I NEED Specialist Complex PTSD Therapy

I don't expect much to come of this because it's quite clear to me that no one really cares if I live of die but one has to try. I have attempted suicide now 27 times. Each time it is unsuccessful. I don't know why I can't die - it's all I really want. My dream was to be a singer/songwriter but that was taken from me and is unachievable; I realise this now.

I suffered sexual, physical, psychological and emotional abuse from before I was consciously aware until I was 16 years old. I saw violence on a scale you can't possibly imagine. I was groomed and sexually abused by a paedophile from age 13 - 15. The things that happened; I am not allowed to detail due to pending Crown Court trials.

From 15 - 25 I was trying to get rid of the pain and trauma by using hardcore drugs. I won't deny this. I am clean now but, I have never been able to heal from any of this and every person that comes into my life just emotionally abuses me and adds to the existing pain and trauma. Last night, 22nd August '24, I took 56 Temazepam tablets, 40 Diazepam tablets, 35 Dihydrocodeine tablets and half a bottle of Hennessey. All that happened was I got a good nights sleep. I have tried to hang myself many times but I can't even get that right. I just wake up with a headache.

I found the courage to go to the Police six years ago. My abusers were charged, yet, six years on still walk free and I know that they will never see the inside of a Court room, let alone receive a sentence. Yet I have a living death sentence which will only end with my own death.

I've never slept a night in my life. My days are filled with flashbacks, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, suicide ideation, intrusive thoughts, depression and tears. Nights are filled with night terrors. I am Autistic, have ADHD and RSD. I have never had a loving relationship or been intimate with anyone, and know no one will ever want to be with me, marry me or have a family with me.

Seeing as I cannot die, I am trying to get specialist Complex PTSD Therapy; it is my last hope. These therapists are extremely rare, and extremely expensive. I can't articulate the pain I live with each day; it is worse than death because you don't die from it, it simply grows and grows.

I need help. Please help me get the help I need because I cannot die so I have to try and live somehow. Thank you