Val's top surgery fund

Hi there,

My name is Val and I am raising money for top surgery. My surgery is in September and I’ve already paid a deposit of £5000 for it. I am now £5405 away from having it done and I would really appreciate your help.

First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I am aware this may be a hard time financially for a lot of us and one where we may consider donating to much bigger causes. I’ve debated with myself whether or not to start a fundraiser for quite some time, but now that the surgery is so close both in terms of time and money, I don’t have another option but to ask for help.

For those of you who don’t know me, I am a trans non-binary 26 year old. The journey that has brought me here, writing this page and calling myself trans, has been a long one. Top surgery is the next step in that journey and, although a very exciting one, it’s also extremely expensive.

There are many reasons why I’ve chosen the private route for my medical transition, but the main one is that I got here a bit later than I would have wanted to and I am just so tired.

My story

(TW: eating disorders, substance abuse, self-harm)

I was born in a small town in the North of Italy and moved to the UK when I was 19. When I first knew I wanted top surgery, I did consider going back to Italy. However, transitioning there is an extremely complicated and paperwork-heavy process that involves one - if not two - court hearings and requires trans people to follow a strictly binary FTM or MTF journey. It would have also meant I’d have to leave the UK - my friends, my job - and possibly lose my settled status. After having my name change application rejected twice by the Italian government, I then decided the easiest way for me to have my name legally recognised and access gender affirming care was to get British citizenship and put myself on the NHS waiting list.

The costs of getting citizenship in this country are extremely high. When I applied last year, I spent about £1300. In February 2024, I received the good news and got my naturalisation certificate. I am now in the process of changing my name via deed poll, which has its own costs.

Getting my name legally changed was so important to me, but it also meant that I spent a big chunk of my savings for it and really impacted my ability to save for surgery - something that I’ve wanted for a few years now and that is so hard to access through our national healthcare service.

I’ve been on the NHS waiting list for gender services for about a year now and they estimate I might have to wait another 4 years just for a first appointment. From there, it could take another year to get referred for top surgery. I simply don’t think I can wait this long.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled to imagine a future for myself, to close my eyes and see a future me, what I would look like, who I’d be friends with, what kind of job I’d be doing.. I simply couldn’t imagine who I would become or if I would become at all.

I grew up in a small town. I was socialised as a girl, although I was always a tomboy. I didn’t know any queer person and didn’t meet any until I was in high school. I thought I was weird, different, but I made peace with it. If boys told me I couldn’t play football with them, I’d ask why not. Gender wasn't in my mind until puberty hit and my body started changing.

I was 13 when I had my first period. I didn’t know much about puberty, never asked about it and mostly hung out with boys. As one of my first therapists said, maybe I didn’t want to become a woman or maybe I just thought puberty would never come for me. Yet, it did. And it hit me so heavily. My first period was hell. I was so anxious and felt so dirty I could barely leave the bathroom. I started self harming and refused to wear pads. That same week, I also decided to go on a diet. I knew if I starved myself for long enough, I could stop whatever it was that was happening to my body. Unfortunately for what came later, it worked and I didn’t get my period again until I was 21. I (kind of) paused my puberty for 8 years - although in a way that brought me to a much darker and dangerous place. It was 8 years of what doctors would later call Anorexia. 8 years of feeling numb, out of place, sometimes here, sometimes there, but never fully anywhere.

I didn’t know until much later that my eating disorder may have been part of something bigger, a feeling that whatever I did to my body, it would never change the way I wanted it to change. And for as long as I delayed my puberty, the world would still see me and perceive me as a woman. It took me a few years into recovery to come to terms with my gender identity. I believe that is mostly because while restricting, there was very little room in my mind for something that wasn’t food.

In 2018, something happened and I gained my weigh back. I went from 32kg to 60 in a couple of months and got my period back. More than that, my chest started growing for the very first time. My second puberty was just as bad and painful as the first one, with the only difference that I was then 21 and had access to alcohol. I abused of it for way too long, while binge eating and fasting, using laxatives and slimming pills, self-harming and being so depressed I could hardly do anything at times.

It was a hard couple of years and then lockdown happened. I started reading about gender dysphoria and I felt like I'd found the words I needed to explain something I'd numbed for so long. I came out to myself many times in the past, but during lockdown, I first realised so strongly that I had no choice but to listen to myself and accept my transness.

Coming out (again, lol) wasn't easy and isn't going to be easy for as many times as I'll need to do it, but it has given me the peace I needed to start envisioning a future for myself. It got me excited about life as I used to be when gender wasn’t in my mind.

I am now fully recovered from my eating disorder and found a healthier balance with alcohol. I found out so much about myself, stuff that my eating disorder had consumed and left empty. I feel better already, but there are still so many days I can’t look at myself in the mirror. Or I can look, but I can’t see myself. I can hardly go anywhere without wearing a binder - something that brings me joy, but is also so restrictive. I can’t exercise or sleep in it and it has worsened my eczema. And however contradictory this may sound, wearing a binder makes me even more self aware of my chest in ways that deepen my dysphoria.

This surgery won’t fix everything, but I am hoping it will make me feel more at home in my own body. I can’t wait to wear clothes that are actually my size. To sleep naked. To take long baths without having a panic attack, to jump without having to hold my chest so tight. To hug people without having to control my body so that my chest won’t touch them. To run again. To feel good in my own skin.

What happens now

In February 2024, I had my consultation with Miles Berry, a surgeon that specialises in this kind of surgery. The consultation was £250. I also had my gender dysphoria assessment, which was required to book the surgery. This was done by a private psychiatrist and was £500. For the past year an a half, I've also been seeing a therapist that has helped me getting ready for this surgery as well as coping with coming out, rejection, anxiety and depression.

My surgery is on the 9th of September 2024, which is also my 27th birthday. Using my own savings, I paid for 50% of it - £5405. I will have to clear the rest by the end of August. I can’t do this on my own now that my savings are back to 0.

I am hoping to raise £3,000 on here, which will entirely go towards the cost of the surgery.

If you made it this far and can’t donate, I’d really appreciate if you could share this with your friends.

Thank you so much for reading, it means the world to me.

All the love,

Val x

Detailed costs:

Surgery: £10,810

Gender dysphoria assessment: £500

Surgery consultation: £250

Citizenship: £1429