Kiara's Bottom Surgery

Before I begin, I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to read my story—I appreciate any care and attention it receives.

Over the last several years, I have been on a harrowing and rewarding journey of self-discovery. Before I allowed myself self-reflection, I struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life. For years I would go to the ER with panic attacks, unable to breathe nor recognize what was happening or where it was coming from: I just knew I felt something inside me was wrong. After years of therapy, I thought I had reached a point of calm, that I was finally ok. In reality, I had spent years learning to manage this intense pain while doing nothing to address its source. After spending the last half-a-decade peeling back the layers of my life, experiences, and identity, I have come to recognize that I lived the majority of my life inauthentically.

I am a woman, regardless of how I was born, how society views me, or what my body says. Getting to this realization has taken all of my resolve and energy, as unlearning decades of heteronormative conditioning made it so incredibly challenging to even fathom, let alone accept in myself. While surmounting my crippling self-doubt about my own experiences was excruciating, as I became more certain, the self-doubt was then replaced with intense dysphoria. I would be paralyzed between fears of my reality and the reality of the body I lived in. I came out to my workplace in 2020, began medically transitioning in November of 2021, and came out to friends and family on my birthday in 2022. I am finding it easier each day to love myself and who I am; however, my experience of heavy dysphoria makes it difficult to not hate the body I am in. As I have grown more assured of myself and my identity, dysphoria hits harder and has become incredibly difficult to manage.

I am living as, and for, myself now but I desperately need my outside to match how I feel inside, which is why my next step is arranging vaginoplasty bottom surgery, as my current genitalia has become one of the largest sources of dysphoria that I exist with. Having bottom surgery will improve how I see myself, how I connect intimately with partners, lessen the feelings of not belonging, allow me to feel safer in the world, and will reduce the resentment I have towards myself as a whole. I am ready to feel good about myself, to feel safe and comfortable in my body.

While friends and partners have been supportive, I was forced to go no-contact with my family as their hatred and fear towards trans people outweighs their love for me. This part of my journey has been by far the most excruciating. I have had a very close relationship with my family for 35 years prior to my coming out. I lived with my mom through college and once I moved, I still would travel to visit her, my sister, and my nieces as often as I could. My dad and I were incredibly close throughout my whole life, he was there for all of my games, coached me, and we would play guitar and sing together. It makes their reaction to my transition all the more painful. I was incredibly patient with my family when I first came out, I was willing to have uncomfortable conversations, answered invasive and transphobic questions, and handled their bigotry with love and grace. During that time, I was told that I was not nor would ever be a woman, I have been gaslit and told that I do not know what I am talking about, have been blamed for causing family strife and conflict, have been ignored and yelled at, have been accused of being malicious and hurtful for coming out, and uninvited from family gatherings because they believe I am unsafe to have around my nieces. My compassion has been met with accusations and rejection time and time again. They refuse to accept my name, my pronouns, my identity.

Alongside the emotional damage my family’s rejection has left, there is a significant financial burden that it has added as well. When initially strategizing for how to afford bottom surgery, I had planned to get the procedure done in Mt. Sinai as it was in the area of both my mother and sister so I would have lodgings, support, and transportation options. In fact, I had my consultation with the surgeon, mental health professionals, and the entire team scheduled for this month (July 2023). Unfortunately, as I no longer have that lifeline, I was forced to cancel that appointment and am now on the waiting list for a hospital in Philadelphia.

Most insurances consider gender-affirming procedures "cosmetic," because those in charge typically are cis-gendered and consequently do not comprehend the barriers and gatekeeping they create. My desire for vaginoplasty is not an aesthetic concern, it is a true need I feel inside to make me feel at home in my body. I realize I may be in for a fight to get this done, not just financially, but also with the terrifying anti-trans legislation popping up all over our country, particularly within the last year. I fear my window for accessibility for such treatment may become limited the longer it takes to have this procedure, so I am trying to move as fast as I can toward this goal.

Thank you again for reading, for all your consideration, and especially for any support/contributions.