Jae Brown's affiriming surgeries
Hello, thank you for stopping by. My name is Jae. I’ve gone by the name of Jae for roughly 4 years, some know me by other names that no longer even register for a response. I remember clear as day when I chose to refer to myself as Jae. I was working at a restaurant called Cafeteria in NYC, 2 years into my transition. The most beautiful trans woman I’d ever seen smiled my way and when I told her I couldn’t help but stare— she was so beautiful—she asked my name. I told her and she said, “well you sure don’t look like a [redacted]! Give it some thought.”, smiled at me and we went back on our merry ways. That woman was right, I was denying myself something that brought me limitless joy and freedom. When I was going by my former name it created many roadblocks for people who knew me and were confused on how to address me. I also realized I put roadblocks on my own transition out of fear!
Roughly a year and a half ago I started my medical transition under the supervision of the impeccable staff at Callen-Lorde Community Health Center. Half a year indoors with no events, no reason to put make up on, or dress the part, made me sit with myself and have an honest conversation, “you’re depressed, you’re dysphoric, and you’re unhappy.” Dysphoria is the feeling Trans identifying people feel, much like anxiety, that is triggered by not relating with what they see before them. I was being revered as Jae but waking up looking like my old self was a terrifyingly triggering. I knew the next step had to be to see a medical professional.
In my first meeting with my Doctor at Callen-Lorde, he asked me about surgery. I paused, unsure of what my future would look like. I said, “As a non-binary person I’m not sure what surgery would entail… so maybe it’s not for me.” He smiled and said, “Be patient with yourself. Once we start this journey on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) you might find some of those opinions shifting in time. Let’s check in in a year.” He was right. Once I grew the first bit of breast tissue I was beaming. Being on HRT was like having a heavy fog lifted from my mind and spirit. When an individual undergoes HRT the brain begins to relax. You can begin unlocking certain childhood memories that were once packed away by your mind to keep you safe from your own survival trauma. This past year has been exactly that. I’ve started to connect the dots of my gender with my childhood. I’ve found better and more accurate language to describe these anxieties I’ve wrestled since coming into my adolescence.
Transitioning is an expensive feat, one that is a privilege and not in the grasp of every person transitioning. I’ve accepted there are things about my body I cannot change under diet and exercise alone, things that are just too far gone for me to be simply make do with. These things still trigger my dysphoria no matter how much make up, waist cinching, skyrocketing fashion I wear on any given day. Often, I’ve found myself constricting my body to create the ideal shape that will put my dysphoria at ease, but this very tool limits my mobility and ability to make it out of a potentially violent scenario alive. These small adjustments can be lifesaving, not just for my own mental health but in terms of how my body and face read in a space.
I thank you ahead of time for donating, sharing, or for simply acknowledging my struggle. This journey is far from over but with your help I can make my dreams come true for a happier, fulfilled, and safer life. Any donations made to me will be used to pay hospital related bills, post-operative care, and survival funds during the recovery period where I will be out of work for three-six weeks. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
Sincerely,
Jae