Help Me Keep My Home
Donation protected
One day last May the world I knew ended. My mom suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. I found her unresponsive on the couch. I could recount the entire experience, from the initial intense panic at seeing her lifeless expression to the way the remaining hope completely drained from my heart when the emergency responders took her body away, but knowing all that wouldn't do anyone any good at this point. I relive the horror of that day over and over in my mind, when I'm awake, when I'm asleep, when I least expect it, when I think I've finally escaped it, it's always there. My only sense of relief is in the fact that it was I who found her, not one of my siblings.
Grief and trauma are not things that can easily be described; I've experienced many difficulties in my life but nothing compares to this experience. I often wonder how I'm getting through it at all. It didn't feel real for a very long time. Even now, over 4 months later, there are times when I think maybe it's just a nightmare and I'll wake up soon. It's true what people say though, it feels like some vital piece of me is gone, leaving a gaping wound that will never heal. The world seems a darker place, and life will never be the same or "normal" again. I still can't say I've healed at all since then, I've just learned how to cope and keep moving. I still feel overwhelming guilt, wondering if I could've saved her if I'd noticed her just a little bit sooner. Did she call out for help but I didn't hear it? Were there warning signs that I missed? I'll never know, but I do know I would not wish this experience upon my worst enemy. In addition to the grief I'm also dealing with many other stressors. Before my mom passed I had a clear plan and course for my life, but that all changed afterwards. See, my mom was the only person in my life that I could rely on for help when I needed it. I lived with her while I was in college and we split the bills so I could afford to focus more on school. I graduated last winter, took a couple months off, then started my search for a job in my desired field. The original plan was to keep this living arrangement until I could get my foot in the door of a writing or editing career. My mom knew I always wanted to be a novelist and she wanted to help me see my dreams come to fruition. I never told her, but I wanted her to see my name on the cover of a published book and be proud. That can't happen now and those plans were forced to change. Now I can only focus on survival; dreams have to be put on the back burner for now. I've had to take on the full burden of all the bills, quickly burning through what little savings I had. Unfortunately I have not been able to find a job so the situation has become pretty stressful. Of course I'm not being picky about the jobs I apply for because I know I don't have that luxury, but I'm still not having any luck. I'm selling my things for money and looking into pretty much any way to earn more while also putting in countless job applications. I'm doing everything I can but I'm running out of time. I want to make that point clear because I would never ask for help if I wasn't already doing everything in my power to help myself.
This is the last month I can afford; I will be out of money by October. People who know me know that I hate asking for help, I don't like being a bother, but it's come to a point where I can't avoid it. I've been navigating this impossible situation completely by myself and it's clear now that I can't overcome it alone. My siblings do what little they can to help, and I have no other family to ask for help. I'm confident I can find a way to support myself, I just need a little more time. So that's what I'm asking for. Enough to give me one more month. Please help me overcome this situation brought about by tragedy. Help me keep my home, eventually get back to pursuing my dreams, and ultimately honor my mom's memory.
Organizer
Zach Greene
Organizer
Bellwood, PA