In loving memory of Steve Gable, who always tried

It is unbelievable that three weeks have passed since my father passed away on his birthday. Since then, my family and I have been navigating both our grief and a whirlwind of paperwork, phone calls, and arrangements involved with a sudden loss like this one. The truth is that my dad has struggled with bipolar disorder, drug/alcohol addiction, childhood trauma, and perhaps other afflictions not brought to light his entire life.

Although he was plagued on a daily basis by these demons, he woke up every day and tried, he persevered. He became a sponsor for AA and would leave at a moment's notice to help someone stay on the right path. He went from working for minimum wage in carpentry to becoming a contractor and starting his own business - Gable Carpentry. He woke up every morning, made his bed, stayed true to his faith, and went to church every Sunday. He found love, he brought my brother and I into this world and showed us immense love, and he was a supportive stepfather to my half brother and step siblings. He became a grandfather to my nephew. He was always there on the other end of the phone line to offer his wisdom which always made every situation less scary and easier to decipher a clear path forward. The list could go on from testimonies from loved ones, friends, and family on how my dad tried to make the world a better place.

My dad's last days will not define him in my mind. I will always remember the days where he walked in the light. In those days, he played an important role in shaping the woman I am today. He showed me the meaning and value of kindness, empathy, humor, charisma, ambition, hard work, fearlessness, persistence, and staying true to yourself.

I still do not know what to say about how my dad's life ended. Perhaps his demons caught up with him, perhaps the struggles he faced over the past few years compounded so much that he felt he couldn't "try" his way into being better anymore, perhaps he wanted to protect his family from his darkness, perhaps he was simply too tired to keep going on. Whatever led him to his decision to take his own life, I know it is not something he did carelessly. I know it was not an "easy way out". My dad loved life. He was the liveliest person I knew, it is a trait I've inherited from him. My dad was in pain, suffering daily. He loved his family, he loved me.

Sometimes his demons made it feel it wasn't that way, but after visiting his home after everything happened I realized the extent of his love. In his small condo, he had pictures of all of his loved ones scattered around, as if he looked at us daily, remembering the best of times. Seeing this broke my heart. After doubting my dad's love for me my entire life, I finally understood the depth of his love. I wish I could turn back the clock and see him one more time. Hug him and let him know I love him and everything will be okay.

Now I know my brother, family, and I have someone on the other side, watching over me, protecting me, loving me, and guiding me every day.

This experience has been the most heartbreaking one I have gone through and has taught me a lifetime's worth of lessons about the nature of addiction and mental health, the duality of humanity, and the importance of grace, empathy, love, and forgiveness.

For those friends of mine who would like to help in this situation, I have created this GoFundMe to support my brother and I in the costs related to this type of ending. From lawyers, to cleaners, to taxes and clearing debt, to sending off my dad properly with a great memorial, your donation would help us immensely. Thank you for reading his story and supporting.