Help us get home for Dad & Grandpa's funeral

Dear friends and family, it’s been a while. I hope you are keeping well.

I am creating this fundraiser to ask for a donation towards our goal of £5000 to help Dexter, Bea and me return home from the US, for Dad / Grandpa's funeral.

It is with deep sadness that I share my wise, caring and calm Dad died peacefully this morning (19th January 2023, 3am GMT) aged 70, with Mum, my brother, two of Dad’s dedicated carers - Hermie and Vicky, and me and my partner Matthew on zoom. 

I have spent much time away from social media this past year caring for myself, my family and navigating an unravelling of who I thought I was. I understand and value the benefit of using online platforms to get a message out to community—and right now I need to make a request of my community for financial & practical support, love and hugs; to be heard in my time of need after a long inner retreat and silence.

Dad was diagnosed with Frontotemporal dementia at the age of 58, 12 years ago. Any of you who have experienced a loved one with dementia knows how heart-breaking it is to watch someone you love so dearly become someone you don’t know. And then the end, it is just so cruel. His illness has offered me so many lessons, including learning to support my children through understanding what was happening to Grandpa, and becoming even more caring humans through the 20 months we lived with Mum and Dad in 2018&2019.

We have been so lucky that he has been able to remain at home, and live such a meaningful life for so long with his disease. He has exceptional care organised by my dedicated Mum, who has created a sanctuary for him to pass away in. I have so much gratitude to her, for her unwavering love and commitment to his quality of life and for co-creating the home where they have lived for 37 years and where passed away in peace.

One of the blessings, if you can call it that, of having been in anticipatory grief and active grief with my Dad, is the opportunity to say all the things I wanted to say—to say goodbye in my own way. Because of that, I made the difficult decision and prioritised not going back to the UK for his final days, but to wait and attend his cremation & celebration, which will be in a few weeks time.

My children Dexter and Bea have independently requested to go home and say goodbye and celebrate him too. And because of complications with their visas, (which we weren’t needing to deal with because of our impending green card application) it will take 3-4 weeks to get their new visas which, of course, is an additional expense.

I am not allowed to work in the US, due to my visa (part of my unraveling story) therefore money is extremely tight for us.

So I am reaching out to you, my dear community, for financial support.

Asking for financial help feels like such an edge for me. I have been working hard with my shame monster and inner critic—and being in the unknown. I am making this choice to ask you, because I really want to support my children to say goodbye to their Grandpa, the way they want to. And I really want to be there to support my Mum with this transition.

And I want to honour the man I call Dad, and Dexter and Bea call Grandpa.

We would be so grateful for any support, no matter how small.

I have tried to calculate the basic amount I think it will cost to get us back home, and spend 3-4 weeks there and it is approximately $5000, broken down into

Flights $2400

Car hire £1640

Petrol £240

Crematorium clothes for the kids £120

Groceries £500

Visa applications $380

If you can’t offer support financially, we would appreciate support in other ways:

Maybe you know someone with a car they don’t use that often, that I could borrow?

Someone who could pick us up /drop us off at the airport?

Do you have a couple of rooms in SW London we could stay in for a few nights, to give my grieving mum some respite?

Maybe you have a suit you can lend Dexter for the crematorium?

Or you want to meet for a cuppa, chat and a cuddle? (Yes please!)

Kind words, memories, music, poetry, audio/video recommendations for teachings around grief, life, death, cycles, nature, favourite family-recipes, or anything that feels resonant to share, are all welcome and appreciated greatly.

I am currently at capacity and wanting to be quiet and still with the memory, and spirit of Dad, and the many happy and more difficult memories I have of the last 38 years, and my intention is to respond and thank each of you when I have more capacity.

Thank you for all your love, support and generosity,

With love and deep gratitude,

Emerald, Dexter & Bea.

Picture above is the last time Dexter and Bea spent time with Grandpa and their cousins. Christmas 2021.

Picture below is one of my favourites - in Northern Ireland in 2018.