STAR Foundation Retreat

My name is Cailee. I'm 25 years years old. i have severe anxiety, depression, bipolor and add. towards the end of school i finally began watching who i was fade away, i completely lost myself after high school. originally i talked myself into believing that change at this time in life was normal. and it is. but not with me. it was not normal. i am at the point where i have completely lost the girl who i used to be. i loved myself. i was confident, i was funny, and fun to be around, i had a ton of friends, and most of all, i didnt give one shit about what people thought of me. everything has changed. i'm not confident in anything that i do, i'm not funny, i have pushed all my friends away. i have no one left but me. the worst part i've realized is that i hate myself. i have no self love. i feel so empty and lonely and hollow. even when i'm with people. i cry myself to sleep for hours every night. i pray to god to take me because i don't feel strong enouh to suffer anymore. my lack of self love is past counseling which i got to every week. ive been inpatient, ive done partial hospitalization programs, ive done intensive outpatient programs. im on quite the regimen of meds right now. if tried every med under the sun, many with awful side affects or my body rejecting them, that has sent me into the hospital, made me experience hallucinations and paranoia and severe dissociation. i've also tried ECT, electro convulsive therapy, other known as "shock therapy". it helps 9/10 people. i drew the short straw and it did nothing for me except damage my memory. i want to love myself, i need to. i found a 10 day program in arizona (i live in chicago) specificaly for learning to love yourself. its out in nature, no cell phones or anything. reading about it and talking to them gave me hope. the problem is that i dont have the money for it at all. i will need $5,000 in order to attend this retreat. insurance doesnt cover and i'm just a nurse assistint who pays monthly bills and will be saving up. but i cant do this alone. this was my only go to. i'm not one to beg. but i believe that i deserve this chance. it fels like this is the only chance i have left. i was diagnosed when i was 10. i've been on meds since i was 10. the only feelings i remember are those of depression and anxiety. i don't want to look back in 10 years and feel the same way. i will be forever grateful for any help you can give. as i said, i don't usually beg, and i'm not now. if you can't give then so be it. but if you can i would so unbelieveably appreciate your help. i havent learned to love myself on my own. i need you all to help me love me. and i, in return will love you for reading and helping.
love, peace, and good vibes,
cailee