Help Secure Trans-Affirming Healthcare

This fundraiser is to help us obtain funds to fight for a better future for my oldest daughter. My partner and I have hit a dead end in trying to move to a trans-affirming state, because my ex refuses to plan or engage with us in any constructive form. She is preventing us from leaving the state to move to a state where trans healthcare is legal, and in order for us to have any hope of moving in the next year (ideally prior to the presidential election), we are going to have to get creative with legal maneuvering. We have been trying to initiate conversations since November of last year to plan the logistics of moving, but my ex and her partner have consistently refused to discuss plans or even acknowledge the need to move. Even more concerning: my ex has also consistently changed tones regarding healthcare for my daughter in ways that suggest she's fallen prey to transphobic misinformation; arguing that puberty blockers are not acceptable because they are "permanent changes," and most recently, telling me through her lawyer that she's possibly not in favor of HRT despite that being the expressed desire of our child.

For these reasons, and many more, the funds we raise will be used to help us fight for my daughter to access healthcare that aligns with her desires. This will involve fighting to relocate to a safer state, as well as fighting to ensure that my ex will not stand in the way of my daughter receiving globally-accepted best-practice healthcare for trans youth.

Read on if you want the longer version of our story. Thank you so much for considering our fundraiser. Thank you for supporting one kid's future. Trans kids are beautiful. Trans kids deserve agency over their bodies. Trans kids deserve to grow up and become trans elders.

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In 2021, my oldest kid video called me with her mom to tell me some exciting news: she had a new name! Her mom and I had made the quite common mistake: we'd used her genitalia to make assumptions about her gender. We were quite wrong, and at 8 years old she was finally able to correct us.

Her news was greeted with celebration all around; my partner and I were delighted, as were her mom and her partner, and so many in our community of friends and family.

My daughter has thrived in the past 3 years, living her truth and being surrounded by love and acceptance. Unfortunately in that same period, the world around her has changed drastically, in ways that endanger her and thousands of trans kids like her.

We currently live in the South of the US, in one of almost 25 states that have banned trans-affirming healthcare for minors. These states have passed a huge number of laws to harm trans kids and adults, and they continue to do so (South Carolina's ban just passed in May). Republicans nationwide have decided that trans people (and specifically trans girls) are the moral crisis du jour and they are all working as hard as possible to make existing as trans a crime.

Other states, meanwhile, recognize the stakes and are fighting to ensure that trans people are fully equal citizens with guarantees of access to healthcare and legal protections. These states are making it easier for trans people to be themselves, rather than trying to destroy the trans people who live within their borders.

I wish this fundraiser were simply to help with costs associated with relocation. Alas, we don't know when we will be able to move, because of my kids' mother.

Since I first sent an email in November last year bringing up the conversation of moving for my kid, my ex-wife has consistently denied the need to move. When I asked my kid's doctor (who is often quoted in national stories about trans healthcare) about the healthcare that my daughter needs as she enters puberty, I learned that it is fully inaccessible in Tennessee. In fact, in order for us to join a telehealth call with the doctor, we have to drive to a state without a ban (for now, that's South Carolina, but in January it becomes Virginia or Illinois, over 5 hours away). When I told my ex this info, she told me it still wasn't necessary for us to move.

She's also continually fought that puberty blockers should not be an option, which is the globally approved method of giving trans kids a few years to figure out whether or not they want to start taking hormones (HRT) during puberty. Her reasons for denying this option are literally irrational; she consistently says she is against them because they are "a permanent change" to our kid. Puberty blockers—if you aren't aware—only work while the medication is taken. If you stop, the effects dissipate and the body continues on as normal. There is absolutely nothing permanent about them, nor is there any scientific evidence about this concern. But radical "feminist" groups have promoted this argument, groups who do not believe trans people should exist.

Even knowing these connections between her arguments and the communities they arise from, I have to admit I was still completely shocked when I received a letter from her lawyer this past month that stated "My client is not in agreement with HRT without a discussion with her first, and she may not be in agreement with it at all." I've been trying to have a discussion for months about how we get my kid the information and healthcare she desires. It seems like my ex has spent that time finding reasons to justify staying in a state that bans trans healthcare, and that's why she refuses to engage with us about relocating.

This is a huge red flag. When considered with her nonsensical puberty blocker resistance, her consistent refusal to consider moving, and many other issues not discussed in this fundraiser, we (my partner and I) have lost any ability to consider her actions as coming from a place of good faith, centering our children. Which, means I have to turn to lawyers, and it's going to be an uphill fight.

Our goals are to relocate to a new state and get my daughter access to the healthcare she needs. But since we currently reside in a state that doesn't legally believe trans children exist, and therefore doesn't believe lack of access to affirming healthcare is a harm to a child, our fight is very uphill.

The funds we raise here will help us retain a lawyer who can help us navigate the legal system of a state who legally does not believe my child should exist, while also fighting my ex-wife to engage with us about relocation and ensuring my child can get access to healthcare. We may need lawyers in multiple states over the course of this battle. By donating, you are helping us ensure we can afford this fight and still have money to afford the eventual relocation.

Thank you so much for reading and for considering donating!