My Mom is drowning and I need help.

When I was sixteen years old I got my own car, a posthumous gift from my grandfather, who always made sure his grandchildren had what they needed  to become the kind of adults he wanted them to be. He wanted all of us to be happy and loved, and capable and safe and able to become as successful in life as he was and hopefully more so. It was a nice dream he had for all of us one that I still haven't been able to fully realize.

 

Things for me never went quite the way they should have. They've always been a little harder, molehills have always become mountains, and I've always struggled to just exist. I've struggled to survive and thrive and sometimes even to get out of bed in the morning. When you talk to doctors or therapists they always say that some people just aren't wired right and that's why we have medications to help balance out the brain and therapy to organize and diminish the noise.

 

I've been in therapy for twenty years, I've  been medicated for twenty years, and while I've had brief encounters with some kind of baseline normality, I've never been happy, things have never been easy, and no matter how hard I work or what I try I've never been able to make a life for myself, the life I'd like to have at least.

 

My mental health slowly evolved into deterioration of my physical health as well and the past fifteen years have really made me question if my life is something that's even worth trying to save. I'm a terrible financial and emotional burden on my mother who is and has always been a pillar of unwavering strength in my life,  She will fight for me until the day she dies because she's seen first hand more than anyone how unfair life can be to someone who just wants to get through the day without being scared or worried or terrified of what hurdle is coming next.

 

My last few hurdles came so closely together there wasn't even time to breath in-between.

 

In July I went to the doctor for a routine check up and check in and while there I mentioned a pain in my toe and what looked like a small bite, perhaps from an insect. I don't blame my doctor for not investigating further because I do tend to fixate on one small problem and turn it into a big one.

 

At the end of August my toe had become so painful I had trouble walking, it was swollen and irritated looking. It got to a point where I ended up in the emergency room late on a Saturday night looking for relief. That doctor, without proper imagine or any blood work informed me that I had Osteomyelitis, an infection of the bone. He told me treatment would be several days of antibiotics in a different hospital that I'd have to be transported to. It seemed very serious to me because he was so adamant and spoke with such urgency. They started an IV antibiotic in the emergency room and then before I could be transferred  he actually did blood work and told me that I didn't have a bone infection and that I'd be discharged with some antibiotics to take at home.

 

I thought things improved, but after another visit to my doctor and two weeks of waiting to get an appointment for an MRI, I was urgently admitted to the hospital with a full blown infection in my toe, one that was treated with round the clock antibiotics for three days and is now being treated at home with six additional weeks of twice daily infusions I had to administer myself. It's a pain, it's uncomfortable and for four hours I day I just sit around let the antibiotics infuse while hoping I didn't do anything wrong.

 

If you made it all this way, congratulations, I'm finally getting to the point. The antibiotic I'm on is very hard on the kidneys and there's still many appointments I had to go through until I'm on the mend. None of these doctors are close to me, I have to travel to get to all of them while still keeping all my local appointments.



When I left the hospital on Friday my mom couldn't get my car to start. It's over twenty years old so that's nothing new, really, just a pat of life. I told her there was a trick to get it started, but when I tried nothing happened. No trick was going to work so I went home in my moms car and let me mechanic neighbor know what was going on. Miraculously he had it fixed the next day and while it ended up costing me more money than I had and more than my mom had he was fine with us getting some money together.

 

Today when I left the house for the first time today my car felt safe, felt responsive even if I still have to pound on the brakes to stop and for a brief moment I thought about how nice it was to drive around without having to worry about if the trick to get it started would work or if I'd get stranded somewhere and have to bother my mom some more to come pick me up.

 

When I was two blocks from my house my entire car started smoking. There was heavy white smoke pouring from the hood and I left a trail of anti freeze from the highway all the way down my street and into my driveway where a nice puddle has formed under the car. Another mountain, another hurdle, another setback, and another thing I can't afford to fix.

 

I have come to a point where I am putting more money into fixes than the car is worth. I have so many appointments to go to and my mom can't keep taking off of work for me. I can't go see my handicapped sister, who doesn't drive at all, and spend time with her or take her to run errands. I can't even make it to the grocery and all of that is made worse by the yards of tubes hanging out of my arm that I have to keep sterilized and out of the way when I'm not attached to a pump full of antibiotics.



So, here we are, the part where I ask for help. The part I've been dreading since I sat down to write this. I need help, I need help for myself, and help to take some of the weight off my mom's shoulders.

 

I don't know who is reading this right now, but if you can help, if you can do anything it would mean the world to me. If you're from any of the online communities I've been apart of and I've taught you something, helped you, made you laugh, cry, or just forget about your own life for a while, you can give back or pay it forward or whatever people say in situations like this. If I have ever helped you, I am very kindly asking you to help me.

You have no idea how much this would mean to me and I am completely aware it's a hard time of year for everyone, but I'd really like to be able to give my mom a little peace of mind for Christmas. She worries enough, and she works too hard, and I just want things to be a little...easier.

 

Thank for you reading,

Adam Chenevert