Kendra's Transgender Journey 365
Donation protected
“I’m Kendra.” When I found the courage to say these magic words I began to heal from a lifetime of uncertainty, confusion, depression and self-loathing. Being Kenny I never felt right. Even as a young boy growing up in New Jersey I knew that I didn’t fit in with the other boys. Something was wrong and when I began to understand what it was, I did my best to chase it away. As the son of a police officer, I felt pressured to excel in all things masculine, and striving to fit in became critical to my very survival. I was a victim of sexual assault at an early age and never fully recovered from the mental trauma, guilt, and pain, carrying it with me my entire life. At thirteen I attempted suicide, only to have my parents tell their friends it was just an accident.
In my never-ending efforts fill the role of being a man, I excelled in sports, the more dangerous the better, being injured, better yet winding up in the hospital a true badge of courage. Hockey was my game, goalie my position, and the irony of wearing a mask! I needed to fit in, have an identity, and I continued to seek my self-worth. College hockey truly kept me alive, hidden in plain sight, and gave me a feeling of importance and acceptance. After college, with no idea what to do with my life, I found a path to my lifelong career, flying. I served in the Navy for seven years as a fighter pilot, serving in the Gulf War, and then joined the Coast Guard for another six years. I loved flying, the respect, the admiration, and mostly the not being in the nine to five world. In the air, life was wonderful, I could be alone, judged only by my skills. I have flown jets of every kind, to almost every place, but I never found myself.
I have always battled, struggling to cope with who and what I was, and I went from a social drinker to full-on addiction, and it jeopardized everything. Flying is the only job I have ever known, how I paid the bills and how I identified myself. It was indeed my purpose, as my life was so totally empty. I ended up risking it all by allowing my addiction to flourish. DUI’s ended my career, and soon I decided to end my life. I had tried so hard to be a man, live up to the expectations of my father and others, but I just could not. My life was not working, and never has. One Christmas Eve, I made all my plans to end my suffering once and for all and for the second time attempted suicide. My cocktail of drugs and alcohol was too strong, and I was arrested prior to putting the gun to my head. I spent Christmas in jail. No psychological help was offered, I was just locked up. This was my seminal moment, my life was totally not working, I was about to lose my job, my career, my friends, everything. I knew my recovery journey had to now begin, and I reluctantly accepted it.
After completing treatment, I bought a sailboat and lived aboard in Ventura, CA. After a year or two I bought a bigger sailboat and, in an effort, to give back, opened an experiential sober living program on board. Things were better but the depression and self-loathing continued to haunt me. Still believing I could run away from myself I sailed to La Paz, Mexico and started a successful charter boat business. Things came to a head in January of 2021. I was 59 years old and at my lowest point. Once again, I was contemplating suicide. I called my therapist and through my tears finally said the words that would set me free – “I’m Kendra.” And that is where this story begins.
I started hormone therapy in March of 2021. As I began to explore the transgender community, I found it was shrouded in mystery, confusion, and very often misunderstood. Transphobia - the fear, hatred, disbelief, or mistrust of people who are transgender, thought to be transgender, or whose gender expression doesn’t conform to traditional gender roles - prevents transgender and gender nonconforming people from living full lives free from harm. Transgender persons make up .06 of the adult population of the United States. Tragically, 2021 has already seen at least 29 transgender persons killed by violent means and is on track to be the deadliest year of violence against transgender persons. A total of 44 fatalities were tracked by the Human Rights Campaign in 2020. It is believed many violent attacks against transgender people go unreported because of fear of police harassment. In a national study 40% of transgender adults reported having made a suicide attempt and 93% reported having attempted suicide by age 25. I was certainly one of those statistics.
As I continued to learn more, I came to realize my transition is so much larger than I am. I truly feel that making my journey "open to the public" will foster communication, discussion and help break stereotypes surrounding being transgender. A transition is so much more than a series of medical procedures. It is a journey, a beautiful, authentic, and informative voyage, with friends, family and the public all onboard. I recognized how lucky I was to have a cadre of supporters as I move through this process. So many transgender people, especially our youth, do not have the same level of support. They have no one to be their voice, to advocate for them, to stand up to those who would seek to harm them. My purpose began to become very clear; I would be that voice. I would speak for those who could not speak for themselves. I knew I would be an advocate for the transgender community but how to do that was the question.
Speaking with a friend the idea of a documentary began to evolve - a start to finish series documenting the entire male to female transition process. We envisioned an authentic and completely candid view of the emotional and physical changes that occur while undergoing gender reassignment. Adding even more interest, the journey would take place in the beautiful Sea of Cortez, on board the 72’ sailing yacht, Jersey Girl 2. During the filming the viewers would meet an array of interesting people, discuss environmental issues, and how we can do our part to protect the fragile biodiversity of the ocean. As the captain, viewers would see a transgender woman working, interacting with the charter guests and performing all the duties relating to keeping the yacht running safely. While on land, the viewers would meet the doctors, therapists, friends and supporters who are helping me with my transition. They would witness my appearance, which is still mostly male, begin to mirror who I have always known myself to be. Together, we would explore gender, and the issues being talked about in the media. By following the transition of a relatable “guy next door”, viewers would have the opportunity to look at transgender people through a new lens, leaving behind myopic preconceptions.
That is how this project was born and it is coming to fruition. It will always be open, honest, and totally authentic. In a world where transphopia exists, where suicide and violent deaths among transgender people are tragically common, this is a story that needs to be told. I am truly honored to undertake this journey, and I am certain that our production will help foster communication and discussion and be a positive voice for the transgender community.
