Please help the Neher family

Hi, my name is missy and I’m for the first time in my life I’m being open about my mental health….. 

 I’ve had anxiety, panic disorder, social anxiety, depression, adhd, ocd and agoraphobia for as long as I can remember but I didn’t know that at 14. I didn’t know there was a name for being terrified of going places alone or that I had to always go to the same store. No new ones. I used to always be told to “be nice” when meeting new people because my anxiousness of new people made me tense and edgy. Depression made me feel worthless and I didn’t know that wasn’t normal. I struggled and kept everything to myself bc my mom was a single mom and I didn’t want to add to her stress. So I learned to manage enough to get by.

 After having my son my anxiety became debilitating. Leaving the house was impossible. I realized it was time to try medication. I finally saw a dr and was semi steady on medication but starting early on I realized it wasn’t working. But the moment I said I fear going alone to places, or my body tenses up if I’m out in public, my dr would say I needed to see a psych and I didn’t know or even how to begin with that. So I kept pretending my meds worked. I kept myself busy thinking if I didn’t give in to the panic that I could ignore it forever. 

I work for a busy pediatric office and I love my job, drs, patients and coworkers.  Ignoring my mental health made it hit hard, this year I began having daily panic attacks, I couldn’t even greet a patient at work, I was crying, my hands would tingle and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The job I loved became a place I didn’t want to go, because I would have to be social and greet patients and I wasn't able to stop the anxiety. My overwhelming fears of everything took over and I couldn’t deal with the panic I felt so my body and mind shut down in the most exhausting and painful way. 

 I’ve always struggled with agoraphobia and it’s a huge effort to do anything or go anywhere at all. I still cannot go into a store alone without panicking. But then It became I couldn’t leave my house without crying, sweating, couldn’t breathe and feeling like I was having a heart attack. I was taken off work in April. And since then have been trying different meds but not all have the best reactions. And they don’t take away the never ending dread and panic I feel or the depression. In addition to that, my social anxiety- my fear of being around too many people and adhd, leave me In a state of depressed/anxiety ridden restlessness that causes panic attacks, especially if I cannot be busy. It’s a chaos of feelings. 

 I finally saw a psych and was finally feeling hopeful for relief. But after two sessions he became snappy with me, telling me how I felt instead of asking. And what he was telling me wasn’t what I was feeling. I fear changing out of the fact that I will have to find a new psych and start new meds all over. It reminds me why I didn’t do this sooner. But I can’t afford to stop now, I’m a mom, wife, sister, daughter, employee, friend, and need to take care of myself.

 This has taken a huge toll on us, my husband is an ABA therapist and works with kids that have developmental disorders. He was missing work to help me with our son because I couldn’t manage my 4 year old. The age of talking back and challenging us as parents is not easy to deal with. I still have to be mom, and doing that while having panic attacks and feeling overwhelmed, restless and agitated is the worst feeling ever. Somehow I’ve been able to shield him from this ugly side of me.  But my son is the one that’s helped me keep going even after med after med didn’t work. He’s the light of my life and would tell me “clear skies, clear skies”. There’s no hiding from a child’s perception. 

 We’ve gotten behind on a lot and psychiatrist visits, therapist visits, medications, tests, insurance, time off work all are very costly. A lot of medications aren’t covered and don’t even end up working for me. I feel like I have failed my husband and son and just need help While I get back to a semi normal existence. I want to enjoy life and finish my BA in business, and not feel like a zombie because of the three different medications I’m trying. If you can help, share or anything at all it would be appreciated more than I can even express. Posting my mental health struggles and asking for help is so hard for me.  No one, not even my mom or sister knew the extent of what I go through and I know reading this is hard for them.  It’s a struggle none of us signed up for, my son more than anyone. Trying to be there In the moment and make sure he isn’t limited because of me.  Thank you for even reading this, it’s such an empowering feeling letting all this out.  Thank you  #anxiety #anxiousmom #mentalhealth #adhd #medical