional age of 8, I cannot imagine his confusion and fright. Dying with only a staff nurse - a stranger - to hold his hand. I shattered my promise to my special needs, severely disabled brother.

The very least I can do for my brother is to give him the dignity of a proper memorial, burial and marker. Please help me give him that. And our mother - she was his world, and he was hers. She was only human, with human faults, but she did her best to devote her life to walk his tortured life with him.

I pray my brother is now whole and happy in 'the next life.' I just need your help to make their resting place as close to 'that next life' here on earth as possible.

Thank you and Bless you for your kindness and understanding.