In honor of Greg Towle and his beloved sons

After a sleepless Tuesday night, counting down the minutes until our sons, 14yo Zane and 11yo Sebastian, awoke- on Wednesday morning April the 6th I managed to utter the most difficult sentence I've ever had to speak: "I have something to tell you about your daddy." Our eyes locked, their faces crumpled; they knew what I was about to say. Both boys had been worried about their dad as he hadn't responded to our texts, our phone calls went straight to voicemail, and they were used to at least some nightly check in to the tune of: "Love you pookie butt! Brush your teeth!". I told them Tuesday evening I would go check on him, and my worst fear was confirmed. By the time I got home Tuesday evening they were asleep, and I wanted to give them a good night of sleep before the rug was to be ripped out from under them. They wanted to know why this happened, they wanted answers, and as of right now I don't have any to give them.

 

What I do know, and they also know, is that Greg/ their father loved them more than anything in the world. They were the most important thing in his life, he was so proud to be a father to these wonderful boys, he truly truly loved them with the entirety of his being. And they idolized him. They, of course, were devastated. A depth of pain I never ever wanted to witness in my most beloved human beings.

 

Days later, they are still in shock. They both will say at different points in the day- "I still can't believe he's gone, it just doesn't seem real". We've talked about shock, waves of grief, the intense and confusing emotions that may come to normalize it for them. They will tell me in their own way when they've had enough information and processing and then move on to other coping mechanisms. Zane wants to be involved, he wants information, he wants to hear stories about his dad and look at pictures and reminisce. He wants to be surrounded by the essence of his daddy and soak it all in.

 

Sebastian is intermittently teary, and defaults to grieving alone, engaged in some cognitive task. I need to check in with him frequently. Both boys have been home from school since Wednesday, but Sebastian made the brave decision to go to school on Friday for a highly anticipated field trip. I think it was really good for him, his friends and the school district have been very supportive.

 

We gathered some of their belongings from Greg's apartment, they chose one of Greg's iconic T-shirts and both held it to their face and sniffed it as much as their lungs could expand because "it smells like dad". I have it sealed in an airtight baggie to preserve the dad smell, and would like to have it framed. They have been thinking on other ways to memorialize their father in a meaningful way to them. I don't want to deny them anything right now.

 

I am taking off work as much as I can to be fully present with them, it's an absolute must. I am asking for support and donations which will offset related costs and allow us to focus on healing together as a family.

 

Thank you,

Shawn Marie Towle