mo safety & security plan!

hi there, im mo (it/its). ive lived with my abusers my whole life, as they're my family. i need to escape them. my plan is to go full no-contact eventually. you can help with this by donating here. anything and everything helps!

my current plan is to stay long term at a motel. as long as its not bug infested, semi-clean & cooler, ill be happy to have a roof over my head. my only other option at this point to get away from them is becoming houseless. i want to avoid that if possible

unfortunately, ill also need to get on my own phone plan as right now mine is connected to my mothers. as well as choosing what i can & cant bring with me. it'll be a long and terrifying journey before i can actually go no contact and be safe, but i want to try. i Need to try. these people are slowly killing me.

the money from this gfm will be used on:

the site ive linked here will tell you more about me as a person; my interests, my fears & more. please consider reading it too if you have any doubts about me being an actual person. feel free to dm me anywhere (tumblr preferred) if needed.

ill give updates when i can. thank you in advance, im very grateful.

⚠️ TRIGGER WARNINGS ⚠️:

csa, incest, religious trauma, emotional abuse, physical abuse, ableism, saneism, child neglect, child abuse, racism, animal abuse, animal death & fatphobia. ill update trigger warnings here if/when needed. (still under construction, some sections here will be unfinished.)

ive been abused essentially all my life, unfortunately. so i figured the best way to explain it is to .. do just that. apologies if things seem disjointed or out of order, im trying my best. its hard to type this all out.

my mother, my grandmother, step-father & two brothers all took turns abusing me in different ways.

my mother enabled the others and treated me like 'competition'. she also 'trained' me to be the family's maid since i was around 12. she would scream at me for hours if anything i made on her plate was even slightly cool. i was forced to plan the family's meals and clean up after them all. the excuse my mother liked to bring up whenever i broke down and objected to this? "you promised you wanted to do this, ever since you asked me to teach you how to cook & bake." i was a child, interested in learning about food and helping my mother sometimes. she saw that and took advantage. on top of all this, she loved to threaten to chop (and actually cut) my hair off because i struggled so much taking care of myself. it was humiliating, having all my agency taken away from me because i wasn't perfect. the hair thing go to the point that the last time she & her husband threatened to chop my hair off, i yelled at them and ran outside barefoot. in over 100F heat. then her & her husband switched up and i wasn't allowed to do anything to my hair in the opposite way. i was forced to grow it as long as possible and even slightly trimming it would get me yelled at and guilt tripped. my mother is misogynistic, ableist and racist- which i believe played big roles in the abuse she enacted upon me.

my grandmother blamed me for not being able to take care of myself as a small child. i got in trouble every day because of my hair. she would beat me in the head with my brush every time i dared have any knots. my brush wasn't plastic but a harder material. my scalp & head have never recovered from this. i now have a extremely hard time taking care of my hair, so many issues with dandruff, keeping it clean & brushed. my grandmother was also all sorts of bigoted. finally one day, when i was still really young, she left with no word and never came back.

my step-father/my mothers husband groomed and molested me since i was around 9-10 years old. if i wanted anything, even necessities, i was forced into sexual favors. i was scared to even go to sleep at night, as he'd sneak in and molest me in my sleep. this was the guy that took me out of public school to 'homeschool' me (and my other brother) after him & my mom learned i was being bullied. he didnt do this because he cared though, but rather isolate me so he could ramp up the abuse even more. he would scream at us for hours, threaten torture and death over the least offensive shit possible. we would get in trouble for eating or using anything. our schooling immediately fell behind and we were told it was all our fault for not teaching ourselves. this is why i have no GED or high school diploma. we already struggled a bunch in school but getting taken out was the final nail in the coffin. i will most likely never get a GED because of him doing this. he divorced my mother a couple years ago. he can visit the house anytime which always makes dissociate thinking about. hes very bigoted, especially in the lgbtphobic & racist ways.

my brother, A (older), i have a.. complicated relationship with. currently is is not vicious towards me but he used to treat me so terribly. he would threaten me will knives and laugh at me being scared. we would fight and throw punches but i was the only one that'd get in trouble for defending myself. he abused both our deceased dog and my cat. he got violent with me when i stuck up for the family dog and i wasn't even allowed to defend myself because my mother favors him. he would peep on me when i was changing and go through my room when i left it. he constantly goes too far with jokes and sexualizes me. i was forced to play along with those types of jokes to 'keep the peace' and now i have a bad habit to break. though recently, ive been feeling bad because he hasn't outwardly been horrible towards me like he used to for years. i know that can flip on a dime though, and i wont be safe forever.

my brother, N (oldest), is one of the main people right now actively abusing me. he doesn't live in the same house as us but he visits and stays over often. he is extremely bigoted, i would say more than anyone else listed. N is a zealot and firm in his horrid beliefs being the only 'right' ones. he shames me constantly for being fat, forces me on different diets & starves me. he is a bible thumper. hes thrown away food we bought because it was something he viewed as dirty. we have to hide food from him so he doesn't lecture us for hours or throw it away. he shoves his religious beliefs down our throats. he thinks my disabilities, mental health & neurodivergencies are all made up by myself to 'hold me back' and can be cured by god/praying.

a lot of the abuse I've spoken about here happened in the house I'm currently living in. all the abuse is why i have so many mental & physical issues now too. and while my brothers both also suffered from these people, they've hurt me a lot too and i still feel unsafe around them. these feelings also extend to my mom because she also suffered under her husband. i wont deviate much to talk about their stories, i shouldn't have to just because they've gotten hurt too. it still doesn't excuse what they did to me.