Rebecca Jane Foundation

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Reflections from our founder of The Rebecca Jane Foundation -

Today is just a normal day for many, yet for me personally June 3rd is a day that takes me back 45 years ago – to the day Rebecca Jane died. I had no idea my life would change so dramatically, in fact it would never be the same again.

The loss of a child, even after 45 years, leaves an indelible mark on the hearts of those who loved them. Sadly though, there are less alive who did get the chance to know and love Becky. Apart from her father of course, my mum, sister and best friend were the closest to her and of those three, only my best friend is still alive.

Despite the years that have passed, significant dates like anniversaries still sometimes catch me unaware. This day, 45 years ago, feels both distant and like it was yesterday — a day etched in my memory, carrying the weight of what could have been. I admit, there are times when I feel cheated when I see mothers and their close relationships with their daughters. I do have a son but you know that old adage about a daughter being your daughter for the rest of your life!

Grieving isn't linear. It's not something that you simply "get over" with time. Instead, it's a process of learning to navigate life with the absence of someone who was deeply cherished. While the intensity of grief may soften over time, the love and longing for them remains unchanged.

RJF was launched on what would have been Becky’s 40th birthday, so my own personal focus has changed about that date, because we are able to celebrate the amount of families we have helped (currently at over 200). Now, June 3rd, the day Becky left this world is the day when I feel her loss more keenly because it is just about her.

This morning as I lay in bed, actually not wanting to get up because it was cold lol, I remembered it all as if it was only yesterday. I remember the doctor coming in to tell us she was going to die and asking if we wanted to see her before she did, not knowing at that time they had already taken her off life support.

Becky died from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and normally we would have gone in and found her in her cot, but she had been unwell so we had her with us and were immediately able to intervene with CPR. Sadly it only delayed the inevitable, but we were able to live with knowing we had done everything in our power to save her.

When I did grief support for the then Sudden Infant Death Research Foundation (now Red Nose) the one thing I was able to do was to share my story so that parents who ‘wished they had of heard something’ before going in to find their child lifeless, were able to hear that we did and it didn’t make any difference.

Anniversaries serve as poignant reminders of a life that was cut short, it prompts us to reflect on the memories we have and the dreams that were never realised. It's a day to honour the significance of our baby’s brief existence, to acknowledge the impact they had on our lives, no matter how fleeting. From the moment of conception they are our child, regardless of how long we were blessed with their presence.

I have found over the years that it's essential to find comfort in the memories we cherish, to celebrate the precious moments we shared with our babies, no matter how brief. It's also important to allow ourselves the space to mourn — to feel the broad range of emotions (because everyone experiences grief differently) and that there is no right or wrong.

While the pain of Becky dying 45 years ago may never fully dissipate, there's comfort in knowing that her memory lives on, especially now with RJF.

So today as I honour her life in sharing this story with you, I know one thing will never change, my love for her transcends time and space.