Your donations will be used to produce the documentary/docuseries. It is our most sincere hope that the grass roots funding of this project will lead to finding financial sponsorship. If we can raise funds through commercial means, all crowd funded monies will be donated to various human rights campaigns.
I invite you to follow my journey. I do a daily blog on my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/kenknoll. You can also follow me on Twitter @KendraZee2021. Thank you for your support. Together we CAN change the world!
In my never-ending efforts fill the role of being a man, I excelled in sports, the more dangerous the better, being injured, better yet winding up in the hospital a true badge of courage. Hockey was my game, goalie my position, and the irony of wearing a mask! I needed to fit in, have an identity, and I continued to seek my self-worth. College hockey truly kept me alive, hidden in plain sight, and gave me a feeling of importance and acceptance. After college, with no idea what to do with my life, I found a path to my lifelong career, flying. I served in the Navy for seven years as a fighter pilot, serving in the Gulf War, and then joined the Coast Guard for another six years. I loved flying, the respect, the admiration, and mostly the not being in the nine to five world. In the air, life was wonderful, I could be alone, judged only by my skills. I have flown jets of every kind, to almost every place, but I never found myself.
I have always battled, struggling to cope with who and what I was, and I went from a social drinker to full-on addiction, and it jeopardized everything. Flying is the only job I have ever known, how I paid the bills and how I identified myself. It was indeed my purpose, as my life was so totally empty. I ended up risking it all by allowing my addiction to flourish. DUI’s ended my career, and soon I decided to end my life. I had tried so hard to be a man, live up to the expectations of my father and others, but I just could not. My life was not working, and never has. One Christmas Eve, I made all my plans to end my suffering once and for all and for the second time attempted suicide. My cocktail of drugs and alcohol was too strong, and I was arrested prior to putting the gun to my head. I spent Christmas in jail. No psychological help was offered, I was just locked up. This was my seminal moment, my life was totally not working, I was about to lose my job, my career, my friends, everything. I knew my recovery journey had to now begin, and I reluctantly accepted it.
After completing treatment, I bought a sailboat and lived aboard in Ventura, CA. After a year or two I bought a bigger sailboat and, in an effort, to give back, opened an experiential sober living program on board. Things were better but the depression and self-loathing continued to haunt me. Still believing I could run away from myself I sailed to La Paz, Mexico and started a successful charter boat business. Things came to a head in January of 2021. I was 59 years old and at my lowest point. Once again, I was contemplating suicide. I called my therapist and through my tears finally said the words that would set me free – “I’m Kendra.” And that is where this story begins.
I started hormone therapy in March of 2021. As I began to explore the transgender community, I found it was shrouded in mystery, confusion, and very often misunderstood. Transphobia - the fear, hatred, disbelief, or mistrust of people who are transgender, thought to be transgender, or whose gender expression doesn’t conform to traditional gender roles - prevents transgender and gender nonconforming people from living full lives free from harm. Transgender persons make up .06 of the adult population of the United States. Tragically, 2021 has already seen at least 29 transgender persons killed by violent means and is on track to be the deadliest year of violence against transgender persons. A total of 44 fatalities were tracked by the Human Rights Campaign in 2020. It is believed many violent attacks against transgender people go unreported because of fear of police harassment. In a national study 40% of transgender adults reported having made a suicide attempt and 93% reported having attempted suicide by age 25. I was certainly one of those statistics.
As I continued to learn more, I came to realize my transition is so much larger than I am. I truly feel that making my journey "open to the public" will foster communication, discussion and help break stereotypes surrounding being transgender. A transition is so much more than a series of medical procedures. It is a journey, a beautiful, authentic, and informative voyage, with friends, family and the public all onboard. I recognized how lucky I was to have a cadre of supporters as I move through this process. So many transgender people, especially our youth, do not have the same level of support. They have no one to be their voice, to advocate for them, to stand up to those who would seek to harm them. My purpose began to become very clear; I would be that voice. I would speak for those who could not speak for themselves. I knew I would be an advocate for the transgender community but how to do that was the question.
Speaking with a friend the idea of a documentary began to evolve - a start to finish series documenting the entire male to female transition process. We envisioned an authentic and completely candid view of the emotional and physical changes that occur while undergoing gender reassignment. Adding even more interest, the journey would take place in the beautiful Sea of Cortez, on board the 72’ sailing yacht, Jersey Girl 2. During the filming the viewers would meet an array of interesting people, discuss environmental issues, and how we can do our part to protect the fragile biodiversity of the ocean. As the captain, viewers would see a transgender woman working, interacting with the charter guests and performing all the duties relating to keeping the yacht running safely. While on land, the viewers would meet the doctors, therapists, friends and supporters who are helping me with my transition. They would witness my appearance, which is still mostly male, begin to mirror who I have always known myself to be. Together, we would explore gender, and the issues being talked about in the media. By following the transition of a relatable “guy next door”, viewers would have the opportunity to look at transgender people through a new lens, leaving behind myopic preconceptions.
That is how this project was born and it is coming to fruition. It will always be open, honest, and totally authentic. In a world where transphopia exists, where suicide and violent deaths among transgender people are tragically common, this is a story that needs to be told. I am truly honored to undertake this journey, and I am certain that our production will help foster communication and discussion and be a positive voice for the transgender community.
Your donations will be used to produce the documentary/docuseries. It is our most sincere hope that the grass roots funding of this project will lead to finding financial sponsorship. If we can raise funds through commercial means, all crowd funded monies will be donated to various human rights campaigns.
I invite you to follow my journey. I do a daily blog on my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/kenknoll. You can also follow me on Twitter @KendraZee2021. Thank you for your support. Together we CAN change the world!
Organizer
Kendra Knoll
Organizer
Mahwah, NJ