Help mom leave abuser and start over.

(name/identifying information has been changed for safety reasons)

Hi.

I am a mother to a young child who has decided to leave my abusive spouse. When I first put this Fundraiser together earlier this year, I wasn't very happy with how I worded it. So, I decided to change it to make it reflect who I am. I've had this lifelong habit of looking to others and their opinions before making decisions - which can be helpful - however for me - I usually ended up going with what others say instead of what My own inner voice told me to do. That is why I ended up marrying an abusive narcissist.

For over 20 years, I have been abused. I've been called countless names, threatened with divorce, threatened to stop paying his share of the bills, pressured into giving him attention, including sexual, told if I get too fat or change my hair he will leave me, insulted for my mothering skills, insulting the work I do for a living, mocked when I've been frightened, laughed at when I've shared my most intimate of thoughts and fears. This doesn't include the rages which can go on for hours. The times I have stood up for myself and asserted my boundaries always resulted in him amping up his tactics to over-power me. He has had this habit of what I call "dump and run" where he will enter the space I am in, dump a verbal barrage of abusive words and accusations, always with him as the victim of my wrong-doings, then leave. Conversations of the most important kind are never two-way with him.

Living with someone like this - a classic narcissist - has left me full of doubts not to mention trauma. I was diagnosed this year with Complex-PTSD. I realized it wasn't necessarily that I couldn't see his behavior, but I could not understand how someone could be so kind and loving one moment to changing on a dime and being so ugly, cruel and insidious the next. It's been a horrible mind-game.

He's pretty much used his fear tactics in every area of our relationship, reducing me to a frightened, traumatized, numb woman who has been in fight, flight or freeze. I've never felt safe with him. Walking on eggshells became a way of living. I stayed out of fear - out of not believing in myself, not trusting myself. In fact, as I'm retyping this, he began threatening me, tossing out his gangster-type speak of "FAFO" and other bizarre phrases, interrupting my personal space and defending his actions as he always does. He is never. accountable. in his mind.

But something happened in the past year. Call it a miracle. I began "seeing" with higher vision. I began hearing my inner voice again. I began trusting it. I began building on it. My desire to heal and BE ME is becoming stronger than the fear that had gripped me for so long. I knew: I AM DONE.

The area I live in does not recognize this abuse. Unless he is beating me or raping me, I have no protections nor recognition under the court system. I've talked to so many people, agencies and received legal advice. The best option for me is to move out (as long as it is not out of state - another "no no" here as we have a child together). I see a counselor who has not only validated my experience and my struggle with complex PTSD, and who is using protocols to help me heal, they also agree that for me to fully heal, I must leave.

All of this said, I am also a very strong, highly intelligent, resilient, sensitive, compassionate, creative woman who can usually think/do my way out of any challenge, including this one. I may have been mistreated for far too long, but my Light is still there. I am focused on my inner resolve and strength to get out of this relationship for good. I want to show my daughter what love is. I want to show her that no woman ever deserves to be treated this way. I want to be the best ME I can be – for her. And for myself.

As I said above, I work but it isn't enough to support myself and my child given the cost of housing. I'm on wait lists but those are 3 plus years out. I'm working on increasing my income, but mentally and emotionally I can no longer wait. I need to take my child and get out and away from him.

The money raised will be used to putting towards rent on a new home/apartment to rent as well as a car. And please don't let the amount intimidate you into thinking you only have a few dollars to spare. Thousands of people donating just a few dollars adds up. Every bit helps! You can also help me by sharing my fundraiser with your friends and family.

And if you are local and have a guest house or mother-in-law type unit you are willing to let us live in for a rent I can afford, PLEASE let me know.

Thank you!

Here is what some of my friends wanted to say:

"(name redacted) is my friend. I have seen firsthand his behavior. I have found him to be impolite, he interrupts conversations loudly and boldly. He has no respect for boundaries, lacks accountability and responsibility for his behavior and plays the victim card." (KR)

"I have known (name redacted) for several years. What I know for sure is that she is courageous in every way: in speaking her truth to withstanding the unthinkable abuse she has been subject to, to being a mama bear when it comes to protecting and supporting her young daughter. She is stronger than she knows, rising again and again, like the phoenix from the fire. In my opinion, she deserves immense support to aid her in leaving an untenable, destructive marriage and in establishing a safe, loving home for herself and for her daughter.” (DG)

In the 7 years I’ve known (name redacted), I have found her to be a caring friend, a loving mother and a tenacious spiritual warrior. I have heard her husband abruptly yelling (through the phone) over what should have been trivial matters. His tone is loud and jarring. (name redacted) has requested prayers and funds for me when I was in need, as I know she has for others. If you can pay it forward, I know it would be a huge blessing for her and her daughter.” (LH)

(Name redacted) has shared with me the treatment from her husband that she has endured for many years, and no one should have had to put up with being treated like that and having to walk on eggshells because of not knowing what will set him off. I have found (name redacted) to be genuine and honest and I'm honored to have her as a friend and to be communicating with her. Please help support (name redacted) and her daughter so they can be able to leave and live a normal life free of stress and ridicule and the abuse.

(PL)