In Tribute & Support of Eleanor Angell & family

My Mother Eleanor Angell passed away on the 18th of June, 2020 from pulmonary embolism, heart failure and underlying health conditions she'd had for years. Her mind and body had decided enough was enough.

She'd spent 3.5 weeks in hospital, 2 of which I wasn't able to see her because of the hospital rule of no visitors due to the current Covid situation. 

It was heartbreaking not being able to see her and give her a cuddle, she even spent her 67th and, as it turned out, last birthday in the hospital. All I could do was drop a bag at reception with a card and gift but no flowers as these were no longer permitted. Flowers would have made her smile, they always did.


Blessedly, after her 2nd week in there they finally diagnosed alzheimer's and vascular dementia, meaning she was then 'allowed' visitors so I was able to go to her. It was not an easy visit and I had to wear ppe so it was difficult for her to recognise me even more so. But I'm just so grateful I had that chance.

At one point she was fit for discharge and going home but the sad fact was she had no stable home to return to and she was no longer able to look after herself or make rational decisions, so the hospital was looking into care homes. Again, my mum was 67yrs young.

And one week later I received the 6am phone call that she was deteriorating and I should come in to say goodbye. That morning is still vivid in my mind, the phone call I'd be waiting for and yet didn't expect to happen. In the space of an hour I'd called my siblings and me and my sister were on our way to be with her where we spent the next 2 days by her bedside- holding her, caressing her, reassuring her that she was safe and not alone.

Even in those two days, the hospital had hope that she would make it through although in my heart, I knew she was getting ready to leave us.

It was one of the most intense 48hrs of my life.

My sister and I held a vigil through the night as her lungs and heart began to shut down- not daring to sleep for a minute because we did not want her to be alone when she passed. We talked to her, we played music, we cried, we laughed. It was both heartrendingly painful and breathtakingly beautiful.

When the moment came at 6:20am, when her SATS were dropping and not recovering, we knew it was finally happening so called our brother in Canada where he sat with his wife and we talked mum through the final moments of her life on earth. I held her face in my hands and she opened her eyes for the first time in 12hrs and met mine, I told her she was safe, loved and it was okay to let go. My sister held her hand and stroked her heart space and my brother and wife spoke words of love and safety to her through the phone.

And then at 06:30, she took her last two breaths, and she was gone.

And she was finally at peace. For probably the first time in her whole life, she was at peace. Every wrinkle, every line of worry, fear, stress, distress- disappeared from her face and she looked like a child again.

And in that moment, our lives changed forever. This woman who had brought us into this world, who had been around in some form or another our whole lives, was gone.

Just like that.

And suddenly it was hard for us all to catch our breath.



Our mum came from an extremely traumatic background and she experienced a lot of pain throughout her life. Not long before dying she shared with me that she'd though having children would take away this pain she had within her, but of course it didn't.

Our relationships were complicated. There were many lies, deceptions, secrets- it was not an easy upbringing and not all her children felt able to have a relationship with her. Or some weren't given the choice.

She made many mistakes along the way. She didn't come from a background of safety so she didn't know how to create that fully for her own children. But she was human. And she was suffering. And all we ever wanted to do was 'make her better' 'make her happy' keep her safe.

And all she ever did was her best, with her full heart and she loved us all fiercely.

She was courageous, she was powerful, she was strong and fiercely independent; something that ultimately became her downfall when not accepting help from anyone.

She never stayed put. We saw lots of the places because it was always greener on the other side, the next place was always going to be 'better' Unsettling, maybe. But it was also exciting.

We experienced life, we didn't simply just live it.

She believed in us, even when we didn't believe in ourselves. She always supported our choices.

She wasn't perfect. She hurt a lot of people. But I believe none of us are and we've all made choices that have hurt others in some way, even unconsciously.

She also made some amazing choices and loved and cherished a lot too.

And she made the best birthday cakes !!!



She leaves behind 4 children, who all knew her very differently, for different lengths of time and with very different relationships. But who all loved her, I believe, in their own ways.

She also leaves behind a gorgeous little doggie and cat who now need love, care and attention. This may be with me or I have found a lovely family willing to, if I don't feel I have the capacity. Animals need emotional and financial commitments which I may not have. But I am in love with them and I will do what's best.

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My Mum didn't leave behind any kind of estate, only debts. There was always a financial struggle. She had so many dreams and longings but her state of mind & her traumas meant she remained very stuck for much of her life.

She dreamed of traveling the world (of which she/we did a lot of in the earlier years when her brain and body were younger & less afraid) she dreamed of owning a retreat center to nourish the mind, body & soul, of generating enough income to support the thousands of animals who are mistreated in the world.

She longed to swim with the dolphins. I longed to make this a reality for her but we ran out of time.

And now, those dreams become stardust, as will her body. And I hope somewhere they are finally all coming true for her.

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But in this reality, I am now faced with trying to get together the money to give her the farewell she deserves. 

This comes at a time when, due to covid, my income dropped to zero in March when all of my and my partners worked stopped. Staying afloat and looking after our family became more of a challenge than ever.

The funeral service alone will be small but will still cost close to £3000.

I also want to hold a memorial for her later in the year/early next year to really celebrate and honour this stubborn, fierce yet hugely hearted and loving woman. A memorial I hope my brother (in Canada) will be able to get to once restrictions are lifted.

I'd also like to realise some of her dreams for her by donating to some of the animal charities close to her heart. 

And I would love to give something back to the staff on Godstone Ward at East Surrey hospital for the amazing care they gave my mum and me & my sister. They are fucking Amazing human beings who care with their hearts. Thank you so much. 

So I reach out to you to ask for any support you feel able to offer, whether you knew her, or know me, or just simply feel called to do so.

I am so grateful.

Bless your heart. Bless Mine. Bless Mum's.

May you fly with the angels and with those you've longed to be with again for a very long time. You are no longer in pain, you are free. Fly free my love, be at peace. Make your way home to love.

Thank you, thank you, thank you <3

Hanna Angell