Postpartum support for baby and mama



“It is being honest about my pain that makes me invincible.”

― Nayyirah Waheed

We make plans based on the information we have at the time and that is true for anything in life. Then as we gain more information and insight we adjust our plans accordingly. My labor was no different. I envisioned having a natural home birth and made that plan when I was 16 weeks pregnant sitting comfortably at home on the bed writing my birth plan, strong in my convictions.

But once I was in labor I realized everything I had planned can easily go out the window. Maybe I didn't think my labor would take days or maybe I couldn’t wrap my head around just how sleep deprived beyond exhaustion I would be. Or maybe I just didn't know how the contractions or the other health concerns that came along with birth would feel for me and I didn’t want to do it anymore. Yet still I pushed through and made it to the other side, all of this is ok.

It is extremely hard to make a rigid plan for a situation I have never been in before and a sensation I had nothing to compare it to. It was early in the morning when I felt a pressure mount that was as strong as it could get before it became painful, like holding in the world's sharpest pain and before I knew it I was embarking on my journey to early/active labor! Even though the other pains I was experiencing outside of my contractions -- I was able to stay in sync with each surge and was completely attuned to my body, breathing through them as they crested.

My plan B doctor disappeared on a convention trip that she never mentioned to me and my second doula also decided to back out in the middle of me being in early labor so I had to be open to plan C which was the last and most expensive resort. Doctors barely listen to most of us and it's as if they listen even less when every day their schedule is maxed out with the same repetitive cycle of people. This is why I desperately wanted to keep my home birth at home with my doulas and midwife and stick to my "natural birth plan". No matter what marginalized background one may come from, if you are able-bodied you have never felt the full weight of what medical or work discrimination feels like. I ended up arriving at the hospital after laboring at home for over 24 hours due to unforeseeable circumstances. I worried painfully that I wouldn't be able to bond with my baby but after my final push, a perfect baby boy arrived safely and was placed on my chest, slippery, wet and beautiful with wide eyes that sought mine as soon as I said his name. There it was, the moment I had been waiting for all along, immediate, fierce and so powerful it left me feeling raw as he latched on to me. No drug was able to dim that moment. My entire experience was amazing, even magical, and I'd choose the same if I had to do it all over again even if my vision of a home birth detoured into a very fast hospital birth and before I knew it we were back home.

Now:

Although life has blessed me with this beautiful earth angel, reality has also settled in and I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I now have a multitude of bills to pay off with no current income or financial support. As a freelancer that has no medical insurance, I was left with a very little cushion after being fired from my ad agency while being just weeks away from giving birth.

My agency decided to lay me off knowing I would soon be giving birth and after dragging my temp to perm Art Director contract for 7 months with false promises of being full-time. When I requested unemployment after being unable to find a job they denied my first attempt, stating that I was a freelancer working through a 1099 which I’ve found out that I am still eligible to receive UEI benefits. The most ironic and outlandish part about this agency not making it easy for me to receive unemployment is that when I was first hired the CEO was on maternity leave. You would think as a woman she would have compassion and empathy for my situation as a single mother but on the contrary, all I have received from her is complete silence. Turning a blind eye when she could offer the decency and dignity of at least a reply to one of my many emails.

I still have high hopes that I will receive the compensation I deserve after working a multitude of hours overtime and being wrongfully laid off but the reality is I need more than hope at this time.

Now the plot thickens even more as I am also on the brink of eviction from my apartment because my lease is up and the place I have been able to call home for the past 4 years because the owners have decided they want their space back. We have until August 29th to find a new home and I have been religiously applying to AD jobs, updating my art portfolio, calling unemployment every morning, praying for some type of relief as well as trying my best to maintain a healthy living environment as I navigate my postpartum healing journey. I am hoping that I can land an Art Director position before August 29th so that I can have funds to put a down payment of the first month + last month + deposit for this new home that I have yet to find.

Throughout all of my anxieties of not knowing why my unemployment still won't get approved, depression and worries about being able to keep a roof over our heads, self-doubt because not knowing when I will fully heal and land a job as an Art Director, grief, emptiness, sorrow and so on - the Mamas, the Babies, the Chosen Fam, the Land and my Community have saved me. The strength it takes to provide and give life is not one to mess with. It's sacred and it has carried humans for centuries. When the Women and Babies are safe and well, so is the Land and everything that comes with it. This I can say is a true lived experience and I believe this wholeheartedly. The same goes for the reverse - when the Land is healthy, clean, and pure - we are all better as a collective.

I am reaching out to friends, allies, chosen family, blood family, artist community, activists, mothers, sisters, fathers, brothers, soul tribe and all walks of life to possibly extend a helping hand during our rocky transitional period. I will be using the funds to pay my medical expenses, a down payment and deposits for my next move, travel expenses for a follow-up on my surgery as well as cover the cost to have my son seen by a pediatrician.

The support that I have already received from my activist and artist community in New York since I have been fired from my Art Director position has uplifted me with the strength to ask for this continued support. Thank you to the community, family, chosen family, and friends that have supported me before, during and after my birth. I also extend my gratitude to my best friend and doula that guided me throughout my entire birth and stayed with me a whole 2 weeks before going into labor. Witnessing her power was magical and I am thankful that I had her guiding my birth. Supporting such a miraculous act of love, courage, and bravery I get to call my journey to motherhood. Thank you again for taking the time to read this and holding space for me, no amount is too small even if it means simply sharing my story. Thank you for supporting me as a mother.