Operation Dr. Fenstermacher

Hello,

I was terminated from my PhD program in the midst of trying to file a formal Title IX complaint, and “unterminated” after I filed a federal complaint, citing a clerical error. Somehow being unterminated involves limiting my funding to less that it would reasonably take to finish. I can’t seem to get a straight answer about why, so it’s hard not to interpret this as more retaliation. If anyone can help in any way, I would really appreciate it. It is a very long story I hope to share at some point, but right now I have to focus on mold DNA, and try to ignore what feels like constant gaslighting.

I do not come from a wealthy or well-educated family, but they instilled the kind of values that helped me become a first-generation college student at Harvard. As cheesy at it sounds, I’ve always just wanted to make the world a better place, and going full nerd seemed like the best way to do that. I never cared about what other people thought or prestige, and having already exceeded expectations, I followed my interests to studying fungal genetics in an agricultural setting. I spent a few years working in other labs and making sure this is what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Using science to help the kind of people I grew up around, while helping to secure food supplies, really felt like my niche. I was happy to do the kind of research nobody would really appreciate until some dude took credit for it long after I was dead. I was doing well in my program, and earned a two-year graduate fellowship from the USDA, to support the proposal I can’t seem to get approved in a department where I was aggressively slandered by a student who joined my lab when I started my fellowship.

Being treated like a hysteric, when I legitimately needed help, was traumatic. The amount of emotional labor that has been pawned off on me is absurd, and as much as I’d like to be able to embrace the idea of future generations facing widespread food shortages after how I have been treated – I can’t. I thought I was signing up to keep a ship on course, only to find out it is taking on a concerning amount of water. Now, instead of just working to make our agricultural systems more sustainable, I feel morally obligated to bring attention to the toxic behavior that has derailed my career.

I used to be baffled when I heard about a professor being fired, and found out they had been making dozens of people miserable for decades. The behavior that was ignored, and the way I was treated when I tried to call attention to it, makes it pretty clear how this happens. Even under the watch of people who pretend to care about toxic environments on social media. I’m honestly not sure how I managed to not kill myself, and I’m lucky I have the support network I do. It took me a while to share my story with some of my closest friends, even though I’m still not even sure what I’m supposed to be ashamed of. I have repeatedly asked for evidence of anything I did that fit the accusations that seemed to be used to write this off as an interpersonal issue. I’ve made my share of mistakes, but I try to learn from them.

I drove over 12K miles collecting soil and leaf samples from tomato plants, and have partially characterized over 2,500 mold strains I isolated, for the thesis I would love to be able to finish. I’m basically a female Egon, except my mold collection is bigger. My former advisor dismissed at least two things that have since been published by labs that actually focus on the system I am studying. It still seems like I am the only one who paid any price for his failure to manage, and/or honestly consider my perspective. Sharing my story has helped me realize how common this is. There are too many people who have dealt with this. Period. There are many reasons we do not hear from them. They often deal with the same feelings of undirected shame, breaking this stuff down and reliving it can be pretty painful, those that managed to get through are probably not going to risk their hard-fought careers, some may need letters of recommendation from former abusers, and that's just the people I know. 

While this is fairly common, it seems especially likely to happen to people who are the least equipped to deal with it. I completely understand why most people who experience something like this usually try to pretend like it didn’t happen. I can’t imagine how much harder this would have been if I weren’t a straight, white, female, with a family and friends that genuinely care about me. Having people support me based on who I have repeatedly shown myself to be, even though they don't fully understand what I’m trying to do, has helped me get though this. Shining a light on how toxic these dynamics are, seems like a bigger contribution to science than one person could hope to make in a lifetime. Especially considering how much of my time it has already wasted, and how many people I know were derailed by this kind of toxic behavior. If I’m going to be thrown under the bus based on the lies of a male coworker who blamed me for his inability to troubleshoot PCR in his 3rd year, and that’s totally OK, I’m not really worried about being blacklisted.

There is so much more to this story, but I’m not trying to bring on more retaliation at this point. Every time I think I finally figured out how to blame myself, I’ll look for evidence, and every time I just find more evidence of duplicity and weird triangulation. I would love to be able to write this off as confirmation bias, but I can’t seem to get straight answers about things that greatly impact my life. I assume people are afraid I will sue, like this was ever about money. I am completely disgusted by the lack of accountability I have encountered, and would honestly prefer public humiliation to not knowing. I’m pretty sure I had my University’s best interests in mind when I tried to address this behavior after 2.5 years of giving the benefit of the doubt. I know it will be hard for people who know my former advisor and department head to believe me, but I hope people can start to seriously consider the possibility this can happen anywhere.

I have until the end of January to file a Federal version of the Title IX complaint I wanted to file when I was terminated, plus a lot more. I have found out that anxiety is very real. Especially when combined with depression, which is a fairly recent development, so any kind of help/encouragement/advice is appreciated. The one thing I’ve learned for sure is that I am terrible at promoting myself and asking for help, but beyond that – I’ve learned nothing to help myself avoid this situation in the future. I was repeatedly recommended to do things I was already doing that consistently got me gaslighted and scapegoated.

I do not expect this to be funded, and I expect to leave with substantial debt, but I do want to bring attention to this issue. $15K would only cover next semester’s tuition and health insurance. I understand most people are struggling as much as I am. Even shares and encouragement will help me find the wherewithal to fight this fight after the toll it’s taken on my faith in humanity. I know there are so many worthwhile causes and issues right now, I just can’t ignore how toxic this lack of accountability is, and I’m happy to use whatever privileges I have to call it out. It seems like the same brand of manipulation that is poisoning many aspects of human existence, and we have to start weeding it out somewhere. “Academics” seem like a reasonable place.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. If you could try to give me enough benefit of the doubt to not gaslight me more about my own experiences, I would really appreciate it. I know it sounds like I’m probably the unstable one. I’m attaching a screenshot of a conversation with another student who figured out he was being manipulated, and messaged me to apologize for treating me like garbage based on lies.

Thank you,
Kristi Fenstermacher

P.S. If you aren’t already tired of reading about this, and want to be more aware of these dynamics, these articles really hit home:
https://www.chronicle.com/article/AbusersEnablers-in/241648
https://hbr.org/2013/08/why-do-so-many-incompetent-men

P.P.S. If this hits home, because you have experienced/are experiencing something similar, and could use someone to talk to, feel free to reach out. Feeling alone is the worst part.